TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 11, 2016 1:34:53 GMT -5
OP removed.......context is pretty clear from the great replies. Thank you all so much, truly.
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Post by unmatched on Apr 11, 2016 2:06:20 GMT -5
The first thing I wanted to say was if you have never done this before and you are doing it on your own, don't be too surprised by what comes out. There is nothing here that you should freak out about or that would be dramatically different from a thousand other people's heads if they did the same thing. (Especially anybody with relationship problems!)
Secondly, there is a whole lot of valuable information in there. What somebody taught me once was to go through it slowly, statement by statement (and you have about six statements per sentence up there) and for each one write down whether it is True or False or whether it is a Don't Know. There will be stuff in there which feels true but isn't. And you honestly don't know what she is thinking or what is going to happen in the future so all of those would come under don't know. Then put them in columns and take a good look. You can see what lies you are telling yourself, what assumptions you are making about things you really can't know one way or the other. And perhaps most importantly there will come a whole bunch of stuff in the true column. And often that one is more powerful than the other two put together.
Give it a try, it will only take you 10 minutes and it might be extremely interesting.
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 11, 2016 3:32:04 GMT -5
..Well, yeah, because I'm nothing, I'm a nobody. I don't deserve anything. Lots of people live shitty lives, lots of people think about killing themselves, so what? I'm just another one of them, .. You are right where you should be, and get used to it, because this is where you stay..........in a living hell." Your stream of thoughts makes me think this: It is normal to try to find an explanation for the things that happen in your life. When you have heard a lot of negative comments on you from your wife or others, chance is big that your own thoughts become negative too. If you have tried things to make your life better, but it didn't work, you might probably look for reasons why you shouldn't expect good things to happen in the first place. "you don't deserve it and you are just one of many who are living shitty lives". After a long time of disappointments, it is not strange to feel like you can't expect anything but disappointments. This is "learned helplessness". And if you accept that your life is the way it is and nothing is going to change, that is exactly what will happen. Self fulfilling prophecy. You can get out though. You are trapped in your marriage. And now also trapped in your thoughts. You can changes your thoughts. And after that, you can accomplish more than you think. |
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mariposa43
Junior Member
Posts: 47 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by mariposa43 on Apr 11, 2016 6:09:06 GMT -5
..Well, yeah, because I'm nothing, I'm a nobody. I don't deserve anything. Lots of people live shitty lives, lots of people think about killing themselves, so what? I'm just another one of them, .. You are right where you should be, and get used to it, because this is where you stay..........in a living hell." Your stream of thoughts makes me think this: It is normal to try to find an explanation for the things that happen in your life. When you have heard a lot of negative comments on you from your wife or others, chance is big that your own thoughts become negative too. If you have tried things to make your life better, but it didn't work, you might probably look for reasons why you shouldn't expect good things to happen in the first place. "you don't deserve it and you are just one of many who are living shitty lives". After a long time of disappointments, it is not strange to feel like you can't expect anything but disappointments. This is "learned helplessness". And if you accept that your life is the way it is and nothing is going to change, that is exactly what will happen. Self fulfilling prophecy. You can get out though. You are trapped in your marriage. And now also trapped in your thoughts. You can changes your thoughts. And after that, you can accomplish more than you think. |
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mariposa43
Junior Member
Posts: 47
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by mariposa43 on Apr 11, 2016 6:10:50 GMT -5
I love what Tamara said. Bumble, are you getting any help from a therapist?
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 11, 2016 7:44:32 GMT -5
..Well, yeah, because I'm nothing, I'm a nobody. I don't deserve anything. Lots of people live shitty lives, lots of people think about killing themselves, so what? I'm just another one of them, .. You are right where you should be, and get used to it, because this is where you stay..........in a living hell." Your stream of thoughts makes me think this: It is normal to try to find an explanation for the things that happen in your life. When you have heard a lot of negative comments on you from your wife or others, chance is big that your own thoughts become negative too. If you have tried things to make your life better, but it didn't work, you might probably look for reasons why you shouldn't expect good things to happen in the first place. "you don't deserve it and you are just one of many who are living shitty lives". After a long time of disappointments, it is not strange to feel like you can't expect anything but disappointments. This is "learned helplessness". And if you accept that your life is the way it is and nothing is going to change, that is exactly what will happen. Self fulfilling prophecy. You can get out though. You are trapped in your marriage. And now also trapped in your thoughts. You can changes your thoughts. And after that, you can accomplish more than you think. Just listen to Tamara - she is smarter then us. - It is your thinking that has trapped you now. It is amazing how much of life is simply your outlook and perspective. Change that and you can change anything you want to. |
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 11, 2016 8:46:40 GMT -5
How can I change it?
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2016 8:48:19 GMT -5
If it makes you feel any better, I had things like this come out during journaling, too. I was shocked at the depth of my own unhappiness. I love Unmatched's idea of pulling apart your writing and looking at the pieces. And Tamara - wow! "Trapped in your thoughts" is just so perfect. Actually, everything she said is dead on.
I would encourage you to keep writing and save it. Then go back once in a while and read through it in order - I've done this a few times and it's pretty eye-opening. Journaling has saved my sanity a few times - even more than my therapist's office, it's the one place I can be utterly, brutally, horribly honest because there's no one to judge or try to change the way I feel.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 11, 2016 9:00:19 GMT -5
That is the trick. The Question. This may sound simplistic but I learned this from Buddhists. "If you want to change your thoughts, change your thoughts." I know, makes you want to smack 'em. What they are saying is, when you consciously find yourself having those thoughts, consciously change them, "falsify" yourself into happiness. (listen to music, go to the range, paint, work on your car, go for a walk - or run. When you do that enough, you will find yourself having more "good days" then bad. I feel (I could be wrong) they are saying that happiness is a habit. The same way sadness is - or smoking(my big vice)- or loneliness. Break the habit. If YOU wnat to change it YOU can. It is something that has nothing to do with anyone else or the situation your in. It Truly is "all in your head"- I studied this a lot. I could go on about this but I doubt anyone is interested. |
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 11, 2016 9:08:48 GMT -5
I once had a few NLP (neuro linguistic programming) sessions.
On every statements I made, I was asked "how does this thought help you? What is the benefit of that thought? "
For instance, If I say "I am unhappy and it is my husband's fault", the 'benefit' for me could be that since it is not my fault, I don't have to do anything.
But If I don't do anything, nothing will improve so this thought is not really helping anything.
If I say I am not strong enough to change my situation. the 'benefit' for me could be again, that I don't have to do anything because I won't be strong enough anyway. Not helpfull either.
There are reasons why you have certain thoughts. But the problem is that most of those negative thoughts keep you in the position you have and that is NOT where you want to be.
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 11, 2016 9:27:35 GMT -5
I know what you're dealing with. I have extremely similar strings of thoughts too. That was really brave of you to share all of that. It was very helpful to me. So I really appreciate being able to read it. It hit home for me. If I may, I'd like to offer up my thoughts on this line of thinking. Its based on reading I've done in self help books. We all have that voice in our head that said all those hurtful words to you just a few hours earlier. Its called your inner critic. Ironically, your critic is trying to protect you. I believe what's going on here is fear. Its fear of the unknown perhaps? ...maybe fear of divorce and all the radical changes that would happen? ...or maybe fear of your wife's reaction? Only you can answer those questions or perhaps dig deeper to find the heart of your fears. Regardless, these are all valid fears. They certainly scare me to death in my specific situation. It would scare anyone. Thing is, your critic just talked you out of taking the plunge. He used insults to prevent you from taking action. In an odd twist, you may have felt a bit better for not having to take action. You were able to stay in the known and not face the fears that are holding you back. I'm sure those insults hurt you, but it was also possibly rewarding to a degree to take on such self abuse. If you want yo learn more about the critic, visit your local library.  ..or pick up a copy of the self esteem book I recommend in the resources section of this forum. I swear I don't get paid to say that. Lol.. I just like recommending books that were especially helpful to me. ...and hey, hang in there. You'll be alright. Don't let that critic beat you up. Don't let him hold you back. Plus, bumbles bounce ... so take that plunge when you get the courage and bounce back. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2016 9:30:34 GMT -5
I would say you've already started - you're writing out your feelings in your journal and here which allows you to examine them more closely. Figuring out the "facts" can help you shift your perspective. One of the gifts of my writing was figuring out that I really wasn't to blame for my SM - I couldn't even start to change my life until I recognized that. And I spent years and years trying to figure out "what I was doing wrong" so being freed from that particular concern was huge. If you are willing, you'll find those things which will let you move forward. |
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 11, 2016 10:00:37 GMT -5
Thank you all so much for your advice and support. I GREATLY appreciate it. I feel I want to take that post down. It reminds me of too many bad things and I don't want anyone stumbling across it in the future. I have printed all of this off so I have your words of advice and encouragement.
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Post by petrushka on Apr 11, 2016 10:32:33 GMT -5
Ah, it's a pity that the original post is not there any more. In the light of some of the responses, it would've been nice to ... er, um ...
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 11, 2016 10:37:49 GMT -5
Others can word great advice better than I can. However, I find one of the best pieces I hear is to surround yourself with the right people. Encouraging people, people who understand! Can you think of that one person? Someone you went to school with, someone in the neighborhood, that person at the grocery store who seems happy all the time, that favorite pastor from years ago, that person who went to the gym all the time, etc...
It is okay to feel like a failure! Truly it is! To retreat is a wise, brave, Nobel, courageous , thing to do!
Re-group, get back up support, rethink your strategy. Study king David, George Washington, watch Braveheart, or Forest Gump again!
You do not dig wells at the top of mountains, you find them in the bottom of the valley!
Treat yourself this week. Go get a haircut, buy yourself a frosty, get your car detailed, compliment a lady at a resteraunt, or store!
Love is about give and take....it's past time for some taking!
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..or pick up a copy of the self esteem book I recommend in the resources section of this forum. I swear I don't get paid to say that. Lol.. I just like recommending books that were especially helpful to me.
