Just needing to vent somewhere.
Oct 2, 2016 16:18:15 GMT -5
warmways, GeekGoddess, and 7 more like this
Post by soloinohio on Oct 2, 2016 16:18:15 GMT -5
I don't think I've ever put all of this out there to anyone. I have so many feelings wrapped up in this situation. I know I should get some therapy but I don't know if I could speak these words while sitting face to face with another human being. It's just so humiliating for me. But I know I need to and I will. But here, in the anonymity of an internet forum, feels like a good place to start. So here goes.
It's been 4 years since my husband and I have had a proper romp. Since then there have been 3 pitiful attempts that I've dragged him into, all of which were half-hearted efforts on his part and only left me more miserable and depressed.
I guess I should've realized where this was leading earlier on. We met on an online video game. He pursued me somewhat aggressively and certainly persistently. He made 'sexual advances' in as much as you can in an online setting. When he met me at the airport at our first 'in person' meeting, as soon as we were alone in the elevator he pushed me against the wall and kissed me very passionately. I was under the impression that he was a man who could meet my sexual needs.
But then he came to live with me and I realized his libido was not a match for mine. I would say 80% of the time I would initiate sex. That was highly unusual for me. But he didn't make me beg for it or anything so I didn't mind it so much. Then as time went on and our feelings for each other became greater I realized he was never initiating sex. Never. He had even started rejecting my advances occasionally which really bothered me. I'd never had a man reject my sexual advances before so this was a blow to my self esteem. Back then when I talked to him about this he would tell me that I was oversexed, that it was unhealthy how often I wanted sex - basically that I was not normal for wanting to have sex more than once or twice a month.
And then we got married and it all went to hell in a hand basket.
We sleep in separate rooms. He has told me that he 'tends to himself' with porn. I 'tend to myself'. How frequently he tends to himself, I don't know but my libido is such that I tend to things on pretty much a nightly basis. He is perfectly content with things as they are but I am utterly miserable. I want physical intimacy. Touching, exploring, embracing, playing. I'm not interested in just laying there and never have been and yet in 2 of those 3 pitiful attempts, that is exactly what he asked me to do. No touching, exploring, embracing, playing. He told me to lay there and be quiet. And I did it. And I was miserable. A little bit of me died each time. To me that is not sex.
When I have talked to him about this issue he has said that he wants to please me because he knows it is his 'duty as my husband'....
That's exactly what I want to hear
That someone is having sex with me out of a sense of duty. No. No. No. I have stated as much to him. That I don't want him to have sex with me out of a sense of duty, that I want him to want to have sex with me and of course he then says he wants me. At first he said that he simply does not have that much of a libido and sometimes his 'tool' does not work the way he wants it to. So, I suggested talking to his doctor about this. Well his doctor gave him Viagra. He refuses to take it. He has been on testosterone shots for 3 months, still he has not approached me for sex a single time. I asked him that instead of 'tending to himself' to meet his needs, he come to me. Even if he was worried that his tool could not last or perform for a 'proper romp' we could please ourselves in each other's company, play together etc... He has never once approached me for this. So I approached him a few weeks ago to do just this. I did all the seducing and such, helped him along in his 'tending' and when he finished he rolled over to get up and go clean off and leave. Meanwhile I had not been touched by him nor myself. At all.
After that, I decided I would talk to him about something I had been suspicious of for a while.
To explain this I have to give a little backstory. I apologize for how long this is and commend those of you who have read this far.
He comes from a middle class background, I come from a poor background. When he met me I was a year out of an abusive marriage to a heroin addict (I am not now nor have I ever been a drug abuser). I had four kids from my first marriage and was living with my mom and working at a truck stop. When I told him this while we were talking online he actually asked if I had ever been on Jerry Springer... So you can see where he may have seen himself as superior to me.
A little on his background. His mother was killed by his adopted father in a domestic dispute when he was 10 years old. I include adopted only because this man is not someone who he had always thought of as his father. His adopted father had been in his life about 4 years when he shot his mother and killed her. He and his little sister (then a baby) were sent to live with his aunt who he has described as stern and unaffectionate.
For years I have felt more like his wife-mother than his wife-lover.
I suspect he has a madonna/whore complex, although he's not religious so I have never contributed it to some kind of religious dogma.
So I confronted him with this. He had never heard of it, but after I explained it to him he said it was likely.
Knowing the kind of misery I am in (in as much as he can I guess since he is not enduring it himself) he refuses to discuss this with his therapist (and he's in therapy, has been in therapy for years). There have been incidents, not affairs, but 'crushes' during our relationship that were strange (and unrequitted) that I think point to a madonna/whore complex as well which he will not discuss with his therapist either.
Earlier this week I realized that I am no longer sexually attracted to him and I don't know if this is something that can change if this dynamic in our relationship does.
So I plan to get in with a therapist and go from there. I feel like divorce is the only option considering he doesn't really want to fix this though. Even if he would take the viagra and talk to the therapist and fake pursuit. I miss good sex. Fun sex. Sex that doesn't involve duty, struggle, so many complications. I don't want to be a wife-mother I want to be a wife-lover.
Thank you to anyone who bothered to read all this. I apologize again for the length.
It's been 4 years since my husband and I have had a proper romp. Since then there have been 3 pitiful attempts that I've dragged him into, all of which were half-hearted efforts on his part and only left me more miserable and depressed.
I guess I should've realized where this was leading earlier on. We met on an online video game. He pursued me somewhat aggressively and certainly persistently. He made 'sexual advances' in as much as you can in an online setting. When he met me at the airport at our first 'in person' meeting, as soon as we were alone in the elevator he pushed me against the wall and kissed me very passionately. I was under the impression that he was a man who could meet my sexual needs.
But then he came to live with me and I realized his libido was not a match for mine. I would say 80% of the time I would initiate sex. That was highly unusual for me. But he didn't make me beg for it or anything so I didn't mind it so much. Then as time went on and our feelings for each other became greater I realized he was never initiating sex. Never. He had even started rejecting my advances occasionally which really bothered me. I'd never had a man reject my sexual advances before so this was a blow to my self esteem. Back then when I talked to him about this he would tell me that I was oversexed, that it was unhealthy how often I wanted sex - basically that I was not normal for wanting to have sex more than once or twice a month.
And then we got married and it all went to hell in a hand basket.
We sleep in separate rooms. He has told me that he 'tends to himself' with porn. I 'tend to myself'. How frequently he tends to himself, I don't know but my libido is such that I tend to things on pretty much a nightly basis. He is perfectly content with things as they are but I am utterly miserable. I want physical intimacy. Touching, exploring, embracing, playing. I'm not interested in just laying there and never have been and yet in 2 of those 3 pitiful attempts, that is exactly what he asked me to do. No touching, exploring, embracing, playing. He told me to lay there and be quiet. And I did it. And I was miserable. A little bit of me died each time. To me that is not sex.
When I have talked to him about this issue he has said that he wants to please me because he knows it is his 'duty as my husband'....
That's exactly what I want to hear
That someone is having sex with me out of a sense of duty. No. No. No. I have stated as much to him. That I don't want him to have sex with me out of a sense of duty, that I want him to want to have sex with me and of course he then says he wants me. At first he said that he simply does not have that much of a libido and sometimes his 'tool' does not work the way he wants it to. So, I suggested talking to his doctor about this. Well his doctor gave him Viagra. He refuses to take it. He has been on testosterone shots for 3 months, still he has not approached me for sex a single time. I asked him that instead of 'tending to himself' to meet his needs, he come to me. Even if he was worried that his tool could not last or perform for a 'proper romp' we could please ourselves in each other's company, play together etc... He has never once approached me for this. So I approached him a few weeks ago to do just this. I did all the seducing and such, helped him along in his 'tending' and when he finished he rolled over to get up and go clean off and leave. Meanwhile I had not been touched by him nor myself. At all.After that, I decided I would talk to him about something I had been suspicious of for a while.
To explain this I have to give a little backstory. I apologize for how long this is and commend those of you who have read this far.
He comes from a middle class background, I come from a poor background. When he met me I was a year out of an abusive marriage to a heroin addict (I am not now nor have I ever been a drug abuser). I had four kids from my first marriage and was living with my mom and working at a truck stop. When I told him this while we were talking online he actually asked if I had ever been on Jerry Springer... So you can see where he may have seen himself as superior to me.
A little on his background. His mother was killed by his adopted father in a domestic dispute when he was 10 years old. I include adopted only because this man is not someone who he had always thought of as his father. His adopted father had been in his life about 4 years when he shot his mother and killed her. He and his little sister (then a baby) were sent to live with his aunt who he has described as stern and unaffectionate.
For years I have felt more like his wife-mother than his wife-lover.
I suspect he has a madonna/whore complex, although he's not religious so I have never contributed it to some kind of religious dogma.
So I confronted him with this. He had never heard of it, but after I explained it to him he said it was likely.
Knowing the kind of misery I am in (in as much as he can I guess since he is not enduring it himself) he refuses to discuss this with his therapist (and he's in therapy, has been in therapy for years). There have been incidents, not affairs, but 'crushes' during our relationship that were strange (and unrequitted) that I think point to a madonna/whore complex as well which he will not discuss with his therapist either.
Earlier this week I realized that I am no longer sexually attracted to him and I don't know if this is something that can change if this dynamic in our relationship does.
So I plan to get in with a therapist and go from there. I feel like divorce is the only option considering he doesn't really want to fix this though. Even if he would take the viagra and talk to the therapist and fake pursuit. I miss good sex. Fun sex. Sex that doesn't involve duty, struggle, so many complications. I don't want to be a wife-mother I want to be a wife-lover.
Thank you to anyone who bothered to read all this. I apologize again for the length.
