Ugh. Counselling

Wow!! You sound so resolute with the state of your marriage and yours feelings. In a sense that can be very freeing to be so self aware even if you are not 100% ready to walk.

"Wtf do I get out of this?" - I asked myself the same thing and for me the answer was: Absolutely NOTHING! But it took me a long time to realize that.

Big hugs honey!

I felt this, thought this.  I was certain that being on my own could ONLY be better than being still in prison.  So I left the prison and did not go back - turned in the key to the cage as well.  On my own, though, I quit my therapist.  This wasn't a great idea.  It was based on concern for finance, as well, which is an echo of my ex (who lived only out of fears by the end of my deal - something I did not want to do but it came into play SO subtly that I failed to notice this was why I quit therapy).  I finally decided that I needed to go back to therapy so found a less expensive one.  Within weeks, I told her how my drinking had escalated and I ended up in 12-step program.  As much as I hated it when Ex would look down on me for having another (and another, and another) - - I have to admit that his derision DID serve a function.  It kept me "more in check" than I became when I got out on my own.  On my own, my sick thinking had no external controls to pull it bak in.  This is NOT to say this will happen to others.  But for me - even the dysfunction of my relationship did have a benefit I had never been aware of.
Suffice to say, however, that when left to my own devices and the drinking got so bad - then I was, finally, in a place where I knew I had to do something about it to save myself.  I took it seriously and I did what was needed to save my life.  Leaving the marriage WAS still the right choice, in order to save my spirit.  I don't regret leaving and I don't regret the escalating of alcoholism either because it was the causing of pain to myself that led me to seek the real solution (the right solution for ME to live a happy, albeit sober, life).
The best gift I have ever given myself is my sobriety.  The second best was my freedom.  The third best decision I ever made was to marry him (I'm serious about that).  I had a good marriage for a long time - and it was what I needed for my development.  It was a bit less than ideal from the very start.  That's okay, too.  It is what I needed, what I was ready for at that point of my growth.  And the good parts AND the bad parts helped me grow more.
I am so glad to be out.  I am so grateful to be sober.  But I also admit - I never would have lived this long if it hadn't been for my Ex in my life.  For that, I am grateful to him.  That does not mean I need to stay though.  I did not need to be in a living situation that made me cringe about going home, that made me feel small & burdensome when I was at my own home, that made me think "Is this really as good as it gets?"
Good luck to all of the forum friends who are in a roommate situation.  You deserve to feel love and NOT to be made small by a person who claims to love you.  If the partners say they love you and then proceed to make you feel like a burden, or to burden you with juvenile neediness, then they do not know what love truly is.  It is not dependence.  It is not utilitarian.  It is not really a physical thing even though most of us learn to express this emotion through physical acts (words, kindnesses, etc).  I am very grateful for this period of being on my own, without LoverMan confusing me, and to find out what that spiritual essence of emotional love really is.  AND I can't wait until I am "eligible" to date.  A relationship with right principles is a very exciting prospect.
Sorry - I am rambling now - but I love you all and feel GOOD this morning.  Happy hunting for the path out of misery whether that is from physically leaving or getting to a spot of acceptance and working on your exit plan or a strategy to make do while staying.