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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 12, 2016 16:22:47 GMT -5
This stereo typing of your new councilor painfully reminds me of the " love language- acts of service". As a much better councilor told me, " acts of service quickly become everyday expectations, and loose there affect. Causing you to continue to jump through her hoops."
This councilor , by her own mistakes, has helped you to see that you have been in a give, give, give, situation. It's time to start taking.
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Post by sminpa on Oct 12, 2016 16:46:49 GMT -5
Isn't this 1st degree stereo typing? That would be a big turn off from a councilor who is supposed to be giving me customized, individual, one on one service! Physical: I was naked, you clothed me. Hungry, you gave me food. Cold and wet, you gave me shelter. Pretty basic. This can be accepted or denied too. But the person giving, has the satisfaction of the physical evidence. They know how a vast majority would perceive there efforts as the right thing to do. emotional: you can have 100 people, with 100 different approaches, yet it comes down to the person with the emotional problem to decide wether to accept, any of it, or deny all of it. Which keeps the person giving the emotional healing in a constant , never ending loose, loose situation. So, maybe, if emotionally she might want to hold your hand, ( give a starving person bread and water) in the future. Boy, that's encouraging!! Kind of missed that in the marriage vows. The only person on the planet that I am allowed to give intimacy to or have sex with, is allowed to ( quoting my own STBX here during counciling) " there's a chance, that I might, possibly, consider, that maybe, sometime, I might possibly need to work on that, some". That's a pet peeve when people who should know better perpetuate that ridiculous stereotype. Just look at the membership here. You'll find men craving emotional intimacy and women more interested in getting laid than in chocolates and cuddling. Well maybe not the chocolates. I actually addressed that with the counselor and she did the "oh yeah yeah of course, but most of the time...." I used the food analogy - We entered this marriage agreeing to share our food with each other and only each other. - For the last ten years she decided to change that agreement and in doing so she is starving me. - So now the plan is for me to continue to starve until I figure out why she won't feed me, fix whatever I am doing wrong, in hopes she will at some point share her food again with me. (Which by the way she can do at any time.) - And all the while I am starving to death. |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 12, 2016 17:18:43 GMT -5
That's a pet peeve when people who should know better perpetuate that ridiculous stereotype. Just look at the membership here. You'll find men craving emotional intimacy and women more interested in getting laid than in chocolates and cuddling. Well maybe not the chocolates. I actually addressed that with the counselor and she did the "oh yeah yeah of course, but most of the time...." I used the food analogy - We entered this marriage agreeing to share our food with each other and only each other. - For the last ten years she decided to change that agreement and in doing so she is starving me. - So now the plan is for me to continue to starve until I figure out why she won't feed me, fix whatever I am doing wrong, in hopes she will at some point share her food again with me. (Which by the way she can do at any time.) - And all the while I am starving to death. In my book hope is a waste of time and when it comes to SM so is counseling. I'm pretty sure your wife will not change and a counselor is not going to make her change. Yes, she's starving you and to continue with the food analogy- if she was not providing you with food then I'm sure you would be eating out or let's say you were at a fancy restaurant and everything looks great but there's no damn food. I'd never go back to that place again! Everyone needs different things out of marriage and it's not fair that refusers should get to be happy and content with the marriage that they want while we have to suffer, grin and bear it. They need to realize if nothing else that one day the chickens are going to come home to roost. "Why" they won't fuck us is not our problem to figure out, it's their problem to figure out and quickly once the refused find the SM forum because their run is about to run out if they don't! Nobody has the right to control another's sexuality. Lay your cards on the table to your wife, she needs to figure out her emotions so that she can fuck you and if she doesn't someone else will. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Oct 12, 2016 17:51:14 GMT -5
Might as well be. As might I as well have been in my marriage. I considered the priesthood once upon a time. I thought I couldn't deal with the celibacy. The joke is on me. SaveSave |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2016 18:00:38 GMT -5
That's a pet peeve when people who should know better perpetuate that ridiculous stereotype. Just look at the membership here. You'll find men craving emotional intimacy and women more interested in getting laid than in chocolates and cuddling. Well maybe not the chocolates. I actually addressed that with the counselor and she did the "oh yeah yeah of course, but most of the time...." I used the food analogy - We entered this marriage agreeing to share our food with each other and only each other. - For the last ten years she decided to change that agreement and in doing so she is starving me. - So now the plan is for me to continue to starve until I figure out why she won't feed me, fix whatever I am doing wrong, in hopes she will at some point share her food again with me. (Which by the way she can do at any time.) - And all the while I am starving to death. And why is it always the refused spouse who is expected to change first? Even if this stereotype were true, ok, women need emotional connection and men need to fuck. So let him start right now being emotionally open and available, and let her start right now offering two enthusiastic roots per week. Almost everyone I've seen in a SM who went to marriage counseling seemed to do so with the intent of doing everything they possibly can to give their refuser what they want, in the misguided hope that then they will get laid...when all they accomplish is giving their refuser a few more sex free months, with the added benefit for the refuser of being waited on hand and foot, since "Acts of Service" seems to be the default love language of refusers. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2016 18:01:38 GMT -5
Might as well be. As might I as well have been in my marriage. I considered the priesthood once upon a time. I thought I couldn't deal with the celibacy. The joke is on me. SaveSaveThe Lord has a twisted sense of irony. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Oct 12, 2016 18:09:20 GMT -5
Twisted to say the least ...
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Post by unmatched on Oct 12, 2016 18:44:41 GMT -5
If I started a religion - it would be "I was naked, you clothed me. Hungry, you gave me food. Cold and wet, you gave me shelter. Horny and got me off. Sober and got me drunk." I was thirsty, you gave me Kool-Aid |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Oct 12, 2016 19:23:09 GMT -5
Might as well be. As might I as well have been in my marriage. I considered the priesthood once upon a time. I thought I couldn't deal with the celibacy. The joke is on me. SaveSaveThe worst part is that (apparently) priests and nuns both have their fair share of difficulty in maintaining their celibacy. Now granted, the research on the matter is fuzzy. I don't know what constitutes breaking a vow of true celibacy by the church's standards (ie, does masturbation count?) but regardless, if you look it up, apparently they are possibly getting it on more often than those of us in a SM. When I stumbled on that little piece of information my world kind of changed. |
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Post by beachguy on Oct 12, 2016 19:30:48 GMT -5
This stereo typing of your new councilor painfully reminds me of the " love language- acts of service". As a much better councilor told me, " acts of service quickly become everyday expectations, and loose there affect. Causing you to continue to jump through her hoops." This councilor , by her own mistakes, has helped you to see that you have been in a give, give, give, situation. It's time to start taking. ^^^^^^. This this this |
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 14, 2016 7:40:56 GMT -5
Most marriage counselors are not trained to handle sexual issues in a marriage properly. Some will try a little, but most will focus on the other pillars of marriage. I strongly advise to contact your health insurance carrier and request a list of sex therapists in your area, visit a few alone to get a feel for which one you prefer, then tell your spouse that the current counselor isn't working for you. Of course, you can continue with the current marriage counselor. YMMV. |
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