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Distressed
Sept 16, 2016 13:41:54 GMT -5
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Post by Caris on Sept 16, 2016 13:41:54 GMT -5
I am greatly distressed. I'm still dealing with the post SM fallout and consequences, but this new life of mine, new state, new city, has taken a turn for the worse.
I've only been here just over a year, and now I may have to move and start over again. I can't face another big change, yet my situation has become very strained and very painful. I don't know where to go or what to do, and my heart feels like it's breaking.
My mind is slowing down, and I become overwhelmed very fast which makes my mind shut down (I think this is PTSD from 25-years of abuse). I still have no support network. I'm in such a black hole of depression, and I'm seeing no way out. My energy level is greatly diminished, more so mentally and emotionally.
Someone is being very unkind to me and treating me with indifference, and derision. I feel like I'm back with my ex with the passive aggressive abuse part of the relationship. My head is swimming. I thought I would just take off and drive and keep driving going nowhere. I don't see a future for me. I'm tired of abuse. I've had it most of my life, and I don't understand why people closest to me want to tear me down. People I love and encourage, but make everything about me into a negative.
Trying to regain a modicum of self esteem and confidence is hard enough after the SM, but to now be subject to such negativity is taking me down into a deep abyss. It's all I can do to get up and do basic stuff.
It's horrible. Maybe I should go away for a while, if I can find the energy to plan, travel, and do what? My youngest, who is on the other side of the world told me not to drive across the country because it's too dangerous for me. I become overwhelmed just driving out of my city, but maybe I should just do it, and accept whatever the journey brings my way. I'm so torn.
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Post by JMX on Sept 16, 2016 14:30:46 GMT -5
Caris - I am not sure what to say, by that I am thinking of you.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2016 14:31:11 GMT -5
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Moving to a new city is so much work; it's a huge adjustment to make. I hope you don't have to be uprooted all over again. I can see why you feel overwhelmed.
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Distressed
Sept 16, 2016 15:32:43 GMT -5
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Post by Caris on Sept 16, 2016 15:32:43 GMT -5
JMX and @smartkat, you will never know how much your words have soothed me. Thank you for listening and being there.
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Post by becca on Sept 16, 2016 15:52:41 GMT -5
Caris, I can hear your distress in your words. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I am hoping that it works out that you can remove yourself from the negative individual without uprooting and moving across the country. Especially since you have only recently moved. But I can also relate to wanting to just go and flee and get as far away from it as possible. My thoughts are with you and I hope you can find peace and resolution in all of this.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2016 16:01:35 GMT -5
I'm so sorry Caris. {{{hugs}}} |
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 16, 2016 16:19:57 GMT -5
I am so sorry you are hurting and agonizing over this.
Take the weekend to relax, focus on yourself, do something you enjoy even if it's eating something that you enjoy.
Sometimes the simplest thing can bring you happiness.
I will be thinking of you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs
Xoxo
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 16, 2016 16:56:35 GMT -5
caris, sorry you are going through such a rough time,and circumstances. It's never easy,and depression mounts. People tell you that such things build character, and make you stronger. Their is truth to that, except for when its happening, and then even bringing it up again is difficult.
Sounds like you have been giving, giving, again, and have run dry? Hopefully compassion, understanding, and giving will come to you in excess, and there will be no regrets in receiving what you deserve! That is my prayer for you!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 16, 2016 19:04:41 GMT -5
Sister - I'm sad to hear this of the new negativity from someone close. I'm sure you're right about PTSD - I think we all pick it up eventually through the SM treatment. Some studies have shown emotional abuse "goes deeper" in the damages because it is unseen and we don't know the damage it is doing until far too much damage has been done. Your 25 years of it is probably the longest-running exposure (at least, that I have picked up on here). Please be kind to yourself even when no one else will. Take a bath or enjoy a hot cup of tea with music you like or sit on a meditation pillow - whatever will help your heart feel one with the universe. I don't guess I can do much except send my loving vibes your way and keep you in my prayers - and I will do BOTH.
Thinking of you, Caris.
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Post by Caris on Sept 17, 2016 16:22:04 GMT -5
You have all been so supportive with your kind words. It not only means a lot to me, but it gives me strength and encouragement. You will never know how much strength your support has given me.
Thank you all very much. Hugs.
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Post by baza on Sept 19, 2016 0:52:04 GMT -5
Have been away over the weekend.
Just catching up.
Sorry to see you weren't travelling too well Sister C, hopefully things look a bit brighter today.
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It is a bugger when a bit of current / present ill treatment brings back a rush of feelings from past ill treatment.
It can make you feel like you've gone backwards.
(You have NOT gone backwards, but it sure can feel like you have)
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Suggestion
Sometimes it can be illuminating to have a look at ones posts from way back.
Invariably you see that today, in comparison to then, that you have actually made progress.
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Observation - about PTSD.
My counsellor reckoned I had a form of this from my ILIASM deal back in the day.
I thought she was full of shit and didn't pay much heed to her opinion (I figured PTSD was the province of some specific horrific event rather than the accumulative effects of a negative environment) but it turned out she knew way more about it than I did.
Might be worth exploring when you feel up for it.
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 19, 2016 2:07:48 GMT -5
I am sorry you are feeling so distressed. I know what it is like to just want to run away.
When you are feeling overwhelmed and tired, you feel like you are not able to deal with it all. But that is not true. You have managed to deal with so much before. You have taken great steps and you will go on improving your life, improving your health. Be nice to yourself and remember that this too will pass. Best wishes to you.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2016 7:53:34 GMT -5
I don't have any great suggestions for you, other than to keep on listening to your women's intuition, Caris. Sending positive, loving energy your way, gentle lady. Namaste. {{{ Caris}}} |
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Post by pinkjeanie70 on Sept 19, 2016 15:22:58 GMT -5
Hi Caris, I'm sorry to hear about your distress. I moved to a new city and state, too. It's a lot of work to adjust...the things we take for granted (shopping, salon services, favorite coffee shop). I didn't realize how much of a change it would be. Please be kind to yourself. Accomplishing the little things is really a big thing.
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