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Post by angelonearth on Sept 6, 2016 17:47:27 GMT -5
I am 16 years in to a SM and have gone through the various phases (Wondering why he doesn't want sex, questioning him as if he would someday explain it to me, begging, pleading, feeling defective, therapy, waking up one day and realizing I am no longer interesting in him, suggesting open marriage, having a fwb). Over this time I've felt hurt by him, hated him, resented him, felt sorry for him and for a few years now felt nothing at all for him. I've framed it in my mind as a room mate relationship, brother/sister relationship and for a long while now a business relationship. The point is I am not in the "can this sexless marriage be saved" phase and haven't been for a few years. I barely know how to explain what I'm going through now. I am 55 years old and for the first time in my life seem to be unable to make a decision or take action. I seem to be in a rut of just staying another day out of habit. I used to daydream about leaving the marriage, enjoying my independence and maybe someday finding a man who was well suited for me. I don't know if it's my age (turning 55 was very depressing to me) but for some reason I feel unable to make a decision. The thought of dating doesn't sound exciting to me, I question if being independent would end up feeling lonely. My single friends tell me horror stories about dating and they say they are lonely and wish they were married. This is probably all over the map so I suppose my question is has anyone ever felt like I'm feeling now? I'm wondering if I'm just so used to my life the way it is that I can no longer envision in an excited way how much better my future could be or if I've reached an age where change feels like too much effort? If anyone can relate I would love any advice or insight.
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Post by wewbwb on Sept 6, 2016 17:56:33 GMT -5
Yes. I have felt this way. Many of us have.
#1, most likely isn't you.
Sad isn't it to think you are suffering because of it.
As for not being able to make a decision, I can understand that also.
Inertia may be part of it.
Fear may be part of it.
Obligation may be part if it.
But it's okay to feel like this.
Welcome.
Vent and rage as you need to.
We'll be here to listen and support.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 6, 2016 20:48:02 GMT -5
I am 16 years in to a SM and have gone through the various phases (Wondering why he doesn't want sex, questioning him as if he would someday explain it to me, begging, pleading, feeling defective, therapy, waking up one day and realizing I am no longer interesting in him, suggesting open marriage, having a fwb). Over this time I've felt hurt by him, hated him, resented him, felt sorry for him and for a few years now felt nothing at all for him. I've framed it in my mind as a room mate relationship, brother/sister relationship and for a long while now a business relationship. The point is I am not in the "can this sexless marriage be saved" phase and haven't been for a few years. I barely know how to explain what I'm going through now. I am 55 years old and for the first time in my life seem to be unable to make a decision or take action. I seem to be in a rut of just staying another day out of habit. I used to daydream about leaving the marriage, enjoying my independence and maybe someday finding a man who was well suited for me. I don't know if it's my age (turning 55 was very depressing to me) but for some reason I feel unable to make a decision. The thought of dating doesn't sound exciting to me, I question if being independent would end up feeling lonely. My single friends tell me horror stories about dating and they say they are lonely and wish they were married. This is probably all over the map so I suppose my question is has anyone ever felt like I'm feeling now? I'm wondering if I'm just so used to my life the way it is that I can no longer envision in an excited way how much better my future could be or if I've reached an age where change feels like too much effort? If anyone can relate I would love any advice or insight. Hi Angel, You and I are in almost the same identical situation. Last month was year 16 of my SM and I'm 57. (btw turning 55 was a dark day for me also) I have been in the exact same place as you have been in regards to feelings towards my roommate, Wifester, etc. You have come to a good, safe place, with folks who have walked the path that you are walking. We laugh, cry, receive and give hugs of support to each other and sometimes, we get a kick in the butt if we might need it. I finally joined because I couldn't take the pain by myself anymore and needed caring support that I cherish very much. Being on here as become a life saver for me.
I've learned from the wonderful folks on here how to deal with this on a daily basis. You probably won't be able to change your refusing husband, but if allow it, you can change yourself so that you will feel better each day, for the most part. We all still have our moments of doubt, sadness and anger with our stupid refusers.
BUT YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM! OUR REFUSERS ARE!.
I always wonder if I can ever have a loving, sexually fulfilling relation with a woman ever again. I hope that one day it may happen. But in the meantime my goal is to get through each day as best as I can, and I do depend on my friends here on ILIASM to help me do that. I check in several times a day, always first thing in the morning and last thing before I go to sleep at night. This group IS THE BEST GROUP OF PEOPLE YOU WILL EVER MEET!
Please take time to read through the many threads and posts and feel free to jump in anytime. We'd love to hear from you and look forward to becoming friends with you and enjoying the things that you can bring to us.
As they always say here "Welcome to the group that no one wants to be a member of" BUT THANK GOD FOR IT AND EACH MEMBER OF IT WHOM I CHERISH! It has probably kept me from doing something stupid and has improved my life personally.
HUGS!
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Post by unmatched on Sept 6, 2016 20:48:05 GMT -5
I know for myself if I keep suppressing my feelings over a long period of time, or even if I keep having negative feelings and not doing anything with them, I can get a little bit numbed. Like I can't quite find my centre anymore and I am not quite sure who I am and what I think about certain things. If you have gone through hurt, anger and resentment and now feel nothing at all for your husband, I wonder if that is what is happening here. If that rings true for you then if you start doing stuff that you love, that you feel passionate about, you might begin to find 'you' again. And once you do I think you will know what you want to do.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 6, 2016 22:01:11 GMT -5
I know for myself if I keep suppressing my feelings over a long period of time, or even if I keep having negative feelings and not doing anything with them, I can get a little bit numbed. Like I can't quite find my centre anymore and I am not quite sure who I am and what I think about certain things. If you have gone through hurt, anger and resentment and now feel nothing at all for your husband, I wonder if that is what is happening here. If that rings true for you then if you start doing stuff that you love, that you feel passionate about, you might begin to find 'you' again. And once you do I think you will know what you want to do. Is this you unmatched ? |
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Post by baza on Sept 6, 2016 22:50:16 GMT -5
Quoting your here "...and for the first time in my life seem to be unable to make a decision or take action..."
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The thing is, that if you try and adopt a position of "not making a choice" you have actually made a choice. You have chosen the status quo.
You may well have made this choice passively, accidentally, by default or call it what you will, but you HAVE chosen, whether you like it or not.
You are staying in your ILIASM shithole just as certainly as if you had made a fully infornmed deliberate choice to do so.
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You don't get a pass on choice. No-one does.
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If you are of a mind, it is perfectly reasonable thing to revisit ones choice (particularly if the outcome of the choice has resulted in adverse consequences) and choose again.
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In this respect, you need some better information, for example -
- legal advice so you know how a divorce would shake out for you theoretically
- an exit strategy so you have a plan - theoretically - of how you'd run your life as a single
- support network who could help you through such a - theoretical - scenario
- information to help manage kids (if any) transition through such a - theoretical - event.
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Such information would put you in a position of making a *fully informed* choice - as opposed to just floating along with the status quo.
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You may choose to continue in your ILIASM shithole, that is a perfectly valid choice to make.
You might choose to get out of your ILIASM shithole. That too is a perfectly valid choice.
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But either way, you are best served to make a deliberate, conscious, sober, fully informed CHOICE about what you are going to do, and take full ownership of that choice and the consequences that ensue from it.
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It moves you from a *victim* position, in to a position of ownership, and that is a strong and solid base to work from, as opposed to just floating along with the status quo.
All floating along with the status quo does is burn daylight.
And your story reads like you've burned plenty of daylight already.
It is NOT obligatory that you burn anymore of this precious commodity.
It's a choice.
And it's YOUR choice Sister angelonearth.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2016 23:24:37 GMT -5
I'm not sure that I have any sage advice, but I've certainly been in your shoes. The last three years of my marriage were this odd kind of floating along (I went through all the same stages you did). I was unhappy, but felt hopeless about being able to change anything. I was too afraid to leave because of children and finances and so I just somehow managed to stay even though I felt completely emotionally disconnected from my husband. I felt like I was living this weird, grayed out version of my life but couldn't seem to shift.
For me, there were a number of things that all happened within a short period of time that got me moving. Oddly enough, one of the first of those things was utterly giving up on my marriage. It still took several months of writing and reading posts here for me to actually get out, but I still remember that feeling that I was coming out of a fog. I started doing more things with my friends, spending time on things I enjoyed - those things helped bring me back to life, too.
I don't know if any of this even makes sense. Normally I'm pretty articulate and if I can't say something well, I generally just leave it for someone else to step up and say, but I kept returning over and over again to your post. So I decided to try. If it helps, I've been there and now I'm out (almost) and sometimes my life new is scary as hell, but most of the time it feels really good to be making my own life and not living in a state of dull misery.
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Post by lwoetin on Sept 6, 2016 23:29:08 GMT -5
So angels like black kitties? I like your profile pic. And I like how you express yourself. I have no clue what is wrong with you. Maybe you need larger, fluffier wings like the Victoria Secrets models? Anyways, welcome.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 7, 2016 7:00:38 GMT -5
So angels like black kitties? Maybe the cat just photobombed her avatar. |
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Post by iceman on Sept 7, 2016 9:18:36 GMT -5
Hi. I feel the same way. I'm 56. Been married 19 years. The last 5 have been what I would call sexless but before that things weren't good, completely unsatisfactory for me. I've gone from wondering what's wrong with me and trying to find a way for my wife to want me to anger and resentment to indifference. I no longer have romantic or sexual feelings towards her in any way. We just exist together. I've thought about divorce but it's a huge step. 56 is pretty old to start over. I know what you mean about contemplating the perils of dating again. I wasn't very good at it when I was younger. I can't imagine I've gotten better with age. I see guys my age or older that seem so lonely, pathetic really. I don't want to end up like them. At this point I would just like to exist with my kids. They are in high school. I can't say I have any interest in a serious relationship. I feel too scarred for that. Somebody to have sex with on a more or less regular basis would be nice. I wouldn't want it to be too sleezy but it would need to be casual. The idea of engaging in a long term serious relationship is pretty scary for me. I feel like my brain has been rewired from this experience and made me afraid to have another relationship. I want to feel close to somebody again and fall in love but I really don't know if I'm still capable of that. I feel stuck as well. I keep telling myself to hold out until the kids are away but I really don't know if I can pull the trigger then and leave. I fear I'm going to end up just existing this way until one of us die and that scares the crap out of me as well. I know it would be better to break things off now. It would give both of us time to recover, emotionally and financially, to be able start over but here I sit as the days roll by.
I'm sorry that I don't have any real insight or advice to give. I guess the only advice I would give to somebody is to be very careful when choosing your mate to avoid ending up in this situation. Much easier said than done and that boat has sailed long ago for me. Know you're not alone in your situation. Most of us here are in some variation of your situation. Hopefully that will give some comfort. It does for me. It's sort of a club I'd never want to join but am glad I found it. Take care.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 7, 2016 9:57:23 GMT -5
angelonearth - there is nothing wrong with you. The phases you've described are entirely "normal" in a dysfunctional relationship. However - read up on this forum and hopefully you will find the way to decide what YOU want to do about it. I hope you'll find what you need here - fellowship, commisery, laughs. It's a great place to vent but also has very good, solid guidance on options. You do have options!
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Post by becca on Sept 11, 2016 8:29:34 GMT -5
Quoting your here "...and for the first time in my life seem to be unable to make a decision or take action..." It moves you from a *victim* position, in to a position of ownership, and that is a strong and solid base to work from, as opposed to just floating along with the status quo. All floating along with the status quo does is burn daylight. And your story reads like you've burned plenty of daylight already. It is NOT obligatory that you burn anymore of this precious commodity. It's a choice. And it's YOUR choice Sister angelonearth. Thank you for the valuable information in your post. I am in a similar situation as angelonearth and I needed to hear that today. The "status quo" is sucking the energy out of my soul. |
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Post by ggold on Sept 12, 2016 21:56:48 GMT -5
I am 16 years in to a SM and have gone through the various phases (Wondering why he doesn't want sex, questioning him as if he would someday explain it to me, begging, pleading, feeling defective, therapy, waking up one day and realizing I am no longer interesting in him, suggesting open marriage, having a fwb). Over this time I've felt hurt by him, hated him, resented him, felt sorry for him and for a few years now felt nothing at all for him. I've framed it in my mind as a room mate relationship, brother/sister relationship and for a long while now a business relationship. The point is I am not in the "can this sexless marriage be saved" phase and haven't been for a few years. I barely know how to explain what I'm going through now. I am 55 years old and for the first time in my life seem to be unable to make a decision or take action. I seem to be in a rut of just staying another day out of habit. I used to daydream about leaving the marriage, enjoying my independence and maybe someday finding a man who was well suited for me. I don't know if it's my age (turning 55 was very depressing to me) but for some reason I feel unable to make a decision. The thought of dating doesn't sound exciting to me, I question if being independent would end up feeling lonely. My single friends tell me horror stories about dating and they say they are lonely and wish they were married. This is probably all over the map so I suppose my question is has anyone ever felt like I'm feeling now? I'm wondering if I'm just so used to my life the way it is that I can no longer envision in an excited way how much better my future could be or if I've reached an age where change feels like too much effort? If anyone can relate I would love any advice or insight. ((Hugs)) It's so, so hard living this way. I feel for you. Oct. 3rd will be my 23rd Anniversary. Ten years in a SM. Most of the marriage, sexually unfulfilling. I'll be 48 in Oct. as well. The thought of heading towards 50 and still living this way frightens the hell out of me. I have three young children and am afraid to be on my own. Yet, I know I cannot stay. There is life to live. I am sending vibes to the universe that one day I will find a partner who will connect with me on all levels. I cannot give up. As difficult as it's going to be, I have to exit this marriage. I've been working with my therapist and she tells me I will know when the time is right. I do know the time is coming. When, I'm unsure. I'm still gathering courage and hoping that my husband will truly face the reality that our marriage is over. I think I am waiting for him to work through some of his issues in his own therapy. Give him a little more time. Change is scary but it can be positive. I've read that when you are most resistant to change is when change is the most necessary. You will know in your heart what you need to do and when. We are all here to support you! G |
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