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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 13, 2016 14:22:07 GMT -5
So I've not split yet, but this is something I'm curious about from those who have left their SM's and reentered the dating world.
I was talking to a friend last night about dating, and I came to the realization that when I get singled up and start dating again, I'm not going to be using my wife as a basis for comparison to any future girls I date. Will, not any positives anyway- I have exes who will fill those other things better.
Kind of a sad realization, but there it is. Is this normal with anybody else's experiences?
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 13, 2016 14:58:11 GMT -5
So I've not split yet, but this is something I'm curious about from those who have left their SM's and reentered the dating world. I was talking to a friend last night about dating, and I came to the realization that when I get singled up and start dating again, I'm not going to be using my wife as a basis for comparison to any future girls I date. Will, not any positives anyway- I have exes who will fill those other things better. Kind of a sad realization, but there it is. Is this normal with anybody else's experiences? I hadn't considered that Tiger.... Our next flings are gonna seem like gods and goddesses (hopefully!) in comparison! But, even in these relationships we have with our refusers, if you think hard enough, you'll find bits you still like about her and always will. We all will. He he drives me insane and has done some pretty awful shit, but I don't hate him. It's not even really as strong as dislike actually. He's just irritatingly there. Here but not present. Light are on nobody's home. The cage is open but the beast's asleep. I could go on here for a while haha. X |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2016 15:08:32 GMT -5
So I've not split yet, but this is something I'm curious about from those who have left their SM's and reentered the dating world. I was talking to a friend last night about dating, and I came to the realization that when I get singled up and start dating again, I'm not going to be using my wife as a basis for comparison to any future girls I date. Will, not any positives anyway- I have exes who will fill those other things better. Kind of a sad realization, but there it is. Is this normal with anybody else's experiences? Might your wife someone whose taught you the warning signs to look out for? She can still inform your dating, just in the area of what you DON'T want. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 13, 2016 15:14:14 GMT -5
So I've not split yet, but this is something I'm curious about from those who have left their SM's and reentered the dating world. I was talking to a friend last night about dating, and I came to the realization that when I get singled up and start dating again, I'm not going to be using my wife as a basis for comparison to any future girls I date. Will, not any positives anyway- I have exes who will fill those other things better. Kind of a sad realization, but there it is. Is this normal with anybody else's experiences? Might your wife someone whose taught you the warning signs to look out for? She can still inform your dating, just in the area of what you DON'T want. I'm pretty sure that's exactly what's going to happen... |
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 13, 2016 15:34:22 GMT -5
cagedtiger, I suspect the challenge (perhaps of all rebounds) is not being myopic about just the things that were broken in the last relationship. ("W didn't give oral, new girlfriend does, therefore all is good!" Or, "OMG, she turned me down once - it's an omen that the relationship is doomed to sexlessness!")
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 13, 2016 15:48:55 GMT -5
cagedtiger, I suspect the challenge (perhaps of all rebounds) is not being myopic about just the things that were broken in the last relationship. ("W didn't give oral, new girlfriend does, therefore all is good!" Or, "OMG, she turned me down once - it's an omen that the relationship is doomed to sexlessness!") That thought has definitely crossed my mind... Which is why the last thing I'll be looking for is a relationship for a very long time- learned that lesson many, many years ago. Besides, after being starved, this tiger is probably going to want to feast on a bit of all the available game out there.  |
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 13, 2016 16:00:28 GMT -5
I don't think twice about my ex except for noticing similarities with other men I meet. (Sort of what Helen said). Like a bad sense of direction, it's a turn off for me because I have a good sense of direction.
I made a list about 2 years ago of qualities I would want in a partner, I also think there is a natural process to dating that just happens and when you know you know. The key for me is - don't remarry and when they change its done.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 13, 2016 16:49:40 GMT -5
For me, there was phases - and I'm not really sure I qualify to answer, anyway (depends on the definition of entered the dating world).
From the Ex - I will be wary of being interrupted or not listened to, but will always look for a witty humor and smart brains. His "reliability factor" was through the roof but that is the basis of his inability to keep up with changing times, too - so, the knife cuts both ways on that. He is a planner - for me, that helps but it's not a requirement exactly.
From LoverMan - an Adonis body with an appetite to please - THIS, I hope to find again. But - he was entirely unavailable emotionally (it was hard to notice, well - it was easy enough to deny). His humor was great. A guy that can laugh will me while in the act and not miss a beat in the rhythm. Yes, I hope to find similar look with comparable skill set and a good to great sense of humor but who might care for me on an emotional a little bit (or a lot) more.
From real life - the guys I have crushes on currently do not fit these physical descriptions but I've not had a chance to interview on the skill set either. I assume that when I date, for real, the candidate will be selected for personality more than any of that "daydream" list above. What he may not already know, I'm more than willing to teach. ;-) The humor and enthusiasm for sex are foundational requirements. A connection in conversing/laughing.
I know some people who blame others for their troubles (this is EASY to pick up on in regular conversation) - they will not be considered. Maturity level - ie, responsible for self, understands they are responsible for their own happiness - that will matter a lot.
I don't think I'm looking for a long term relationship at first but if that happens, then so be it. I would kind of like a chance to play for a bit though. (But I don't usually know how to do that - like go from one date to another or have a host/list of three or more friends asking you out. That is - this has NEVER happened before and I don't understand the logistics of that, honestly)
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2016 22:11:16 GMT -5
Everybody's different. It's like if you went from being a NASCAR star to a F1 star. Yeah you bring some general knowledge with you but you're entering a totally different world. Comparison would be pointless.
Oh wait, you're from the Carolinas. See, over in Europe they race these cars that have wings on them through the woods...
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2016 22:15:41 GMT -5
eternaloptimism wrote: But, even in these relationships we have with our refusers, if you think hard enough, you'll find bits you still like about her and always will. We all will. ------- Like perhaps hair color, for example...
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Post by baza on Sept 13, 2016 23:01:40 GMT -5
I think it highly improbable that one walks away from a relationship without carrying a fair bit of baggage from it.
In fact, I think it is inevitable.
Manageable, but inevitable.
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One must be on guard not to make the present person in your life pay the price for the shortcomings of the previous person.
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Ms enna and I found the level of "unlearning" (of conditioned reactions with their origins from our pasts) quite intimidating initially.
But with each bit of individual unlearning on both our parts, the relationship leapt forward.
It's been 6.5 years now.
Lots of shit has been unlearned.
Lots of new stuff has been learned.
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I sometimes think - "yep, we've got it all sussed out now". Then something else will come up to learn, or unlearn.
I am in one of those phases right now actually, where I think everything is sweet. And it is.
But if history is anything to go by, there'll be something else to learn, or unlearn - or both - just around the corner.
It's interesting, it's challenging, it's rewarding.
It's a process.
In this case, a joint process.
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Post by TMD on Sept 13, 2016 23:19:44 GMT -5
This is more superficial, but I am turned off by a man who has the same body type as my STBX. I. Just. Can't.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 13, 2016 23:49:34 GMT -5
eternaloptimism wrote: But, even in these relationships we have with our refusers, if you think hard enough, you'll find bits you still like about her and always will. We all will. ------- Like perhaps hair color, for example... Ha ha. Yes. Like hair colour 😂 |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 13, 2016 23:52:00 GMT -5
This is more superficial, but I am turned off by a man who has the same body type as my STBX. I. Just. Can't. I get this! One of my outsources had a surgery scar EXACTLY the same as my refusers. Couldn't look. Put me off. Weird! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 14, 2016 7:38:33 GMT -5
This is more superficial, but I am turned off by a man who has the same body type as my STBX. I. Just. Can't. There is a positive side to that. When I go to the gym, church, grocery store, kids school, etc... Maybe, only two or three have the same body type as my STBX. Personality, values, attitude towards intimacy and sex, all yet to be discovered. THESE ARE THE VOYAGES OF THE SM. TO EXPLORE NEW WORLDS, TO SEAK OUT NEW LIFE, TO BOLDLY GO...... |
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