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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 14, 2016 7:45:40 GMT -5
cagedtiger , I suspect the challenge (perhaps of all rebounds) is not being myopic about just the things that were broken in the last relationship. ("W didn't give oral, new girlfriend does, therefore all is good!" Or, "OMG, she turned me down once - it's an omen that the relationship is doomed to sexlessness!") That thought has definitely crossed my mind... Which is why the last thing I'll be looking for is a relationship for a very long time- learned that lesson many, many years ago. Besides, after being starved, this tiger is probably going to want to feast on a bit of all the available game out there.  What's the words to one of my favorite songs? " Hold on loosely, but don't let go, if you cling to tightly, your gonna....loose control." Much of what. I have been reading gives warning of not giving your self adequate time to heal, to recover. This is a Life altering-event you're going through. Do not settle for a Quick fix. There are vultures out there waiting to attack wounded prey like ourselves. Take time to strengthen your self esteem and ambitions. Think a year for yourself. Two years for me. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 14, 2016 7:56:40 GMT -5
Oh it's going to be a long, long time before I even think about a serious, exclusive, monogamous relationship again. And I'm definitely planning on continuing therapy after whatever happens. As for avoiding women who share physical similarities, I'm already finding my head being turned the most by women who are pretty much polar opposites of my wife. Including hair color. |
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Post by nyartgal on Sept 14, 2016 15:06:47 GMT -5
I have pangs where I miss my ex's friendship---we had some great times together, terrific rapport. In fact just yesterday I was thinking that maybe we could be friends again some day, I know he wants that. He has some very winning qualities too. I was in love with him in a way I never will be again (thankfully, because I think a lot of the intensity came from chasing his affection, a reflection of our dysfunctional dynamic), and sometimes I miss that kind of crazy, super intense yearning. Now I'm remarried with two kids in a very functional, great relationship with someone who is diametrically opposed in every way from my ex. I still laugh about it regularly. Did I think I needed someone who was the exact opposite? No and I never would have sought it out. Just happened that way. Which shows you what I know. Not much! I didn't really "date" per se after we split. I had two short (and hot) affairs with men who lived out of town, so I knew there was no future. Then I met my husband who is 11 years younger and assumed there was no future with him (though I wanted one) and was completely wrong! Again, shows you what I know. In terms of how long you should wait, my therapist's opinion was that it depends on how long your marriage has been dead. Mine had been dead for years. There was no reason to wait. I separated in July and got together with my H in late October. Boom! Three months. Anything is possible. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2016 15:07:53 GMT -5
This is more superficial, but I am turned off by a man who has the same body type as my STBX. I. Just. Can't. Hm. I wonder what it says about me, then, that I felt very physically incompatible with a man recently whose body type was almost the opposite of my refuser's? The simplest explanation is usually the best: it could just mean that, as a small(ish) woman, I feel more comfortable with small-to-medium sized men, and I do not need a giant. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 14, 2016 15:40:02 GMT -5
I have pangs where I miss my ex's friendship---we had some great times together, terrific rapport. In fact just yesterday I was thinking that maybe we could be friends again some day, I know he wants that. He has some very winning qualities too. I was in love with him in a way I never will be again (thankfully, because I think a lot of the intensity came from chasing his affection, a reflection of our dysfunctional dynamic), and sometimes I miss that kind of crazy, super intense yearning. Now I'm remarried with two kids in a very functional, great relationship with someone who is diametrically opposed in every way from my ex. I still laugh about it regularly. Did I think I needed someone who was the exact opposite? No and I never would have sought it out. Just happened that way. Which shows you what I know. Not much! I didn't really "date" per se after we split. I had two short (and hot) affairs with men who lived out of town, so I knew there was no future. Then I met my husband who is 11 years younger and assumed there was no future with him (though I wanted one) and was completely wrong! Again, shows you what I know. In terms of how long you should wait, my therapist's opinion was that it depends on how long your marriage has been dead. Mine had been dead for years. There was no reason to wait. I separated in July and got together with my H in late October. Boom! Three months. Anything is possible. That was a beautiful read- I get so much hope every time I read about how your life has turned out. Thank you for continuing to share your stories.  It's interesting you mention the part about how long the marriage has been dead; I'm realizing more and more how very detached I've been for so long, and I think in a lot of ways i already mourned the death of the marriage months ago... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 14, 2016 15:57:09 GMT -5
"Oh look who knows so much, does that mean your marriage is only mostly dead, or barely alive?"
Yes, I know, "I'm very smart, now shut up!"
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 14, 2016 16:22:08 GMT -5
"Oh look who knows so much, does that mean your marriage is only mostly dead, or barely alive?" Yes, I know, "I'm very smart, now shut up!" I've already started going through the pockets... |
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 14, 2016 16:30:28 GMT -5
"Oh look who knows so much, does that mean your marriage is only mostly dead, or barely alive?" Yes, I know, "I'm very smart, now shut up!" ...and I'm ready and looking forward to storming some castles... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 14, 2016 17:12:06 GMT -5
"Oh look who knows so much, does that mean your marriage is only mostly dead, or barely alive?" Yes, I know, "I'm very smart, now shut up!" ...and I'm ready and looking forward to storming some castles... Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a great dread pirate Roberts! Some day you won't mind so much! |
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 14, 2016 17:21:44 GMT -5
...and I'm ready and looking forward to storming some castles... Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a great dread pirate Roberts! Some day you won't mind so much! A chance to plunder that booty? Count me in! |
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