Hide the Sausage!

A very profane way of asking.....especially given the state of your relationship....

Exactly! After all this time now he comes around with this. 

I like your answer - straight forward and to the point.

Tell him where he is concerned the taco shop is closed!!

Funny!! And I get your point!! I can't resist saying and I'm strictly dickly but I love clams and oysters and I eat them raw!! They actually look so yum to me!! I'm a foodie though so I don't think any of it seems unattractive.

Not a seafood guy.... I'll stick to the clams in the analogy....

I have been meaning to post on your other thread about how you feel repulsed. I have to say, I can relate. I can relate a ton.

I was in your shoes about a year ago. I was so angry with my wife that I didn't even want her touching me. She offered sex up regularly once I finally reached my limit and snapped. Yet, once I snapped I lost all desire for her. It seems to be a regularly encountered catch 22 in these SM situations. I've posted about it in EP and I may even have posted about it here. I don't remember.

I know your anger and disappointment. I know it so very well. For me, I have recently found myself kind of getting over the anger and repulsive feelings though. It took me a long time. It took a LOT of sex from her on a regular basis too in order for me to feel as though this wasn't just a reset. I kind of pushed through the repulsive feelings and did the deed. Mostly I was doing it to prove to myself that she wouldn't be able to sustain the effort and then I'd feel guilt free when I left. Well, surpisingly, she's still sustaining it. It's been over a year. It's not perfect but she's holding her end of the bargain within reason. So, I guess my story shows that the repulsive feelings and anger can go away in time if your partner can prove to you that they are planning on making true changes.

I realize too that it may be like comparing apples to oranges with the gender differences here between our stories. It seems as though "getting in the mood" is more complicated for women than it is for men. It may be more difficult to be a woman and feeling that repulsive stuff towards your partner. I was able to just go through with it because I was so desperately in need of the release. It wasn't a loving gesture by me. It was practical and utilitarian. I felt better physically afterward but emotionally I was still in a major rut and extremely skeptical about her genuine desires.

These days, it's more loving from my side of things. It seems genuine from her side of things (usually). It's not just something I do to get off anymore. It took time to get to this emotional state of mind. It took a lot of patience on my wife's part too because, in all honesty, she was trying like hell ...and i was resisting as much as i could. Her attempts turned me off to a large degree. ...but they were attempts ...and that was at least positive progress.

It very well may be a reset for me. I'm not sure. Thing is, we've been sexually active to a rather reasonable degree for over a year. So part of me wonders if this isn't quite a reset. That has kind of helped me drop some of the repulsive feelings and some of the anger. The good thing is that even if this ends up being a very long reset, she knows whats at stake now. I know what I will accept. She knows what I'll accept. If things go south, I can leave with my head held high with the knowledge that I gave her an honest chance. That's worth a lot to me. I'm glad I worked through the repulsive feelings just for that alone. It may have saved me a lot of future regret. Sorry I'm talking mostly about myself. I'm just hoping my story will give some encouragement...

Do you write in a journal? If not, I'd highly recommend starting right now. Get these feelings out on paper so you can refer to them later. Don't hold back and keep the journal in a safe place. I bring it up because I was just reading an entry the other day that was a year old to the day. I was angry a year ago. VERY angry. Frighteningly angry. Today though? It's like night and day. I'm not angry anymore. It's not that I don't still worry about the future of my marriage or feel it's hopeless some days, but it's more like I have accepted the state it's in and feel ok with the idea of it ending if that is where it leads. In a way, I think I've already grieved the end of my marriage. I went through all the stages of grief. I bounced around the stages like crazy. Then, in time, I simply felt like I had a slight bit of peace about it. I don't necessarily WANT my marriage to end, but if it does, I may have already done a lot of the grieving that needs done.

That's my story so far. Yours may unfold much differently. I do know this though, if my wife hadn't of started trying, I'd be working through a divorce as we speak. If I wouldn't have given her a chance, I'd be working through a divorce as we speak. I didn't want to give her a chance. I didn't want to stay. I'm glad I did though.... at least for the time being. Sexless marriages may possibly be impossible to fix. That appears to be the stance here and it also was the stance in the old EP group. The jury is still out on mine. It's still hanging on though. If it doesn't work out, I will at least have the peace of mind that I ttuly tried and saw first hand that it truly was a lost cause. Plus, I have learned more about myself and relationships over the past year than I have my entire life. I'm glad I learned those lessons. It wasn't easy to learn those lessons but I'm glad I did. I found out my role in the situation and that was rough. Now that I know where my contribution lies, I can work on it and apply what I've learned to the next relationship if a divorce happens. That way I won't have a repeat SM. *fingers crossed*

So, I guess I'm trying to help you gather the strength to keep fighting the good fight. It was a shitty attempt on his part and you are (rightfully so) hurting very badly already. So I totally know how you feel. Totally. It sucks, I know. The good news is that he at least is showing SOME interest in regards to trying. That's good news. Would it be a reset? Maybe. ...maybe not. None of us know for sure. Unfortunately you may have to just see where it leads. It's kind of like gathering data. That's how I approached it. I didn't want to work on my marriage. I was done. People urged me to keep trying and I hated them for that. The only way I could get myself to try was to change my perspective. I took on the role of a Sherlock Holmes or a scientist type. I gathered data. I tried new things. I experimented with approaches. It got me through the anger and distrust enough to move forward emotionally. As time passed, things went up and down. Sometimes it was 2 steps forward, 1 step back. We're in a good place now though. For the most part.

I really truly hope it gets better for you. Hang in there! We're all here to help you through the process and give you advice anytime you need it.

Too little too late.