Psychologically abused by my counselor

I once had a counselor who said that I had issues with my parents, and I did. My dad did not pay as much attention to me, and my mom was overwhelmed with health problems. They had eight children, who they each gave healthy doses of Catholic guilt. Still, they were good people who set a great example to me. As one counselor said to me, they did the best they could. I could have done a lot worse!

I've made my amends to them. They are not the issue - it's my wife who is now.

ted, it is about you and who you feel comfortable with. Sounds like you're not comfortable with him, so find another one. And call your parents if they are still around.

I kind of have a rough relationship with therapy too. I could go on and on. I'll try not to. Long story short, therapists can sometimes have methods that don't fit the patient. This sounds like your situation. For what it's worth, I wouldn't respond well to your therapists style either. Reading about it kind of made me roll my eyes at best and cringe at worst. Again though, I have some bias against psychology and therapists in general.

I believe there's great value in therapy but also great bias and cultural influence. I think mental "health" is highly subjective. What's "healthy" behavior for one therapist is "unhealthy" according to another. I'm sure different countries definition of "healthy" behavior varies greatly as well. Not to mention that there is usually a very narrow window of "acceptable" behavior by most therapists standards anyway. For example, you can't be aggressive, that's bad. But don't be passive either. There's this very small narrow window of assertiveness that is "right" and I'm willing to believe that if you asked 10 therapists to define that range of acceptable assertiveness that you'd get 10 different answers. They may all be within the same ballpark of each other but I bet they'd all fail to agree completely.

You are only getting one man's perspective. He doesn't have all the answers. No one does. He is bound to have at least some bias in his approach and views. He's not supposed to include his bias but it's hard not to. He is human afterall and no one is there to police him or read his thoughts to make sure that he's not letting his own personal history and background set the course you sail. Plus, even he he is going "by the book", we'll who wrote the book anyway? Frued? Jung? Some other guy with his own bias and personal viewpoint? Reality cannot be truly perceived by anyone. I ironically learned that in therapy. I applied that lesson to my therapist and realized that she's not perceiving reality either. She's perceiving her colored and distorted personal version of reality. Just like everyone else. She's trained to try and remove those distortions but they're still there to a degree. Its inevitable. Therapists are human so they are bound to have the same shortcomings as the rest of us.

See? I knew I'd get all fired up and ramble. Lol. Anyway, here's what I think. I'd ditch the guy. Going through your past is probably helpful but not allowing you to discuss the present is mind blowing. Just mind blowing. That approach may work for some, but it doesn't seem to be the right approach for your situation. You've given him a fair chance. You brought up your grievances. He doesnt seem to want to change and the approach doesn't seem to be helping. So I'd personally just thank him for his time but tell him you'd rather work with someone that had a different approach. That's my 2 cents.

You just have to keep changing therapists until you find one that can help you. It took me almost ten years, a half a dozen therapists and thousands of dollars before I found any kind of clue as to what was wrong with me. Ironically it took so long because despite the fact that none of the recommended treatments worked, most of the therapists never thought to ask about my past but rather tried treating the symptoms instead. I think they actually made the situation worse because no matter what we tried to do to fix the situation the symptoms persisted making me and my wife feel like hopeless losers and causing my wife to completely quit all therapy out of sheer frustration. It wasn't until I switched from sex and marital therapists to a Psychiatrist who started asking me about my family of origin that we began to get some, but not all the root causes behind my sexual dysfunctions which would start anytime I entered into an emotionally intimate relationship. Sadly much of it still remains somewhat of a mystery but at least my wife now knows that she shouldn't blame herself for our sexless marriage and I now know nothing can be done to fix the problem.

Here exactly is where this therapist is failing. He can't see he's offering you the wrong kind of therapy. Well that and he should see you have become enmeshed and dependent with him. He doesn't listen. Therapists are supposed to listen more than talk.

I started with my current therapist doing CBT. In fact that's his specialty. It was good as far as it went but he soon perceived that what's really eating me is old wounds, so he suggested we change gears and do psychodynamic therapy, which isn't as flaky as whatever fascist psychobabble you're being fed but does focus on the past. Which was what I needed.

Which, armchair psychiatrist that I am, is not what you need. I agree you should find a therapist who specializes in CBT and at least check it out. It focuses on the here and now and how changing your thinking changes your behavior. Hence Cognitive Behavioral.

You don't have to have a big dramatic breakup with your current shrink. Just don't make another appointment. It might be standard of care for him to call you but either don't answer or just say you believe another approach would be more appropriate so you're trying another therapist. If at this point he pressures you to stay with him, then yes he is controlling you and you need to run even faster.

Add me to the find another counselor bench. On the APA website search, counselors say what their backgrounds and approaches to therapy are. Find one who does not subscribe to these same methods or theories so strongly. Any relationship can be one of primary injury.

I do understand why childhood is a target of therapy. As children we are incredibly vulnerable and many injuries do lead to a lifetime of reaction. That does not preclude us from having other injuries, regardless of what may or may not have happened in childhood. If nothing else. we could assume that your childhood injuries, whatever they may be or how significant they may be (or insignificant), are unrelated to the marital injury. My marital injury was vastly different than previous injuries with the exception that all of them fed into my lack of self esteem and I suspect I'm not the only one, nor are you.

Find a counselor who is willing to explore more than one possibility.

It sounds like you have a problem with authority figures. Anyone in authority who says something must be right, and you must be wrong. You don't have belief in your own values, or your own opinion. Why? I don't know why, but I recognize it because I had the same problem from being brought up with authoritarians.

First thing is to recognize the problem, and to understand that just because someone is an "expert" in their field does not mean they know better. Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. Question everything and don't take anything at face value. It's a process of releasing the shackles of timidity and growing a stronger belief in your own common sense and reasoning.

If something does not feel right, seems off, or makes you uncomfortable, listen to your inner voice of reason. You may be afraid to offend anyone. You don't have to offend anyone to stand up for yourself and believe in your own inner compass. You have a voice of reason. Use it. You've been listening to it. You hear it, but don't act on it. You got to bring your voice of reason in line with your actions and TRUST yourself.

Good luck!

You're definitely on to something, Caris. I gave some thought about why. Here's one case where I accept that my upbringing comes into play. This isn't the only why, but it strongly contributed.

I'm the firstborn of several, and was a smart kid. As she should have, my mom took steps to prevent me from being an arrogant know-it-all, thinking the universe revolved around me. But she went too far. She (figuratively) beat all the self-confidence out of me. She often snarkily said "you think you're always right" followed by her correction. She often wouldn't reason with me, she'd just make it sound like I couldn't possibly be right all the time so I needed to take my turn being wrong, as if I were allowed to be right only a small percentage of the time. She often used the line "because I'm your mom and I said so." She was fairly controlling. It's hard to explain all the ways she pushed me in this direction, but I know that eventually my inner self became quite good at invalidating my inner self before she even spoke the words.

Like I say, I know smart kids need to be trained to respect other people and perspectives. She tried. I have a couple of smart kids myself, and I know it's hard to get that balance right. God help me to not mess my kids up!

I recognize this as great advice, but it's so hard for me! My inner voices say:

"What right do I have to be right more than anyone else?" (Thanks, Mom.)  I think the counter is: This isn't about anyone else. I do have the right to be right within my own boundaries. If it is about my own business, I do have the authority to form my own opinions and conclusions and act upon them. I should not cede my ground to others.

"Why should my inner compass, my inner reasoning, count for anything? You can't trust yourself; that's heresy!" (Thanks, misguided religion.) I find this harder to counter.