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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 10, 2016 23:54:06 GMT -5
My daughter graduated from law school and is now employed at a fortune 100 company. We are very proud of her. The problem arises in her treatment of me. My first task is to insist that my husband stand beside me and support me. She couldn't get away with this hurtful treatment of me unless he allowed it.
Dear daughter,
I see the disdain you have for me. You think I have no intelligent input into conversations. When I speak, you treat me with disrespect. You cut me off and embarrass me. I am done with watching what I say. I have a right to express myself and be who I am. I feel sorry for you that you think it's ok to treat me this way.
I am so disappointed that you think it's ok to be so disrespectful toward me. This shows a notable lack of integrity. I had hoped you would mature to the point that you could realize that I have my own unique gifts and talents. I deserve to be respected for who I am.
Mother
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Post by unmatched on Oct 11, 2016 18:35:26 GMT -5
I am sorry this is happening - it is very difficult and hurtful to deal with. But I think a lot of kids take until their mid 20s (at least!) to start seeing their parents as real people, so she may yet come round sometime in the next decade or so...
And if I could make a blunt observation, you said, 'My first task is to insist that my husband stand beside me and support me. She couldn't get away with this hurtful treatment of me unless he allowed it.' Maybe that is part of why she sees you the way she does? If you want to be respected for who you are, then you need to make sure (by yourself) that you are given the respect you want.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 11, 2016 20:23:32 GMT -5
We need to present a united front. He and our daughter are very close. Their relationship is more that of student and advisor rather than father daughter. They are very much alike. I know how they think. If he ignores the way she treats me, it's as if she has his permission to be disrespectful. He probably doesn't notice. I bring creativity and warmth into the mix. They see me as over sensitive.
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Post by unmatched on Oct 11, 2016 20:48:22 GMT -5
We need to present a united front. He and our daughter are very close. Their relationship is more that of student and advisor rather than father daughter. They are very much alike. I know how they think. If he ignores the way she treats me, it's as if she has his permission to be disrespectful. He probably doesn't notice. I bring creativity and warmth into the mix. They see me as over sensitive. But the point is not just whether or not you the two of you should allow your daughter to treat you that way. She is clearly a very strong, intelligent, independent person who is able to go out into the world and stand on her own feet. She needs to see you the same way, and right now she doesn't. And as long as you feel like you need your husband's help to stand your ground then that isn't going to happen. |
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Post by baza on Oct 11, 2016 20:53:27 GMT -5
A number of your posts are about sensitivity Sister Rhapsodee.
Your actual level.
The level other people perceive you to have.
The level you perceive other people to have.
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Your daughter, and your spouse appear to be incredibly insensitive individuals from your writings.
And, if your level of sensitivity is a bit on the higher side than "average" (whatever that might be) then there's going to be trouble in such a dynamic.
Probably, even if your level of sensitivity is "average" (whatever that might be) then the level of insensitivity your daughter and spouse exhibit toward you is still going to mean trouble.
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I don't think I'd be holding my breath waiting for them to develop a bit of sensitivity / empathy. In this regard people are pretty much what they naturally are.
Likewise, I don't see you suddenly becoming a hard nose thick skinned individual.
Nor would I suggest that you tried to be.
You are you.
Nothing wrong with that.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 12, 2016 10:02:11 GMT -5
We need to present a united front. He and our daughter are very close. Their relationship is more that of student and advisor rather than father daughter. They are very much alike. I know how they think. If he ignores the way she treats me, it's as if she has his permission to be disrespectful. He probably doesn't notice. I bring creativity and warmth into the mix. They see me as over sensitive. But the point is not just whether or not you the two of you should allow your daughter to treat you that way. She is clearly a very strong, intelligent, independent person who is able to go out into the world and stand on her own feet. She needs to see you the same way, and right now she doesn't. And as long as you feel like you need your husband's help to stand your ground then that isn't going to happen. My daughter was a very fearful and clingy baby and child. I received a good deal of criticism for allowing her to cling to me. I let her decide when she was ready to wean. She needed the comfort and security of my body. I felt instinctively that I shouldn't "let her cry it out" when she was a baby. I never left her to cry alone. I taught her to come to me when she was angry rather than attack another child. She would run to me and wrap her arms around me and either scream her anger or cry. When she was done, she would go back to play. I never pushed her away to force her to "be brave". I let her decide when she was ready to let go. As a result, she is a strong independent woman. I am so proud of her. I just wish that she had the sensitivity to see how her words and actions hurt others and me. |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 12, 2016 16:32:31 GMT -5
I think that it's a great letter and your daughter should be made aware of the fact that she is hurting your feelings and you would like for her behavior to change.
My mother to this day tells me that being a mother is a thankless job.
We do our best to raise them and it sounds like you did a great job in helping her to become a strong, educated, independent woman. Telling her how she makes you feel is important communication in any relationship. What she does with that information will speak to her empathetic side which she may or may not have but at least you told her.
I think it is typical for children to take on character traits of their parents.
Some children lean more towards one parent than the other, some children are a good mix of both and perhaps some are not like either but I don't think that's so typical. My sister is like my father- militant, difficult to live with and selfish. I'm more empathetic like my mother but I have the logical mind and competitiveness of my father. So with my children I did not want them living 30 days out of the month with my controlling, manipulative, narcissistic refuser, their dad, in hopes that they will not take on his traits.
Anyway, my point, I do not believe in staying in a bad marriage for the kids. Eventually they grow up, move out, live their own lives while we have wasted ours with an incompatible spouse.
Great letter! You are her parent no matter how old she is and if she is doing something that needs correction then that is your job whether she wants to hear it or not. Today I sent my son a text instructing him to fix his below par grades or he could say goodbye to his life meaning electronics and friends.
That's our job.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 12, 2016 18:56:42 GMT -5
I think that it's a great letter and your daughter should be made aware of the fact that she is hurting your feelings and you would like for her behavior to change. My mother to this day tells me that being a mother is a thankless job. We do our best to raise them and it sounds like you did a great job in helping her to become a strong, educated, independent woman. Telling her how she makes you feel is important communication in any relationship. What she does with that information will speak to her empathetic side which she may or may not have but at least you told her. I think it is typical for children to take on character traits of their parents. Some children lean more towards one parent than the other, some children are a good mix of both and perhaps some are not like either but I don't think that's so typical. My sister is like my father- militant, difficult to live with and selfish. I'm more empathetic like my mother but I have the logical mind and competitiveness of my father. So with my children I did not want them living 30 days out of the month with my controlling, manipulative, narcissistic refuser, their dad, in hopes that they will not take on his traits. Anyway, my point, I do not believe in staying in a bad marriage for the kids. Eventually they grow up, move out, live their own lives while we have wasted ours with an incompatible spouse. Great letter! You are her parent no matter how old she is and if she is doing something that needs correction then that is your job whether she wants to hear it or not. Today I sent my son a text instructing him to fix his below par grades or he could say goodbye to his life meaning electronics and friends. That's our job. Wow! Thank you so much. |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 12, 2016 19:05:07 GMT -5
rhapsodee you are very welcome! Just one mom to another! Hugs
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 12, 2016 19:05:40 GMT -5
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Post by Caris on Oct 20, 2016 18:33:31 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. I think our children treating us with disrespect is even more painful than our refusers doing it. I hope she comes round and sees you for the strong woman that you are. Just keep your head up with dignity, and stand your ground. The rest is up to her.
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