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Post by JonDoe on Oct 14, 2016 13:43:56 GMT -5
Have you asked your wife if she wants an open marriage? Would you be OK with an open marriage? Your friends sound like "I'd OK with that", they may have an open marriage. It may be a solution for your marriage. I am, as far as I know, the only person my wife has had sex with. during one of our "talks" I asked her if she was bored of our sex life? If she wanted to experience sex with other men or women? I had been very sexually active before I met my wife, she hadn't. I told her I would support her and be OK if she felt like she needed to. She told me without hesitation that she had no desire to have sex with anyone else. I believe her. She just has no sexual desire. I have asked my wife if she would consider an open marriage as a means to resolve our extremely different libidos, and as you might guess her response was basically something like "I'll divorce your f---ing ass and make you pay if you ever sleep with another woman!" The astute reader might have already noticed the loophole in her statement, but I've never been attracted to men, not that their is anything wrong with that as Jerry Seinfeld would say. 😂 As for my friend having an open relationship, I suppose it is possible, but I doubt it. She shared with me years ago, that she has never been with another man except her husband. She only works part-time and her kids are in school all day, so it is possible that she has already cheated on him. I know that the few times I have called her during the day, she picks up faster and with much more enthusiasm than my wife when she sees my number on her phone, but she also brags about it to my wife and another good neighbor friend when they get together for wine. Although, perhaps I am fabricating this fantasy in my mixed up mind. For all I know, my wife could be having an affair with her, and the overtly friendly bit with me is some kind of diversionary scheme. I've been interested in my friend for 15 years, and occasionally day dream about the secret affair we could have had the last 10 years while I worked from home. I would definitely tell my younger self not to live a squandered life. |
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 14, 2016 14:05:56 GMT -5
JonDoe , I'm going to repeat what I often tell new people here: Re-read your story. Then ask yourself this: What about this marriage is good for *me*? And as far as the outsourcing - I can understand being cautious if you think it would make terrible trouble later on. But to be brutally honest - I don't understand why you have any moral qualms at all. This harpy you're married to is not only refusing you - she is doing it in a way that hurts you and shames you. IMHO, she deserves to have you outsource - and tell the whole world what a selfish bitch she is.0 I have read my story here and the private journals that I keep securely encrypted and password protected on my tablet and phone. The honest answer is "nearly nothing at this point". Fear of the unknown is an evil demon that stands in the way of a rich, fulfilling life for so many people, me included. So many times I have wanted to shout from the rooftops what this selfish bitch has put me through. There is a double standard out there in the "real" world though. Tell anyone outside this forum that hasn't had experience with sustained rejection in marriage that an attractive married man's wife refuses to have sex with him and people immediately assume a) he is a lousy lover, b) he has a micro-penis, c) he is fat and lazy, d) he is a cheating jerk that deserves what he gets, e) all of the above. Tell the same exact story about an attractive married woman and the responses are a) he is gay, b) he has a micro-penis, c) he is fat and lazy, d) he is a cheating jerk, e) all of the above. Notice a pattern? And just for the record none of the above apply to me. Although, I do admit to being somewhat apathetic about my career and marriage in the last few years. Can you honestly blame me? |
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Post by beachguy on Oct 14, 2016 15:33:09 GMT -5
JonDoe , I'm going to repeat what I often tell new people here: Re-read your story. Then ask yourself this: What about this marriage is good for *me*? And as far as the outsourcing - I can understand being cautious if you think it would make terrible trouble later on. But to be brutally honest - I don't understand why you have any moral qualms at all. This harpy you're married to is not only refusing you - she is doing it in a way that hurts you and shames you. IMHO, she deserves to have you outsource - and tell the whole world what a selfish bitch she is.0 I have read my story here and the private journals that I keep securely encrypted and password protected on my tablet and phone. The honest answer is "nearly nothing at this point". Fear of the unknown is an evil demon that stands in the way of a rich, fulfilling life for so many people, me included. So many times I have wanted to shout from the rooftops what this selfish bitch has put me through. There is a double standard out there in the "real" world though. Tell anyone outside this forum that hasn't had experience with sustained rejection in marriage that an attractive married man's wife refuses to have sex with him and people immediately assume a) he is a lousy lover, b) he has a micro-penis, c) he is fat and lazy, d) he is a cheating jerk that deserves what he gets, e) all of the above. Tell the same exact story about an attractive married woman and the responses are a) he is gay, b) he has a micro-penis, c) he is fat and lazy, d) he is a cheating jerk, e) all of the above. Notice a pattern? And just for the record none of the above apply to me. Although, I do admit to being somewhat apathetic about my career and marriage in the last few years. Can you honestly blame me? It's a sad fact of life that you'll likely never get validation from leaving her. I think it's something I just came to accept when I couldn't take another day in my marriage. |
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 14, 2016 20:21:37 GMT -5
There have been many times that I just want her to empathize with me, even just a little bit. I've even asked her to put herself in my position and share how she would feel, but I honestly can't recall a single time she has done that.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2016 20:37:33 GMT -5
This is a classic Bait and Switch and I should know it happened to me. I'm sure your wife is a nice person but there is no marriage there. She is not sexually into you and does not want to share her sexuality with you. It works both ways, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. So you don't have to share your sexuality with her. I outsourced for a couple of years then in 2016 I got a divorce. I didn't like the sneaking. I wanted freedom to have sex whenever I wanted. As well there were so many other issues beyond sex that were wrong with my marriage. You are in the right place and not alone. Read a lot and find your happiness. Ironically, I was the best lover that she ever had. I always did my very best to satisfy her sexually. Despite her admittedly being very promiscuous prior to marriage, she had never received oral sex or expericed orgasm before she met me. I learned to control when I ejaculated until after she had at least one orgasm during intercourse, but of course, I always made sure she had at least one or two orgasm before intercourse too. She enjoys sex when we have it and that is always on her terms, but she is a freakin camel and can go without for very long periods of time, and the stars have to be aligned as well. Back when I was still trying, she would reject me with a sharp, nasty tone. To this day, I cringe when she uses that tone, even when it's not directed at me. I have thought about outsourcing many, many times, but never went through with it because I made a promise that I felt compelled to honor (not judging anyone, in fact I respect your choices and am envious too). I had plenty of opportunities too. I quite one job because I was having an extremely difficult time resisting the temptation of advances in the workplace. In fact, I started working from home 10 years ago because another beautiful young woman in the office wanted to sleep with me and she wasn't afraid to tell me what she wanted to do to me and what she wanted me to do to her. I feel so foolish now for my choices to remain faithful despite the dire circumstances. She already broke the marriage commitment. No reason you shouldn't. But probably better still to just end it. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2016 7:00:30 GMT -5
Outsoucing Opportunity A married, female friend of ours from the neighborhood has occasionally, and sometimes very openly, shared that she doesn't get the kind of intimacy she wants from her husband. Unlike my wife, her husband was rather nonchalant about it. On one occasion while out drinking and watching the woman's World Cup a few years ago in mixed company with her husband sitting right beside me, she asked me and another woman if she should get divorced solely because of lack of intimacy. I tried my best in the situation to offer her support, but feared the backlash that would come if my wife over-heard me sharing my pain as well. On another occasion, when the four of us where out together for this woman's 40th birthday, she was sitting next to me, looking me right in the eyes and said the only thing she wants for her birthday is physical intimacy. This time I was a bit more bold, yet playful and placed my hand on hers and said "I will be more than happy to give you what you want for your birthday!" Her husband immediately, said "I'm ok with that." Interestingly enough, there was no audible reaction from my wife. Her husband drove, so when we pulled up at their house she invited us in to see the new finished basement. She and I had been exchanging lustful glances all night long, and now at this point we couldn't stop looking longingly in each other's eyes. So I smiled, then frowned and said we should be going now despite wanting the complete opposite. She mentions similar things whenever I'm around and she has had a few drinks, but I have never acted on it or discussed it with her further for fear of being rejected or being blamed for wrecking two marriages and families. I remain very attracted to our friend, and wish I could gain the courage to pursue her. What would you do in my situation? Should I talk to her and let her know that I feel her pain because I too am in a living hell? Should I pursue her or move on completely and look for a partner with a complete stranger? Wrecking two marriages? Egads good man these marriages are already wrecked! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 16, 2016 7:38:00 GMT -5
So many times I have wanted to shout from the rooftops what this selfish bitch has put me through. There is a double standard out there in the "real" world though. Tell anyone outside this forum that hasn't had experience with sustained rejection in marriage that an attractive married man's wife refuses to have sex with him and people immediately assume a) he is a lousy lover, b) he has a micro-penis, c) he is fat and lazy, d) he is a cheating jerk that deserves what he gets, e) all of the above. Tell the same exact story about an attractive married woman and the responses are a) he is gay, b) he has a micro-penis, c) he is fat and lazy, d) he is a cheating jerk, e) all of the above. Notice a pattern? And just for the record none of the above apply to me. Although, I do admit to being somewhat apathetic about my career and marriage in the last few years. Can you honestly blame me? My experience has been a surprising amount of understanding when I put my divorce into a few sentences. I tell people, " this is my side of it, we have been married 24 yrs. There was no cheating, alcahol, drugs,physical abuse, gambling or debt. I lived in a loveless, sexless marriage. My wife is a manipulative controller, she puts family first, marriage had little place, I was shoved on the back burner for decades,on a broken stove. We adopted more and more children, then her father came to live with us for 9 yrs now, the " intruder". My wife's income was 3 times greater than mine, she was allowed to excel at her career. I made the mistake of believing, happy wife, happy life. I was far too passive. We are setting a terrible example for our kids of what a loving ,married couple should be like. The future will be better for the whole family if we seperate. That's my way of shouting, and getting much needed support. Hope that helps! It took months, years to come this far. |
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Post by baza on Oct 16, 2016 7:52:46 GMT -5
Brother JonDoe.
It is true to some extent, what you say about people - "immediately assume a) he is a lousy lover, b) he has a micro-penis, c) he is fat and lazy, d) he is a cheating jerk that deserves what he gets, e) all of the above" either way.
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What is equally true is that these exact same people, having speculated on the matter for several minutes, then turn to see how the finals of "Canada Has Talent" are going.
And in 12 months time probably won't recall what they thought back then, and really, not give much of a fuck either.
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People don't think about you anywhere much as we think they do.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2016 9:35:20 GMT -5
Brother JonDoe. It is true to some extent, what you say about people - "immediately assume a) he is a lousy lover, b) he has a micro-penis, c) he is fat and lazy, d) he is a cheating jerk that deserves what he gets, e) all of the above" either way. - What is equally true is that these exact same people, having speculated on the matter for several minutes, then turn to see how the finals of "Canada Has Talent" are going. And in 12 months time probably won't recall what they thought back then, and really, not give much of a fuck either. - People don't think about you anywhere much as we think they do. You mean those black helicopters flying over my house aren't taking pictures of me? |
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 16, 2016 10:12:28 GMT -5
Brother JonDoe. It is true to some extent, what you say about people - "immediately assume a) he is a lousy lover, b) he has a micro-penis, c) he is fat and lazy, d) he is a cheating jerk that deserves what he gets, e) all of the above" either way. - What is equally true is that these exact same people, having speculated on the matter for several minutes, then turn to see how the finals of "Canada Has Talent" are going. And in 12 months time probably won't recall what they thought back then, and really, not give much of a fuck either. - People don't think about you anywhere much as we think they do. Yes, this is true. My primary point was the double standard of how society generally believes the problem must be the guy. |
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Post by thefullmoon on Oct 19, 2016 8:16:21 GMT -5
My wife legal roommate and I recently " celibated " 25 years of marriage. The last ten years fit the clinical definition of a sexless marriage, at least half of which were truly sexless. Zero. Zilch. Nada............. Your story brought tears into my eyes... Amazingly...people think about themselves as truly religious and God loving...can have a total absence of love ...love to their (supposed soul mate) the only one they promised to love and cherish ....but the saddest thing that you allowed yourself to be treated this way...again and again... |
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Post by Caris on Oct 19, 2016 13:08:18 GMT -5
JonDoe, Soul Crushing is exactly what it is. I spent 25-years like that. It was a nightmare, and it does change you. It robs you of something, and you can never get it back...trust. I am truly sorry. My heart hurts for you. It is abusive behavior because she doesn't care about your needs, only her own. You don't matter to her, and that hurts like hell. I hope you find your peace.
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