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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 10, 2016 9:51:49 GMT -5
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Post by ted on Sept 10, 2016 10:06:54 GMT -5
Did you mean to include a link?
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 10, 2016 10:08:55 GMT -5
Did you mean to include a link? Crap, it didn't paste! Thanks- fixed. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 10:30:34 GMT -5
2,3,5,6,7,10,11
And some others were a close call. I wish our first ever marriage counselor had handed us such a list (this was early enough in the relationship that we could have fixed it or ended it with little damage to either side.
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 10, 2016 10:34:23 GMT -5
2,3,5,6,7,10,11 And some others were a close call. I wish our first ever marriage counselor had handed us such a list (this was early enough in the relationship that we could have fixed it or ended it with little damage to either side. That's how I've felt ever since I read the post yesterday. |
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Post by smilin61 on Sept 10, 2016 12:29:11 GMT -5
Ouch. 8 out of 11... Thankfully older does equal wiser in my case. Painful lessons I don't want to repeat.  |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 10, 2016 12:45:52 GMT -5
Pretty solidly 1-9. Wow. But - the divorce has been final for about 6 months now. So, good, I guess?
Anyway this is an ON-target list, if you ask me.
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Post by itsjustus on Sept 10, 2016 15:27:28 GMT -5
Yep....these are them.
1. Can't Agree On Decisions - I wasn't involved in most day to day decisions (doesn't mean I agreed with them)
2. Always Compromising - Yep....always. Her way or no way.
3. Different Desires - I wanted intimacy, affection and sex - I'm here on this forum. Nuff said.....
4. Spouse, Beneath Them - I rarely, rarely did ANYTHING correctly.
5. Don't Communicate Well - Leave out the word "Well". Don't communicate.....at all.
6. Keep Score - 32 years worth of "elephant memory" of everything I'd done "wrong"
7. Don't Have Sex - See #3
8. Disinterested in His Feelings - I wasn't allowed to have them....so, yeah, general disinterest...
9. Rude Remarks/Sarcasm - Is calling someone an asshole and a Bastard a rude remark?
10. Exude Negativity - WINNER!!! Look under "Jaded" in the dictionary. Her pictures there.....
and finally......
11. Spend Most Time Outside Of Marriage - Given I nailed all previous 10.....can you blame me??
(BTW....the last paragraph..."Consider speaking with a therapist". I did. She told me to leave the marriage....
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 10, 2016 15:40:44 GMT -5
3,5,7,8,10,11 - add he was irresponsible- couldn't wake up in time, kids late to school, neglected everything including himself, gambling problem oh and sex was not important to him at least not with me.
There was nothing to agree upon regarding the household or the kids because I handled everything. He coached baseball, watched tv, ate and slept.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 10, 2016 15:57:37 GMT -5
Yep....these are them. 1. Can't Agree On Decisions - I wasn't involved in most day to day decisions (doesn't mean I agreed with them) 2. Always Compromising - Yep....always. Her way or no way. 3. Different Desires - I wanted intimacy, affection and sex - I'm here on this forum. Nuff said..... 4. Spouse, Beneath Them - I rarely, rarely did ANYTHING correctly. 5. Don't Communicate Well - Leave out the word "Well". Don't communicate.....at all. 6. Keep Score - 32 years worth of "elephant memory" of everything I'd done "wrong" 7. Don't Have Sex - See #3 8. Disinterested in His Feelings - I wasn't allowed to have them....so, yeah, general disinterest... 9. Rude Remarks/Sarcasm - Is calling someone an asshole and a Bastard a rude remark? 10. Exude Negativity - WINNER!!! Look under "Jaded" in the dictionary. Her pictures there..... and finally...... 11. Spend Most Time Outside Of Marriage - Given I nailed all previous 10.....can you blame me?? (BTW....the last paragraph..."Consider speaking with a therapist". I did. She told me to leave the marriage.... Your preaching to the choir! Does scoring 100% get you anything? |
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Post by itsjustus on Sept 10, 2016 16:02:10 GMT -5
Can I hear an AMEN greatcoastal?!? Scoring 100% gets you: Depression Blue Balls Low Self-esteem General sense of emptiness A feeling of hopelessness. On the plus side: A one-way ticket to a divorce Why doesn't getting a 100% make me feel like a winner?? Glad I graduated from taking these test's Damn. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 10, 2016 16:16:21 GMT -5
My controller just came home from taking one of our boys to a movie. The same person who is not leaving me enough funds for every day expenses. It's her night to make dinner for 7 people. She takes 3 days of leftovers out of the fridge. Places them on the messy kitchen counter, and announces," dinner is ready were having left overs." No idea if things are going to reheat well, be too chewy, if there will be nearly enough, no setting of the table." All these things I do the rest of the week for our family, and she used to do while working,and come home to me caring for 4 little toddlers in diapers". Already the arguments, questions, from the kids about what to eat are starting. She's plopped in front of the TV.
Good night for me to eat out after helping at church tonight.
Decisions, compromising, keeping score, different desires, spouse beneath them, disinterest, rude, negative, yeah, I can relate.
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Post by warmways on Sept 10, 2016 23:44:36 GMT -5
1). Can't Agree on Decisions - check. Whenever I suggest we sell the house and move in to a more affordable one, he just says No. Don't ask me again. Leased car with $600+ mo.payments .. suggest he stop leading cars and buy one. (See above for his answer). No.
2). Always compromising. - check. It's not worth his temper tantrum if I don't compromise. Now I don't care because someday I'll be gone.
3). Different desires. Check. He desires to stay inside 24/7 I'm pretty much an extrovert and want to be out and about.
4). Spouse beneath them. --- I actually feel like he sees me at his level.
5). Don't communicate well. -- Check. I'm with greatcoastal here. [take out the word, "well." He shuts me out.
6). Keep score -- we both actually don't do this --
7). Don't have sex. -- Uh, yeah. Check check check check check check:-[
8). Disinterested in his - her feelings. Check. Sometimes shows interest but in a removed unable to connect kind of way. More for show.
9). Rude remarks/sarcasm - actually doesn't show that but I never know what he's thinking and sometimes sense the below the surface anger.
10). Exude negativity. - Most of the time he is complaining about a physical ailment or doesn't want to talk, so it's kind of negative. Usually when I'm around him I feel energy draining negativity.
11). Spend most time outside the marriage - Check. He is a dismissive avoidant and stays in his cave. A few years ago I finally gave up hoping and waiting for him to change and spend time with my friends and hiking w/our dog and not thinking (as much), about him.
Thanks cagedtiger for this link and greatcoastal for copying all the divorce reasons.
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Post by baza on Sept 11, 2016 1:43:21 GMT -5
Personally, and back in the day, I could have checked the whole 11 boxes, at least to some degree.
And it wasn't all 'one way traffic' either.
As far as #6 - keeping score - I was the champion of that.
(having a very good memory is both a blessing and a curse).
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However, despite these 11 indicators being in play, it didn't prompt me to leave.
Well, not for a looong while at least.
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For me, I had to accumulate 'more' hurt to get to the trigger point, and that took several more wasted years to happen.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 11, 2016 7:19:39 GMT -5
Yeah. You don't even need the details!
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