Knocking Me Down Seems to be a Pastime.
Sept 21, 2016 15:47:28 GMT -5
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Post by Caris on Sept 21, 2016 15:47:28 GMT -5
Last week, I was feeling...I won't use the word, but I was in a very bad place seeing no hope. I seem to attract insults as I just go around minding my own business.
I fought of that place with the support of kind words here, but again today a perfect stranger said something very unkind to me. Unkind words should not hurt a person so much from a stranger, but when you say them to someone who has been beaten down by them, it has an accumulative effect, and I ask myself, " is it true, am I so ugly in older age that I should really stay hidden away?"
After almost 18-years of marriage, I once again asked my husband why he didn't want to make love with me. We were lying in bed, and I asked in a very calm manner (we hadn't been arguing or anything like that). He looked at me, and said with absolute disgust, "go look in the mirror, you are ugly." To say I was devastated is an understatement. I could hardly breathe with the emotional pain that caused me. I didn't know I was ugly until that moment. I guess I was so used to receiving compliments on my looks, even in my 50s, I hadn't realized that age had taken them away from me, and made me look weird. I became paranoid about how I looked, and wouldn't leave the house for about 4-years because I believed that I should not be seen in public. It helped that I'd had three serious medical issues in this time (one life threatening), so I had good reasons to become reclusive.
A few years later, I confided in a friend (whom I never saw often) about what he said. Her reply confirmed his own words to me, "you are not the ugliest person on the planet." That confirmed that not only was I without love or was I wanted, but I had indeed grown ugly with age. I think stress of 25-years had something to do with it too. Now, I felt even more alienated.
I struggled for years trying to accept that despite how I look I should go out and I did try after my divorce and subsequent move across the country, but always alone. I couldn't believe that people would want to be with such an ugly woman. Maybe I would make them sick just to see me.
Last week, I'd got up the courage to put up a pick on OkayStupid (oh but before that I need to backtrack). A couple of years after saying that to me, he asked about me never going out. I told him that since he told me I was ugly that I couldn't bear to be seen in public. He denied ever saying it. Eventually he said, I didn't mean you were physically ugly, I meant you are ugly on the inside. So now from the pan to the fire. I would never say such cruel words to someone I don't like.
So back to last week and picking a pic for the stupid site: I asked my eldest which picture should I use, and to cut a long story short, he said "you look like you've had plastic surgery on that one." I haven't had plastic surgery or even a Botox injection. First it was the picture, and I felt dismayed about my looks again, but worse was to come. He told me that I look like an old person trying to look young, and that I look like I've had plastic surgery in real and just not in the picture. I was so hurt that I couldn't speak. I went away and sobbed my heart out. First sobbing in years, but I felt doomed to be not only alone, but someone who must have the effect of the hunchback of Notre Dame on people. I lost all hope that I'm a normal women, and I wanted to get in my car and drive until I died.
With your kind words of support, I managed to get back some strength and some reasoning. Today, I argued with myself to go back out and enjoy the afternoon on my bicycle. I won, and I got out in the sunshine, until that horrible woman approached me. This time it wasn't my looks, but it was horrible thing to say. It was all I could do to answer her back and leave, which I did.
I've always been afraid of riding in traffic down town, but before I started writing this, I thought, I'll do it. I'll ride in traffic and accept that I may be knocked down, and the bad place came back. Instead, I'm sitting in the park writing this not knowing where I belong because I'm such a misfit. I feel like I'm outside the human race like some alien, and as I try to get back close to people, someone reminds me I am someone outside of what it takes to be a part of humanity.
I'm going to ride home in the traffic. Let the chips fall where they may. I'm venting my pain, so you don't have to answer.
Btw, last year when I had a therapist she told me I was an attractive woman. I nearly cried, and said, "really," "really." Maybe she was being kind, but she said she meant it. I don't need to be attractive. I just want to look like a normal human being.
I fought of that place with the support of kind words here, but again today a perfect stranger said something very unkind to me. Unkind words should not hurt a person so much from a stranger, but when you say them to someone who has been beaten down by them, it has an accumulative effect, and I ask myself, " is it true, am I so ugly in older age that I should really stay hidden away?"
After almost 18-years of marriage, I once again asked my husband why he didn't want to make love with me. We were lying in bed, and I asked in a very calm manner (we hadn't been arguing or anything like that). He looked at me, and said with absolute disgust, "go look in the mirror, you are ugly." To say I was devastated is an understatement. I could hardly breathe with the emotional pain that caused me. I didn't know I was ugly until that moment. I guess I was so used to receiving compliments on my looks, even in my 50s, I hadn't realized that age had taken them away from me, and made me look weird. I became paranoid about how I looked, and wouldn't leave the house for about 4-years because I believed that I should not be seen in public. It helped that I'd had three serious medical issues in this time (one life threatening), so I had good reasons to become reclusive.
A few years later, I confided in a friend (whom I never saw often) about what he said. Her reply confirmed his own words to me, "you are not the ugliest person on the planet." That confirmed that not only was I without love or was I wanted, but I had indeed grown ugly with age. I think stress of 25-years had something to do with it too. Now, I felt even more alienated.
I struggled for years trying to accept that despite how I look I should go out and I did try after my divorce and subsequent move across the country, but always alone. I couldn't believe that people would want to be with such an ugly woman. Maybe I would make them sick just to see me.
Last week, I'd got up the courage to put up a pick on OkayStupid (oh but before that I need to backtrack). A couple of years after saying that to me, he asked about me never going out. I told him that since he told me I was ugly that I couldn't bear to be seen in public. He denied ever saying it. Eventually he said, I didn't mean you were physically ugly, I meant you are ugly on the inside. So now from the pan to the fire. I would never say such cruel words to someone I don't like.
So back to last week and picking a pic for the stupid site: I asked my eldest which picture should I use, and to cut a long story short, he said "you look like you've had plastic surgery on that one." I haven't had plastic surgery or even a Botox injection. First it was the picture, and I felt dismayed about my looks again, but worse was to come. He told me that I look like an old person trying to look young, and that I look like I've had plastic surgery in real and just not in the picture. I was so hurt that I couldn't speak. I went away and sobbed my heart out. First sobbing in years, but I felt doomed to be not only alone, but someone who must have the effect of the hunchback of Notre Dame on people. I lost all hope that I'm a normal women, and I wanted to get in my car and drive until I died.
With your kind words of support, I managed to get back some strength and some reasoning. Today, I argued with myself to go back out and enjoy the afternoon on my bicycle. I won, and I got out in the sunshine, until that horrible woman approached me. This time it wasn't my looks, but it was horrible thing to say. It was all I could do to answer her back and leave, which I did.
I've always been afraid of riding in traffic down town, but before I started writing this, I thought, I'll do it. I'll ride in traffic and accept that I may be knocked down, and the bad place came back. Instead, I'm sitting in the park writing this not knowing where I belong because I'm such a misfit. I feel like I'm outside the human race like some alien, and as I try to get back close to people, someone reminds me I am someone outside of what it takes to be a part of humanity.
I'm going to ride home in the traffic. Let the chips fall where they may. I'm venting my pain, so you don't have to answer.
Btw, last year when I had a therapist she told me I was an attractive woman. I nearly cried, and said, "really," "really." Maybe she was being kind, but she said she meant it. I don't need to be attractive. I just want to look like a normal human being.
