|
|
Post by Caris on Oct 22, 2016 16:08:19 GMT -5
It sounds like you have a problem with authority figures. Anyone in authority who says something must be right, and you must be wrong. You don't have belief in your own values, or your own opinion. Why? I don't know why, but I recognize it because I had the same problem from being brought up with authoritarians. You're definitely on to something, Caris. I gave some thought about why. Here's one case where I accept that my upbringing comes into play. This isn't the only why, but it strongly contributed. I'm the firstborn of several, and was a smart kid. As she should have, my mom took steps to prevent me from being an arrogant know-it-all, thinking the universe revolved around me. But she went too far. She (figuratively) beat all the self-confidence out of me. She often snarkily said "you think you're always right" followed by her correction. She often wouldn't reason with me, she'd just make it sound like I couldn't possibly be right all the time so I needed to take my turn being wrong, as if I were allowed to be right only a small percentage of the time. She often used the line "because I'm your mom and I said so." She was fairly controlling. It's hard to explain all the ways she pushed me in this direction, but I know that eventually my inner self became quite good at invalidating my inner self before she even spoke the words. Like I say, I know smart kids need to be trained to respect other people and perspectives. She tried. I have a couple of smart kids myself, and I know it's hard to get that balance right. God help me to not mess my kids up! If something does not feel right, seems off, or makes you uncomfortable, listen to your inner voice of reason. You may be afraid to offend anyone. You don't have to offend anyone to stand up for yourself and believe in your own inner compass. You have a voice of reason. Use it. You've been listening to it. You hear it, but don't act on it. You got to bring your voice of reason in line with your actions and TRUST yourself. I recognize this as great advice, but it's so hard for me! My inner voices say: "What right do I have to be right more than anyone else?" (Thanks, Mom.) I think the counter is: This isn't about anyone else. I do have the right to be right within my own boundaries. If it is about my own business, I do have the authority to form my own opinions and conclusions and act upon them. I should not cede my ground to others. "Why should my inner compass, my inner reasoning, count for anything? You can't trust yourself; that's heresy!" (Thanks, misguided religion.) I find this harder to counter. See, everything you wrote here is spot on. You already know why. It's been conditioned into you. This here: "This isn't about anyone else. I do have the right to be right within my own boundaries. If it is about my own business, I do have the authority to form my own opinions and conclusions and act upon them. I should not cede my ground to others." This is so powerful, I'd make this a mantra. The more you say it, the more it will seep in to your sense of self and embolden you. ]"Why should my inner compass, my inner reasoning, count for anything? You can't trust yourself; that's heresy!" (Thanks, misguided religion.) I find this harder to counter." Long held beliefs are extremely hard to counter, especially faith based ones, but all I can suggest is to listen to your own truth. It may take years. It took me decades to counter authority figures, and I still have remnants of the brainwashing because that's what it is...brainwashing. Washing our authentic selves out and replaced with the lots of other voices of people who didn't know best. You need a new therapist. One who can help you regain the part of you that's been submerged for so long. |
|
|
|
Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 24, 2016 10:02:11 GMT -5
ted, Cancel your next appointment and don't reschedule. That psychologist isn't meeting your needs. He isn't teaching you any skills to live by. He isn't helping you to cope with the depression caused by your situation. You need to get out of this mind-fuck psychology farce first, then find someone to help you get out of your sexless marriage. You are way too young to be going through this. I went to group therapy for battered women after leaving my first marriage. We worked on developing new relationship skills, but we never delved into our childhood "traumas". We lived and worked in the present. The benefits of that therapy have stayed with me for the past 35 years. We were taught to ask ourselves how this relationship makes us feel about ourselves. Unfortunately it never addressed the sexless situation as abuse. I don't think they would even have considered it abuse. My youngest son is Bipolar 1. His psychologist is teaching him coping skills and how to live a normal life with this horrible illness. It is amazing how he has benefitted from his sessions. He is psychologically stronger and in tune with the fluctuations of this illness. There are better doctors out there. Good luck!
|
|
|
|
Post by ted on Oct 25, 2016 12:33:04 GMT -5
Yay, I did it! I just hit send on the email to cancel tomorrow's appointment, and told him I won't be rescheduling. That was too easy. The world didn't end.
Exercising my power feels good, if a little anticlimactic.
Thanks, everybody.
|
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 25, 2016 21:57:44 GMT -5
Yay, I did it! I just hit send on the email to cancel tomorrow's appointment, and told him I won't be rescheduling. That was too easy. The world didn't end. Exercising my power feels good, if a little anticlimactic. Thanks, everybody. EXCELLENT! Great job setting boundaries, Ted. Exercising our freedom becomes nearly foreign in an SM (or, it did in mine). High five!! |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Oct 27, 2016 22:21:40 GMT -5
Good work Ted.
You can rely, with some certainty, that your counsellors' world will not be devastated / torn apart by your departure in any long term sense.
-
Something to keep in mind when the next toxic person to offload comes in to your cross hairs.
|
|
