gl345
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Post by gl345 on Sept 19, 2016 14:38:46 GMT -5
Hi everyone. Me and my partner have been together for 9 years and have a 5 year old together. Our problem has really been there from the start when I look back although he denies it. When we first starting dating it was quite a while before we actually had sex it was more kissing and touching, I would get aroused as you do and be ready for the next step and he would be soft. I was like what's the matter and he would say it's because I feel guilty ( he'd not long split from his ex) but it kept happening. And the odd time he would manage it ( mainly from playing with it himself) it would last less than 5 minutes and no way would I feel satisfied. I never made him feel bad, always said it's fine don't worry etc but inside I was so frustrated more and more til eventually I felt like I dried up! I never got turned on anymore when we kissed as I knew nothing was gonna follow it. It was like I'd flicked a switch off inside. After 9 years he still really has no idea of what I'm like in bed as never had the chance to show him as like I sed always over really quickly when it does happen. He would go down on more for along as I'd want but what good is that when nothing to follow. It's taken its toll on our relationship, I don't feel close to him anymore, I can't really bare to kiss him etc. I moved out 2 years ago and now live in my own place but because of our child found it hard to break off and we're still in the same mess. Doing things together trips meals out holidays etc. He has been to the doctor they said nothing physically wrong with him. He went to a sex councillor thst hasn't helped. He says he hasn't a clue why it happens although he does tend to say when I try you push me away. Yes I do now after having years of it. He says he loves me and wants us to move back in. It's so draining on us both never knowing if we're coming or going, not to mention my daughter bless her. I don't want her to think this is a normal relationship. He says he loves me & finds me attractive etc but it's so hard to carry on like this anymore. I basically cut it off 2 weeks ago and said enough enough but he looks so sad. I feel ok until I see him then feel really bad. Any advice? Sorry so long.
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Post by Dan on Sept 19, 2016 15:16:03 GMT -5
Your post is not too long! Thank you for the courage to post the details of your story.
The longer you spend here, you'll find there are no simple answers. It sounds like you have done "everything right", and even he as done some good steps, too (see doctors, therapists).
If you feel there are other ways you could be content with a marital sex life that don't include PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex, then you should explore those. Options include oral, manual, and toy-based stimulation. Are you two willing to discuss this to try it? Added benefit: if you CAN find some mutual pleasure in those activities, maybe just maybe it will help him overcome the "mindblock" that prevents him from staying hard.
Also: have you attended any couples therapy? It seems usually couples therapy doesn't work because one of the couple is insistent that there isn't even a problem. But it sounds like your H acknowledges there is. Maybe a couples therapist could help him "figure out" his mental blocks, and having you there would allow you to see them and assist with him overcoming them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2016 15:30:03 GMT -5
Staying together because he looks sad isn't a really constructive reason to stay. A relationship that only one person wants to be in is only happy for half the people in it. If you're not happy he should accept that you don't want to be there. If he won't do that, staying is a valid choice, but if that's not what you want you're probably going to be pretty miserable.
You can still both be parents even if you're divorced. It's not as if once you pull the plug your family goes up in a mushroom cloud. Unless you have a vicious custody battle. Do you think you could both be rational and civil in a divorce for the sake of your daughter?
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gl345
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Post by gl345 on Sept 19, 2016 15:46:24 GMT -5
We never tried couples counselling. I feel like I am done now and not much left to give.i wish we had tried to sort it out ages ago but we never really talked about it until 2 years ago. We can definitely have a good relationship for the sake of our daughter. I am always fine infront of her around him and he's a good dad so nothing would stand in the way of that. I am not one for foreplay really. I don't mind it for 5 mins or so but I really just want to be penetrated and not by toys. I've never really felt like he loves me. And I've said this to him for years but he always insists he does (and lists the things he's done for me money wise) it's the things that don't cost anything that mean the most. Just looking out for each other and being caring etc I've never really felt that from him. He even said to me if u move back in I'll buy you a new car! I think it's over now to be honest. This is the most serious it's felt in the 2 years we've lived apart. Its hard as not really anyone to talk to, it's not the easiest subject to bring up. And no one really understands unless been in this situation.
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Post by Dan on Sept 19, 2016 15:52:38 GMT -5
I feel like I am done now and not much left to give.i wish we had tried to sort it out ages ago but we never really talked about it until 2 years ago. We can definitely have a good relationship for the sake of our daughter. ... And no one really understands unless been in this situation. Then it seems @phinheasgage may be right: time to wrap it up. Find a way to co-parent successfully. As for those who understand: I think may here really, really will. I'm glad you found us. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2016 15:58:32 GMT -5
We never tried couples counselling. I feel like I am done now and not much left to give.i wish we had tried to sort it out ages ago but we never really talked about it until 2 years ago. We can definitely have a good relationship for the sake of our daughter. I am always fine infront of her around him and he's a good dad so nothing would stand in the way of that. I am not one for foreplay really. I don't mind it for 5 mins or so but I really just want to be penetrated and not by toys. I've never really felt like he loves me. And I've said this to him for years but he always insists he does (and lists the things he's done for me money wise) it's the things that don't cost anything that mean the most. Just looking out for each other and being caring etc I've never really felt that from him. He even said to me if u move back in I'll buy you a new car! I think it's over now to be honest. This is the most serious it's felt in the 2 years we've lived apart. Its hard as not really anyone to talk to, it's not the easiest subject to bring up. And no one really understands unless been in this situation. Oh boy, trying to entice you back with a new car. I don't even know what to say. That's a first. |
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Post by baza on Sept 19, 2016 22:26:52 GMT -5
"Our problem has really been there from the start when I look back" - you say.
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And, you have done a smart thing in - "moving out 2 years ago and now live in my own place".
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Your position now, where you say - "I basically cut it off 2 weeks ago and said enough enough" seems eminently sensible.
This deal is going nowhere.
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Truth be told, it really looks like you have got this all figured out by yourself, and don't really need any advice / suggestions.
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But maybe you are looking for some sort of affirmation that what you have done is a reasonable course of action (?).
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You got it.
On what you have described, your actions seem perfectly reasonable.
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Post by JMX on Sept 19, 2016 22:51:58 GMT -5
To be honest, a new car sounds awesome right about now- that's definitely a first @phineasgage - I have never heard of that as a gift in response to a flaccid man! I have only paid for a flaccid man's expensive truck. Color me stupid.
Clearly, I am doing this all wrong.
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gl345
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Post by gl345 on Sept 20, 2016 1:23:07 GMT -5
Thanks Baza, yes it seems I have made the decision but for some reason I look for reassurance. It's like I need to justify myself. Probably because on paper he's the perfect man. Like I said from the outside look like the perfect couple and he's a good dad, good friend just not that good a partner! Also when my daughter grows up and asks why we split up i felt like Is this a good enough reason to split up! It's not just the sex though it's lots of other things, we don't get on half the time etc but I think a lot of our problems stem from no sex it's like a vicious circle. Anyway like u said I've made my mind up now just got to be strong and stick with it.
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Post by baza on Sept 20, 2016 1:52:14 GMT -5
Usually Sister gl345, I suggest you see a lawyer to establish how a divorce would shake out for you, and to know your rights and obligations under such a scenario. Also that you put together an exit strategy and knock it in to shape, that you shore up your support network to help you through, and that you research everything you can about helping kids through such an event.
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I suspect you may already have this under control though.
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And, the general consensus in this group is as you say it is for you. That the sexual dysfunctionality is invariably just a symptom of other issues.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 20, 2016 5:26:18 GMT -5
It's sort of late in the process but just for information purposes it might be interesting to talk to his X. Perhaps he experienced the same issue with her.
There are some similarities comparing your situation with a # of women who have posted about their H's masturbating to porn(or just masturbating) and not being aroused when stimulated or given the opportunity to be sexual with their wives. It also sounds like there may be some performance anxiety going on as he cums quickly once PIV is achieved. That could also be working against him as he fears he won't be able to satisfy you because he releases so quickly. Potentially a lot going on here.
But these are probably mute points as it seems you have already passed deal breaker status and have decided to move on. I can understand that.
It's OK to remain cordial with him. I am good friends with my X as we enjoy each others company and share a # of friends and have occasion to see each other. Co-parenting your child should be the primary focus of the relationship now. And it sounds like you are both capable enough to address that responsibility as adults.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 20, 2016 12:13:21 GMT -5
To be honest, a new car sounds awesome right about now- that's definitely a first @phineasgage - I have never heard of that as a gift in response to a flaccid man! I have only paid for a flaccid man's expensive truck. Color me stupid. Clearly, I am doing this all wrong. Me too. Maybe I could have engineered a move to my preferred town a few years earlier! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 20, 2016 12:42:42 GMT -5
To be honest, a new car sounds awesome right about now- that's definitely a first @phineasgage - I have never heard of that as a gift in response to a flaccid man! I have only paid for a flaccid man's expensive truck. Color me stupid. Clearly, I am doing this all wrong. It's also a first that I don't know what to say LOL. But yeah as long as he's giving away cars sign me up. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2016 13:45:09 GMT -5
I often say;
men want women not to change and women want women to change
Both are disappointed in marriage. It seems that we should both expect the opposite.
You know what the situation is and has been for 9 years. I just hope you have the guts to finally get away from something that is so bad.
(I wish I had the guts too)
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Post by unmatched on Sept 25, 2016 4:17:09 GMT -5
I often say; men want women not to change and women want women to change I don't know how many of the men on this site are going to agree with that! A bit of change would be great about now... |
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