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Post by Dan on Oct 21, 2016 8:02:23 GMT -5
I know I've posted about this before, but the concept of "scheduling sex" came up recently in a post by JonDoe . I decided I wanted to make this former post of mine its own thread here in "Resources".There used to be a school of thought that the refuser should agree for a time (say, 2 weeks) to have sex anytime their spouse requested it. I think the idea was twofold: one, to show that when supply is plenty, demand is not incessant like it might appear; second, that having sex often isn't as bad or as tedious as imagined, and it greases the gears of the relationship to make other issues so much more tolerable. This is pretty much the concept of The Forty Beads method, which I wrote about on EP: www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/6763433The author's website about the book: www.fortybeads.comI heartily believe the author is on to something. (Alas, I also believe by the time one member of the couple is Googling "sexless marriage" and finds ILIASM, it is probably too late for this to work.) I bought and read the book. It was a very enjoyable read and very convincing that it some cases it would work. What kind of cases? Not a sexless marriage; more like the case of a "flagging sex life of a suburban couple drained by the regular grind of family life... but who do still cherish each other." The concept is: wife gives pouch of 40 beads to the husband. At any time he chooses, the husband places a bead in a bowl on her nightstand; she acknowledges his romantic request, and they have sex sometime in the next 24 hours. Crazy? Read the book: I'm telling you it makes sense... for the cases where "scheduling" and "being run ragged by family life" is the main barrier. Did it work for me: not really. The problem is we were "too far gone". Too much resentment on my part for it to really "take", and it didn't (in her case) increase her libido or up her romantic game. But I SO WISH I had found this book ten years earlier; I really think I would not be here today if I had. The Forty Bead's author's "origin story" is something along the lines of wanting to give her husband the gift of forty straight nights of sex for his fortieth birthday... but then got cold feet that it wouldn't be humanly possible! Her inspiration was to give forty beads, each good for sex anytime. Thus the Forty Beads method is not about "several straight days of sex". It is about removing the sense of scarcity that the undersexed husband feels around sex. With the sense of scarcity gone, he is no longer "begging for sex every day in hopes that he will get it once or twice a week". Rather, he is calmed by the fact that he WILL have it, the wife benefits because the "haranguing" goes away AND he is on his best "good husband" behavior... and both parties enjoy the romantic build up more and better sex when it happens.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 21, 2016 9:20:56 GMT -5
Downloaded a couple of the podcasts mentioned here, and some about codependency today. Thanks for the pointer!
Had a listen on the road....blubbed!
Very bloody useful. I'm going to take some more in and start mending myself.
This 40 beads method sounds good for those who still have hope and desire for their partners.
I have lost the will to fuck him now though. I just want to be done.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 21, 2016 10:04:45 GMT -5
If I had tried 40 beads I'm pretty sure she would have negotiated it down to 2 beads
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Post by beachguy on Oct 21, 2016 10:13:53 GMT -5
If I had tried 40 beads I'm pretty sure she would have negotiated it down to 2 beads And.... I would have needed to have read the book before the honeymoon, and brought beads with me. |
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Post by LITW on Oct 24, 2016 16:40:59 GMT -5
We tried a 10 day challenge twice (leading up to Valentines day). The first year it lasted 4 days, the second it lasted three. The third year came and went and I didnt even mention it to her, she never did either. I have come to realize that it didn't work because sex just isn't important to her. For her its an afterthought that comes only if she thinks everything else in her life is taken care of and she has nothing more important to do. (and everyone else in a ten mile radius is asleep)
I am not saying this to look for pity, but instead to reinforce what Dan said, it only works if the marriage is otherwise healthy, and both partners have a genuine interest in meeting each other's needs.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 24, 2016 20:11:40 GMT -5
@dan
Oh, Dan. I am not going to say it. 🔥
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2016 21:01:06 GMT -5
We tried a 10 day challenge twice (leading up to Valentines day). The first year it lasted 4 days, the second it lasted three. The third year came and went and I didnt even mention it to her, she never did either. I have come to realize that it didn't work because sex just isn't important to her. For her its an afterthought that comes only if she thinks everything else in her life is taken care of and she has nothing more important to do. (and everyone else in a ten mile radius is asleep) I am not saying this to look for pity, but instead to reinforce what Dan said, it only works if the marriage is otherwise healthy, and both partners have a genuine interest in meeting each other's needs. Which is the other thing those trying to fix their ILIASM shithole I think sometimes forget: you can beg and cajole and lay down ultimatums in the off chance they will have sex with you more often. But you can't make them like it. You'll be enjoying your excruciatingly, humiliatingly negotiated monthly sex, and you'll notice their eyes are wandering across the ceiling, and you'll ask what they're looking at, and they'll say they can't remember if they called the plumber so can we hurry up? |
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Post by baza on Oct 24, 2016 21:27:47 GMT -5
Been reading in here (and on old EP) since Feb 2009.
Can't recall any story pointing toward "scented candles" strategies such as this 40 bead deal ever working on an ILIASM shithole.
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That's NOT to say that "scented candles" strategies are useless, as they most certainly have their place in a jaded / stale sort of deal.
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There is just no evidence at all that "scented candles" strategies will work on a full blown ILIASM shithole.
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But, there is an obvious upside - if you want to uncover the truth of your marriage.
Try the "scented candles" approach.
If it works, then yay !!! you have a jaded / stale marriage that might respond further to further "scented candles" approaches.
But if it DOESN'T work, then you know that you have a genuine ILIASM shithole on your hands.
Or - if you find the idea of instigating a "scented candle" scenario repugnant, again, you know you have an ILIASM shithole.
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"Scented candles" strategies are an excellent diagnostic tool, and therefore, are very valuable.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 24, 2016 23:28:42 GMT -5
I can think of other things to do with 40 beads. 
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 25, 2016 20:04:32 GMT -5
I can think of other things to do with 40 beads.
Yeah... Whenever I see that reference, I picture them all strung together... |
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Post by baza on Oct 27, 2016 21:54:19 GMT -5
Mmmm.
Yep, referred to in my jurisdiction as "Chinese Love Beads".
The idea being that the stringed beads are inserted anally one at a timer during foreplay, and later, as orgasm is imminent, they are withdrawn in one steady and powerful movement. (not exactly like starting a chain saw, but similar)
Dressing like a lumberjack or some other occupation where chainsaws are usual is optional.
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It's an interesting experience, whichever role you adopt be it chainsawer or chainsawee.
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 29, 2016 15:41:11 GMT -5
If we started the 40 beads plan ten years ago, I'd sadly still have many beads left. My wife reluctantly agreed to try 30 days of sex, which lasted two days before she started with excuses. In total, we had sex five times in 30 days, which was a record in our marriage never to be repeated since. She unnecessarily made it extremely stressful for both of us.
I also tried getting my wife to listen to the One Extraordinary Marriage podcasts with me with the intent to improve our marriage. She was present for one because I played it in the car, so she really didn't have much choice, but she was clearly tuning out most of it. Then she was present for part of another, which I played when we were alone at home, but she left the room less than half way through with some excuse that she needed to do fold laundry or some such meaningless task that could easily be put on hold. In fact, I offered to do it for her after WE finished listening to the podcast together, but she left the room anyway. She made additional excuses on the next few attempts as well, but when finally pushed to a reasonable answer as to why she wasn't willing to her excuse was that the woman speaker annoyed her. Well of course, the husband and wife team were coaching couples to have sex 2 or 3 times per week, and take turns initiating, which means relinquishing control for the passive aggressive monster living in the refusing control freaks brain.
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Post by Dan on Oct 29, 2016 17:28:17 GMT -5
If we started the 40 beads plan ten years ago, I'd sadly still have many beads left. I realize this technique is not for most already self-identifying as a "sexless marriage". The wife has to WANT to give the beads to the husband; she has to honor when they are redeemed. (Exceptions allowed for true medical issues and the like.) What do you mean "sadly, [you'd] have many left"? You mean that you wouldn't have redeemed them? |
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 29, 2016 21:27:22 GMT -5
If we started the 40 beads plan ten years ago, I'd sadly still have many beads left. I realize this technique is not for most already self-identifying as a "sexless marriage". The wife has to WANT to give the beads to the husband; she has to honor when they are redeemed. (Exceptions allowed for true medical issues and the like.) What do you mean "sadly, [you'd] have many left"? You mean that you wouldn't have redeemed them? Yes and no. Technically, she wouldn't have redeemed them despite my attempts to "cash in". I'd theoretically put the bead in the bowl, 24-48 hours would pass, I'd have to ask why she didn't acknowledge my "romantic" request, the wife would make one or more excuses, including a claim that she didn't notice the bead in the bowl, without honoring the arrangement, then the bead would go back in the pouch. Good concept in theory, but still puts all responsibility on the husband to initiate and gives all control with the wife. For that reason, I don't like it, but hey whatever works. I like the concept of the OneExtraordinaryMarriage approach better, which goes something like the following. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday are his days to initiate on any ONE day, her days are Wednesday, Thursday or Friday to initiate on any ONE day, Saturday is a bonus day for either to initiate (or not). Simple and easy to remember, plus both spouses share the responsibility for initiating. Add in an occasional creativity, and it sounds like a fool proof plan. That is unless you are roommates with a fool! |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2016 22:43:11 GMT -5
I realize this technique is not for most already self-identifying as a "sexless marriage". The wife has to WANT to give the beads to the husband; she has to honor when they are redeemed. Â (Exceptions allowed for true medical issues and the like.) What do you mean "sadly, [you'd] have many left"? Â You mean that you wouldn't have redeemed them? Yes and no. Technically, she wouldn't have redeemed them despite my attempts to "cash in". I'd theoretically put the bead in the bowl, 24-48 hours would pass, I'd have to ask why she didn't acknowledge my "romantic" request, the wife would make one or more excuses, including a claim that she didn't notice the bead in the bowl, without honoring the arrangement, then the bead would go back in the pouch. Good concept in theory, but still puts all responsibility on the husband to initiate and gives all control with the wife. For that reason, I don't like it, but hey whatever works. I like the concept of the OneExtraordinaryMarriage approach better, which goes something like the following. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday are his days to initiate on any ONE day, her days are Wednesday, Thursday or Friday to initiate on any ONE day, Saturday is a bonus day for either to initiate (or not). Simple and easy to remember, plus both spouses share the responsibility for initiating. Add in an occasional creativity, and it sounds like a fool proof plan. That is unless you are roommates with a fool! Skip church and spend Sundays celebrating your carnality. You know what they say about Sunday...the day that begins in worship and ends in exhaustion. Then Monday you're still recovering. Wednesday you have evening service, and it's getting into the word on Thursday night. Friday you follow 1 Corinthians 7:5 with the intent of thwarting the Devil on Saturday, but you've been so busy that Saturday is the only day you have to catch up on errands. And since you didn't follow the advice of Saul of Tarsus, you find yourself consumed by lust, of which you repent on Sunday. Rinse and repeat. So you only have Tuesday. But you get into a fight over whose day that is to initiate, so no rooting on Tuesday either. So set Sunday aside. It's your only chance. |
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There used to be a school of thought that the refuser should agree for a time (say, 2 weeks) to have sex anytime their spouse requested it. I think the idea was twofold: one, to show that when supply is plenty, demand is not incessant like it might appear; second, that having sex often isn't as bad or as tedious as imagined, and it greases the gears of the relationship to make other issues so much more tolerable.
Have you checked out "One Extraordinary Marriage" podcasts? They highly suggest scheduling sex as well as taking the 7 day sex challenge and 30 day sex challenge.The Forty Bead's author's "origin story" is something along the lines of wanting to give her husband the gift of forty straight nights of sex for his fortieth birthday... but then got cold feet that it wouldn't be humanly possible! Her inspiration was to give forty beads, each good for sex anytime.
