I Want You to Want Me -- Celibate Good Times

My wife legal roommate and I recently "celibated " 25 years of marriage. The last ten years fit the clinical definition of a sexless marriage, at least half of which were truly sexless. Zero. Zilch. Nada. During the best of married times, we had physical intimacy once or twice a month, which from my current vantage point would seem like a gift from the Gods. However, as a young married man who thought he was in love, the constant rejection became very painful. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was very slowly chipping away a piece a me. Now I don't even recognize myself anymore, and it's very sad.

We both had premarital sex before meeting each other. She pursued me, and at the end of our first date she invited me up to her apartment. I was prepared to be a gentleman and wait for the relationship to develop before making sexual advances, but she wanted sex, and despite trying to resist the temptation, I stayed the night. We had sex every time we got together. Sometimes she would call me in the middle of the night to come over and have sex. I could go over to her place at 2am after a night out with my guy friends, and we would have sex, in fact she would initiate it. She even occasionally started having sex with me in the middle of the night while I was still asleep. OMG, I LOVE THIS WOMAN! Or so I thought.

After a year of dating, she told me that she wanted to get married. At the time, I could totally see myself with this woman for the rest of my life. So we got engaged and moved in together. This is when I started to notice a change. Sex became less spontaneous. Suddenly her sleep became more important, even on the weekends. I didn't fully realize it at the time, but we only had sex after I took her out for dinner and drinks. At the time, I thought it was an adjustment period. In fact, when I questioned whether or not to proceed with the wedding, several married people that I talked to assured me that this was only a temporary phase. Unfortunately, you probably know by now that I bought it hook, line and sinker!

Many years later, after we had two kids, she held a dinner for her small group from church. No, I wasn't in the small group, but that is a story for another day. Anyway, at this small group dinner in OUR home, she gave a "devotional" about her premarital promiscuity. She went into details that I wasn't aware of at the time. She shared how she didn't think twice about having sex with strange men, some of which she wouldn't even remember their name the next day. How she had multiple partners in the same day, even when we were dating. The rest is a fog, but there was more she wanted to share. Needless to say, I was stunned. Why was she sharing this after all these years? Why did she choose the one and only time I was present with the small group? Was this her way of apologizing to me or further punishing me? Immediately after my wife finished speaking, the woman who was our friend from the neighborhood and headed up the small group, turned to me and asked "[Jon], what are your thoughts about what [Jane] just shared with the group?". As all eyes were on me, I was stunned, couldn't think, wanted to cry, and ask "Why?" The first and only thing that came out of my mouth was "I had no idea..." After several seconds of uncomfortable silence, the other woman's husband said "Ok, let's pray." I don't remember a single thing that happened afterwards. However, I realize now that I squandered an opportunity to speak openly about the pain our sexless marriage was causing me. Instead, I froze. Of course, when I attempted to have a constructive conversation about it with my wife the next day, she was in complete control, and it ended poorly, with me losing as usual.

Fast forward to about 5 years ago... My wife sheepishly says "I have a confession to make." I immediately thought to myself "Ok, here it comes. How much is this going to cost me? Did she wreck the car?" Then she proceeds to tell me that she bought the "50 Shades of Grey" book and she planned to read it. She had read the typical romance novels for years, but I had heard that this was much more explicit. My mind started racing. "Where did this interest come from? Why is she telling me? Is this an attempt for her to change? Can I afford to let myself be vulnerable again and get my hopes up?" I want to believe that I kept an open mind. Once she started reading the book, she couldn't put it down. She read every night, but only after she went up to bed, while I was still downstairs. One night I went up earlier than normal, and walked in on her masturbating with the bedroom door open, the lights on, and the book laying on the bed next to her. I was shocked, confused, and turned on all at the same time. She immediately jumped up out of bed, covered herself, and raised her voice at me as if I had done something wrong. When I told her how turned on I was and asked if I could join her, she said "No, I already finished." in her usual spiteful rejection tone. So I excused myself, from the room and closed the door behind me, but stood outside the door. After a few minutes, I could hear her moaning again. I remained outside the door until she had her last orgasm, then I went to the guest room, which had become my room many years before. This wouldn't be the first or last time, I found her masturbating, while I suffered in agony. However, being the fool that I am, I remained optimistic that this had the potential of a new beginning in our marriage. She continued reading every week night and twice on Saturday and Sunday until she finished the trilogy.

Every few months, sometimes years, I come out of my fog and realize just how unhappy I am living in a sexless marriage. Now is just one of many such times. As I reflect each time coming out of this fog, I ask myself "Where am I? How did I get here? Where am I going?" Unfortunately, I have plenty of questions, but I don't have any answers. That's it, "I am clueless, naive, foolish, and just plain stupid!" I must be, right? What other explanation can one give for remaining in a marriage where your spouse doesn't want to sleep in the same room, doesn't want to have sex, is basically almost completely uninterested in you?

I say almost because she does care if I work or not, pick up after myself, help with chores, etc. She would definitely throw a temper tantrum if I canceled the weekly maid service.

Until now I have never had the courage and determination to file for divorce, but now the urge to leave is greater than my desire for her to love me, to truly want me. I tried having constructive conversations, counselors, books, etc, but nothing has ever improved the situation for more than a very brief period of time, if at all. Each time I let myself be vulnerable and opened up about how it truly made me feel, without pointing any blame, she would tell me that I am too sensitive, or otherwise do her best to invalidate my feelings. For anyone reading this post that has never experienced a sexless marriage, or is in the early stages of questioning their marriage, let me tell you from experience it is SOUL CRUSHING. It changes you, and affects every area of your life.

Now I feel like an empty shell of the man I once was. I gave up pursuing my career, which is now just a job to pay the bills. Both kids are in college, although, one is still living at home. I made it to the point that I promised myself so many years ago that I would do my best to achieve, yet I am not proud of my accomplishment. I am lost, bewildered, alone, and seriously contemplating divorce. And perhaps the ultimate kicker is that she will be viewed as the victim by her friends and colleagues, as well as our mutual friends and family.