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Post by solodriver on Oct 24, 2016 0:23:33 GMT -5
If that floats your boat. I have many solo interests, but I would gladly set them aside for the opportunity to share a passionate life. If your desire for passion disappeared overnight (not that it will!), can you see you and your wife sharing a life and doing stuff together that is interesting to both of you? Or do you think you would still be on parallel tracks? We'd still be on separate tracks. She has become so self-absorbed that she would have no desire to do anything with me. It's really sad. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 24, 2016 0:34:33 GMT -5
My hub is 63 and I'm 56. The kids are grown. I haven't worked a conventional job since our daughter was born 26 years ago. I did run a custom framing business from home for 20 years. Now, I do all the landscaping and home maintenance. I pay myself and believe me, I am waaaaay less expensive than a regular handyman. I'm just saying that not all housewives are freeloaders. And I don't mean to come off as bashing stay-at-home spouses, if it came across that way. Rather, I observe that she's now enjoying many retirement-like lifestyle benefits (which, truthfully, I'm a bit envious of) - and that my retirement will actually reduce her lifestyle, not add to it. Normally, the desire to adventure as a couple might override, but lacking that motivation I realized that our interests may not be aligned. It's an interesting factor to consider in the big picture. You didn't, DC. But I guess I do have a little guilt over pursuing my many interests even though they are low or no cost. The only difference I see happening when hub retires is him being around more. He will be paying more attention to what in doing, but not in a "let's do this together" kind of way. Ooooh! maybe he won't have the stress of the business and want to start having sex! Yah, right. |
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Post by unmatched on Oct 24, 2016 1:09:47 GMT -5
If your desire for passion disappeared overnight (not that it will!), can you see you and your wife sharing a life and doing stuff together that is interesting to both of you? Or do you think you would still be on parallel tracks? I think it would be quite easy for us to maintain the status quo, with separate solo interests. Occasionally, a trip together, but more like Lewis & Clark than like Bonnie & Clyde. "See something new", not "Grab life by the balls". I think for a lot of people that is their dream retirement - to grow old in comfortable companionship. Familiar and easy, but not too tight. There for each other, close enough to protect each other from the scary big wide world, but not so much as to bring threatening emotional dynamics or anything that might require any growth or stretching of boundaries. I bet two thirds of the population, if honest, would give that at least a 7 out of 10. |
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Post by solodriver on Oct 24, 2016 1:35:01 GMT -5
And I don't mean to come off as bashing stay-at-home spouses, if it came across that way. Rather, I observe that she's now enjoying many retirement-like lifestyle benefits (which, truthfully, I'm a bit envious of) - and that my retirement will actually reduce her lifestyle, not add to it. Normally, the desire to adventure as a couple might override, but lacking that motivation I realized that our interests may not be aligned. It's an interesting factor to consider in the big picture. You didn't, DC. But I guess I do have a little guilt over pursuing my many interests even though they are low or no cost. The only difference I see happening when hub retires is him being around more. He will be paying more attention to what in doing, but not in a "let's do this together" kind of way. Ooooh! maybe he won't have the stress of the business and want to start having sex! Yah, right. I commented to my wife that since she's semi-retired and she no longer had the stress of getting enough sleep so she wouldn't be tired in the morning for work, what about trying to restart our intimate relationship.
She just chuckled. I let her hurt me again. I'm such a dumbass!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2016 1:57:58 GMT -5
You didn't, DC. But I guess I do have a little guilt over pursuing my many interests even though they are low or no cost. The only difference I see happening when hub retires is him being around more. He will be paying more attention to what in doing, but not in a "let's do this together" kind of way. Ooooh! maybe he won't have the stress of the business and want to start having sex! Yah, right. I commented to my wife that since she's semi-retired and she no longer had the stress of getting enough sleep so she wouldn't be tired in the morning for work, what about trying to restart our intimate relationship.
She just chuckled. I let her hurt me again. I'm such a dumbass!
Just chuckled. Didn't rage, explode, scream, get angry, or slice you down with vicious words. Just an apathetic chuckle. The opposite of love is apathy. Your needs aren't even worth the trouble of getting mad over. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 24, 2016 5:46:12 GMT -5
I commented to my wife that since she's semi-retired and she no longer had the stress of getting enough sleep so she wouldn't be tired in the morning for work, what about trying to restart our intimate relationship.
She just chuckled. I let her hurt me again. I'm such a dumbass!
Just chuckled. Didn't rage, explode, scream, get angry, or slice you down with vicious words. Just an apathetic chuckle. The opposite of love is apathy. Your needs aren't even worth the trouble of getting mad over. Same here! Only she doesn't chuckle. Instead she calmly denies, deflects,diverts, and avoids the subject. I recall several people on EP warning me of my wife's "college plan". Once the last child is off to college she is going to dump you, you are no longer needed. Less money to have to pay,no child support, and plenty stashed away. Fortunately this train was warned of the train robber up ahead. This train is unloading it's passengers safely,turning around, and heading south. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 24, 2016 6:41:42 GMT -5
My BIL & his wife did this - years back. They traveled the globe for 2 yrs then settled in Mexico, then Vietnam, then China. He teaches ESL & she writes her travel blog. They're now in Ecuador & plan to stay. The pics are amazing. They invite visitors- so I hope to see their playa someday. It's incredible what a well paired couple can do when they decide to. They are very happy in their ex-pat life. It's amazing how cheaply you can travel the world when you're not rushed to visit like a tourist. An apartment in Italy can be had for a month for less than the cost of 2 nights in a full-service hotel. Teaching ESL (English as a Second Language) is a skill most of us take for granted, and is in good demand in many geographies. At local wages, but with local expenses - it can make retirement that much easier and be a great way to integrate into the local culture. I'm curious... how old were they, did they have kids, and what did they do for a living that enabled them to retire abroad? My SIL is Canadian so they both have dual citizenship in Canada & US. They were young 50's (52, 53?). They lived in LA & bought before the rise of housing bubble. They never had kids (but help support a niece on her side). They sold the LA house at height of housing bubble & that was then invested. They live well below their means because they decided that life experience, & the quality of it, was more important than what they own. I agree! They both had pensions too from 10 & 20 yr jobs various places (UCLA being a short vestment period helped w/timing). They aren't well off, really. Her travel blog is Boomers around the globe or something- the emphasis being how to travel "like a local" & not do tourist trap trips. They find charities in the target locations & volunteer(sometimes they even have to pay for the privilege like at a baby baboon sanctuary in So Africa). The memories they've made are incredible. This whole thing is only "sacrifice" if your measure is material goods. They approach life in a way I would like to: knowing that interaction & relationship is really far more valuable, & irreplaceable, than "stuff" can ever be. Like Louie Prima lyrics: Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think. And: you always count the dollar bills, tied neatly in a stack - but when you kiss a dollar bill, it doesn't kiss you back. I may never get 1/1000 of their level of adventure but at least I am more pointed towards it now than ever before. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2016 9:19:19 GMT -5
Just chuckled. Didn't rage, explode, scream, get angry, or slice you down with vicious words. Just an apathetic chuckle. The opposite of love is apathy. Your needs aren't even worth the trouble of getting mad over. Same here! Only she doesn't chuckle. Instead she calmly denies, deflects,diverts, and avoids the subject. I recall several people on EP warning me of my wife's "college plan". Once the last child is off to college she is going to dump you, you are no longer needed. Less money to have to pay,no child support, and plenty stashed away. Fortunately this train was warned of the train robber up ahead. This train is unloading it's passengers safely,turning around, and heading south. I remember you recounting how at one point shortly after you announced your divorce, she got on a laptop and started moving money around, while you were standing right there! It was like you weren't even there, like your presence is completely inconsequential. That's one flatlined relationship. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 24, 2016 10:25:53 GMT -5
Same here! Only she doesn't chuckle. Instead she calmly denies, deflects,diverts, and avoids the subject. I recall several people on EP warning me of my wife's "college plan". Once the last child is off to college she is going to dump you, you are no longer needed. Less money to have to pay,no child support, and plenty stashed away. Fortunately this train was warned of the train robber up ahead. This train is unloading it's passengers safely,turning around, and heading south. I remember you recounting how at one point shortly after you announced your divorce, she got on a laptop and started moving money around, while you were standing right there! It was like you weren't even there, like your presence is completely inconsequential. That's one flatlined relationship. Yup. A warning of up-coming consequences of remaining in a SM. Money = Control. |
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Post by Dan on Oct 25, 2016 11:52:01 GMT -5
If the kids are grown then perhaps it is time for her to get a full-time job and contribute financially too. : why not tell her you plan to retire NOW and would like her to go back to work so you can enjoy hanging out with your friends and spending her earnings? |
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 25, 2016 13:58:56 GMT -5
If the kids are grown then perhaps it is time for her to get a full-time job and contribute financially too. : why not tell her you plan to retire NOW and would like her to go back to work so you can enjoy hanging out with your friends and spending her earnings? Dan, that's a creative prospect. I'm not so concerned with the fact that I'm earning and she's not; envious, but not bitter. It's more that I realized she doesn't have much to gain from my retirement, so certainly no motivation to give up some of life's comforts to enable it to happen early. I think if I could say "we've got enough saved that I can stop working today", there's nothing to debate. But if I add "but only if we move to Thailand and radically change our lifestyle", there's a whole different level of buy-in required, and not much incentive for her. That is, I have a lot to gain from a scenario like my buddy is planning. It's worth making a change in lifestyle to gain freedom from the 9-to-5 gig. Her trade-offs are different, and more "us" time isn't really high on her list. |
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