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Post by emmablueeyes on Oct 1, 2016 14:34:58 GMT -5
Its been awhile since I've posted. Finally having some of the tough conversations with my spouse about our marriage and complete lack of sex life. He's agree to put the house on the market in Feb and move himself to Montana to find whatever happiness he can. Then at some point we can make the determination about staying married after we see if him "happy" equates to feeling sexy. Although he did point out sex had nothing to do with his move to Montana as far as a motivator. I also asked if I could expect any real changes there if he lived in Montana. He said "are you going to be nicer to me?" Two years ago I stained a dining room table after he asked me not to because it might cause him to get a headache. I went ahead and did it because I was hosting Thanksgiving, had limited time to get it done, and everything gives him a headache. Apparently this was proof positive of my lack of concern for his needs and caring about him. He won't let it go. I did point out his completely lack of concern for my MAJOR need for a sexual relationship. Ended conversation with comment there is a "chance" our sex life will resume and he's been very nice ever since. Interesting since I admitted I wasn't even sure if I loved him anymore. He will not consider an open marriage.
Things have broken off with my outsourcing partner too so no relief from that source.
I'm not sure I can wait until Feb. How do healthy normal people survive without sex? Why am I hesitating to just get out? I know why I guess. Turning 51 soon and even though I am fit and still attractive I really don't want to try dating again and be alone and still celibate. Feeling very pessimistic about this love thing. If someone could just guarantee me that I will meet some smart, sexy, attractive, man again then I would pull this trigger!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2016 15:04:33 GMT -5
How do normal people survive without sex?  Then I am your case study... lost virginity at 28...entered sexless relationship/marriage about 34....I just turned 42 this week...when sex isn't real to you...just something in the movies....you roll on by...miserably. From my point of view, it's for "everyone else". |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Oct 1, 2016 15:37:27 GMT -5
I wish I knew what it is like to be a healthy normal person. I endure without sex. Not happily. Accepting that things will not change, I still do not move. I have chosen endless celibacy over complete loneliness. So it goes.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 1, 2016 16:41:18 GMT -5
As far as your ex, don't count on a change.
People either enjoy sex or they don't.
Another state is not going to make him any different, but that's his problem not yours.
As far as meeting a man with all of those qualities, there is no
guarantee but I can guarantee you that you will meet someone that you will want sex with if you put yourself out there to meet men.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2016 13:40:35 GMT -5
Emma, I stay because of finances and insecurity. I cant imagine that I could meet another woman who I could be with and love. It was hard enough to find this one.
There are absolutely no guarantees in life, other then nothing is for certain.
I have been told that it is better to be alone with a chance of love and sex then to be with someone and have no love and sex....
It makes sense, but I cant leave.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 2, 2016 14:50:00 GMT -5
Montana in February?....Why not outer Mongolia or perhaps someplace with a few more people, like the Russian steppes?
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Post by jim44444 on Oct 2, 2016 17:33:55 GMT -5
Does he really expect you to believe that moving to Montana will make a damn bit of difference? If he wanted to have sex with you then the location is irrelevant. The only time location is important is when it is part of a fantasy in a healthy relationship. Why February? What is magical about that date? He is only delaying action to keep you off balance. When February comes along there will be another requirement to be met. Call a real estate agent now, call his bluff now.
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Post by baza on Oct 2, 2016 18:33:12 GMT -5
There are two separate and stand alone issues in play here Sister ebe.
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#1 - is whether your ILIASM shithole warrants persevering with, or whether it needs to end. And that has to be assessed all by itself as a stand alone issue, independent of anything else.
#2 - is what your life might look life after you have resolved #1 above, and can only be speculated upon as a theory at this point.
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On what you have previously written and in this post, you make a compelling case to end this ILIASM shithole. The bloke is an unredeemable dud.
So as a single stand alone issue, it appears to be an open and shut case.
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But he case to end your ILIASM shithole has to stand up all by itself, independent of anything else.
Your post reads like your assessment of the marriage is that it needs to end. And from what you have written thus far, that appears to be a realistic conclusion to have reached.
The case to end your ILIASM shithole seems pretty much a done deal.
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But hanging this additional clause - "If someone could just guarantee me that I will meet some smart, sexy, attractive, man again" - on to the stand alone issue of #1 is a mistake.
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The two issues have nothing to do with each other.
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Your ILIASM shithole needs to stand, or fall, on its' own merits. As a single issue. It is bad enough to warrant ending it, or it ain't.
Get that resolved.
Then, you can turn to your future, and concentrate your focus on that issue as a stand alone matter too.
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What might help you with #2, would be to read extensively the writings of Sisters like grantgeek, bbgirl, nyartgal and assorted others who are post ILIASM shithole and carving out their new lives.
Whereas they (or anyone) can't give you a guarantee, they can attest to a potential better life ahead.
FWIW, I can't recall anyone in this group or the old EP group who left their ILIASM shithole coming back and saying - "Well that was a huge mistake, and I so wish I was back in my ILIASM shithole".
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2016 18:56:16 GMT -5
Just a note, on moving or staying put:
It's often a bad idea to move somewhere just because your partner, lover, person you're interested in, etc., is there.
Yet, people do it all the time. I've done it.
A place needs something good for you, *in addition to* that person. Ideally, you would have a job in the new place - and also be able to find reasons why you would like it, even if your special person wasn't there.
Notice I said "ideally" - people don't always get much choice in the matter. (Military wives can attest to that.)
The most recent move I made, was to a town about 80 miles away from my refuser. I had found a better job there. Also, the new town suits my temperament much better than the old town did.
I am presently not in a relationship, and that hurts. I don't like being on my own. But my relationship with my refuser had gotten depressing enough - and the move to the new town was good for me - so I have to say, I am very glad that I moved.
BUT - I moved for me, for reasons that were good for me and were not related to him.
Take this for whatever it's worth.
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Post by becca on Oct 2, 2016 19:04:30 GMT -5
I worry too that he won't follow through with his words. He is going to say anything if he can get you out there but then what? I agree with @smartkat, move for you.
Also, welcome!
I hope you beat the odds, sister!
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 3, 2016 9:14:36 GMT -5
Relocating creates isolation from your whole network of friends, emotional support, and professional contacts. It ain't easy when it's easy.
Doing it on speculation in a relationship puts you in a trapped position, where you're cutoff from other options and lack support to slog forward. It's a really weak position to be negotiating any kind of difficult situation.
If there are kids, this just amplifies the challenges. Not only for moving, but escaping if needed. Cost and logistics.
I suggest you let him go find happiness on his own, and if he's so enlightened that he wants sex, he'll still want it when he comes back to see you. He's had ample time to demonstrate who he is; burden's on him now to prove he's changed.
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Post by nyartgal on Oct 3, 2016 9:54:50 GMT -5
I'm with Baza. You don't sound at all interested in this guy or happy or in love or even like you care all that much at this point. And why would you, since he's given you nothing but bullshit excuses and evasion and no sex or honesty?
I'm one of those who moved to Opposite Land and found a wonderful partner. I couldn't be happier and I never would have expected it.
Two thing I learned that might help you (and others):
1. Sexless marriages are full of dishonesty, both with yourself and from your refuser. Assume that whatever "reasons" you are getting are at least 73% bullshit.
Therefore...
2. Talk is cheap. Look at your partner's actions, not his/her words. All that matters is what they DO, not what they say.
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Post by iceman on Oct 4, 2016 10:28:41 GMT -5
I echo what others have written here. Location makes no difference when it comes to sex. Either he wants to have sex or he doesn't and that stays the same regardless of where he is. Moving could be very isolating for you and make things worse. Montana is very nice but you won't have a support network, at least at first, and you'll be more dependent on him. Not particularly attractive if things remain as they are with him.
I have no doubt you will be able to find sexual partners. Attractive, fit 51 yo females will have to fight men off with a stick. You may have to work your way through some frogs to get to your prince. Finding someone to have sex with is easier than finding someone to have sex with who you are also attracted to in more than a sexual way is more difficult. Same goes for men finding women for sex. But the search is part of the fun ....
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