Hopefully someone understands

Sorry to hear the state of things, Robert. You have found the right place. We term the state of such a relationship a true ILIASM shithole. You will find dissertation on Why Chasing (waste of time), Counter Refusal, and other pertinent topics in these forum sections. Some members have left their ILIASM shitholes - we say those guys have reached Opposite Land.
The refuser partner does not seem to understand (or perhaps does not care) the depth of emotional abuse their treatment puts onto us, the refused. (Technically - I'm one who has left my SM but not found a suitable next mate - don't know that means I'm completely in Opposite Land or not yet).
You'll see that almost everyone's story on the forum tends to have more in common than not. Even though our details can vary widely (kids or no; behavior was a bait & switch from the start or changed later; causes may be medical or self-image or other).
Anyway - to make an informed decision on "what to do about this" you need to start from accepting that you cannot change another person. This is a fact. The other person can change themselves - but only if they want to. Given that she won't go back to therapy with you, I'm not sure about her desire to make any changes. Likely, she has the relationship with you that she wants to have.
And - check out how a divorce may shake out for you in your jurisdiction - consider that a fact-finding mission, not a plan of action. After you've met with a lawyer, then you will know, roughly, what sort of alimony, visitation/custody, etc issues you may or may not face. Then consider it.
Before any sharing of info with your refuser about "maybe considering divorce" it is best to do this recon work on your own so you are armed with the knowledge well before bringing anything like that into open conversations with her.
And - welcome to the group no one wanted to be a member of. SMs can suck the life right out of a person.
I wish you well navigating your choice-making!
(PS - we also have fun and joke a lot, btw - so check out the Lighter Side topic and/or the Sexually Speaking section as well. We are all regular people trapped in very irregular deals, but we are a GOOD group of folks!)

It is not a shame. Also you think you are attractive so you are not short on confidence. I think it is important to find out if your wife loves you because that is what will save your marriage. If I found that my wife does not, I would eventually let go. It takes effort from both partners. Good luck.

If your immediate aim is to find people who "get it" then you have succeeded in that mission.
You are here (tick) and everyone here "get's it" (tick).
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Now, the questions (and answers) start getting harder.
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Do you have another aim to aspire to ? or is just being here with people who get it enough for you ?

Well heya Robert, sorry to see you here, but come on in .....

Many words of wisdom from GeekGoddess and DryCreek which leaves very little to add.

Two things in your introduction stuck out:
- the wife didn't want to go back to the therapist "because she took your side". This is
very very bad news for you. It signifies that your wife went with an adversarial attitude
rather than a constructive one; she didn't go to work on a solution, she wanted to be
vindicated and told that she's right and you're wrong. When she heard the opposite, hell, it was
not even openly critical of her, all the therapist asked is if she (wife) heard what you were saying,
and the shutters came down.
Robert, I don't fancy your chances at a positive outcome here. Seems to me she is where she wants to be,
and she won't even let anyone question her about that, never mind change her mind (which only she can do,
and only if she genuinely wants to). "I don't want to hear what my partner is saying and if anyone asks
me if I heard I take that as a hostile act" is not a healthy attitude regarding a partnership.
Au contraire, my dear Watson.

- you feel that you're walking around with a big hole of pain in your chest, filled with a dull ache.
Oh boy, that is familiar: I was like that towards the end of my first marriage. I got to the point
where I could not even talk to her any more because I was afraid I'd bray like a donkey from pain.
It is not good. This will make you sick if you don't take care of business. You may end up harming
yourself to be rid of the pain, it's just no good. And business here, in my opinion,
is to create a situation for yourself where you are not a passive subject to that pain any more.

The quick fix is: change your expectations. Change the way you see this woman who pretends at being your
wife. Wipe the muck out of your eyes and look clearly at the situation and realize that you will not get
love from her, not get intimacy from her, not get touch or affection from her (never mind sex, that's an
also-ran in this context, at least in my world). Don't expect the impossible and it won't hurt you so much
day by day that you're not getting it.
But that won't solve the long term prospects, because there will always be the pain of betrayal and lost
hope. I guess you'll have to work out how you see the rest of your
life shaping up: stuck in a painful, loveless situation, or ..... ?

Incidentally: in this situation HOPE is your worst enemy. The best strategy is to look at what is actually
happening in real life. Hoping that Father Christmas will make it all right is going to be a vain hope.
Nothing will happen unless you make it happen - that is group knowledge crystallized out of years of
Experience Project contributions.

best, -P.