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Closure
Aug 30, 2016 16:24:05 GMT -5
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 30, 2016 16:24:05 GMT -5
The " why did I let this happen" question, or " why am I so bad, I am to blame for everything", if told to the correct therapist, will listen to you. What a feeling to have someone actually listen to you and not correct you. This leads to the eventual conclusion of " it is not your fault, your spouse has serious, serious issues". A good reason to go to therapy for your self. Actually - no, I don't agree with this in it's entirety. The "correct" therapist shouldn't focus on the "others" fault, but on YOUR role in the situation. And yes, we ALWAYS have a role in the situation - even if it's just us allowing it to happen. (example: Did we wait too long to express ourselves? Did we let the issue "build up" from something minor? Did we let a miscommunication happen? Did we withhold, trying to protect ourselves? Did we fear rejection or disapproval?) Yes the "partner" may indeed have serious issues - but the therapist shouldn't blame them or try to "diagnose" them. That isn't their place. They should focus on what YOU can do better and try to give you the tools to do it. So when your abuser claims " it's your fault for letting your nose get in the way of my fist" it's still your fault for allowing it to happen. I guess you can see it that way, even with the knowledge the police are going to throw you in jail, you are going to loose your job, get a criminal record, loose your children, get hurt worse or killed for defending yourself, loose your money, your credit. Still your fault for being " love bombed" and manipulated to believe something you have been trained to do since you were a kid. i can say personally, one of the best tools I have been given to better help myself, was hearing the words, " your spouse gave zero effort to fix things, you went above and beyond." |
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Closure
Aug 30, 2016 16:49:01 GMT -5
Post by wewbwb on Aug 30, 2016 16:49:01 GMT -5
greatcoastal - please do not misunderstand what I am saying. (I just found out Mercury is in retrograde and supposedly communication gets messed up. Now normally I wouldn't believe should nonsense but this is the 4th time today so....) I am NOT defending physical abuse. Ever. By anyone. Period. We can continue this topic with less emotion if you'd like.
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Post by unmatched on Aug 30, 2016 17:09:26 GMT -5
greatcoastal I think anyone can find their nose in front of somebody's fist. Once, or twice, or even a few times. But when you are still there 5 or 10 years later you have to ask yourself why. That is the value of therapy for us. To understand ourselves and why we behaved the way we did. Otherwise there is every chance of repeating the same cycle while we think we are trying to do something different.
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Closure
Aug 30, 2016 17:17:28 GMT -5
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 30, 2016 17:17:28 GMT -5
greatcoastal - please do not misunderstand what I am saying. (I just found out Mercury is in retrograde and supposedly communication gets messed up. Now normally I wouldn't believe should nonsense but this is the 4th time today so....) I am NOT defending physical abuse. Ever. By anyone. Period. We can continue this topic with less emotion if you'd like. I would like to know what your thoughts are about the article I posted earlier here on this thread ( I need a therapist). Get ready to give me a bit of leniency as I go through my divorce in the next couple of months. I feel a great period of change, and development in my behavior as I go through this process. Don't know how better to say that. i am off to my Divorce Recovery Group. There are others there, staying in battered woman shelters, who have stories far more complicated than mine. Being on here for 9 months I feel more like a councilor, than just a participant while I am there. Another fine line to walk as I go into this. Peace. |
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Closure
Aug 30, 2016 17:57:07 GMT -5
Post by wewbwb on Aug 30, 2016 17:57:07 GMT -5
A good therapist is valuable. They can and do help. However, please don't pretend that there aren't two sides to every story.
The only issue in the article is that it presents only one side. I'm to believe that the partner was wrong every single time? The partner never had a valid point?
The article never goes into what tools the man was given, to change himself for the better.
My only point is this. We are all flawed. All of us. Myself and the Frigidaire. Is it my fault? Not all of it. Is it all hers? Not all of it, no.
Can i be lazy at times? Yes.
Can i be so lost in my thoughts that I forget things? Everyday it happens.
So is she right to get mad at that? Sure. I'll take that criticism. It's true.
Should she be mad a day later? No, she shouldn't be. It's over and let's move forward. As a team.
So what's left?
Compromise, communication, understanding, forgiveness. In a nutshell, love.
But what happens when one partner is doing it all?
Explosions.
What happens when one partner FEELS like they are are doing it all?
Explosions.
Did he learn how to stop that from happening again?
Doesn't say.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 31, 2016 2:10:23 GMT -5
Agreed. We always have a role, even if that role is just being there and not leaving sooner. For the sake of self-improvement, it's valuable to understand why a bad situation developed to the point that it did (were we too patient, too tolerant, oblivious?) and why we didn't take stronger action sooner. We may have done everything right: we saw it developing, we took action early, it didn't get resolved, so we escaped - proper reaction doesn't mean bad things won't happen. But analysis also identifies red flags that can avoid the next experience altogether. Or at least put you on alert to nip problems in their infancy, not after they've grown into a fire-breathing dragon. This was an article I read today, it better states my case hope it is helpful. shrink4men.com/2010/12/16/shes-the-crazy-one-why-do-i-need-therapy-recovering-from-a-relationship-with-an-abusive-woman/Hi, GC. I get your point, and didn't mean to suggest I disagreed. Certainly when your spouse has been gaslighting you, or at minimum reinforcing a falsehood that places the blame on you, it's very valuable to get a trusted assessment that she's off her rocker and that your perspective is not as warped as she's led you to believe. That's important not only for your own self esteem, but also so you don't waste energy trying to fix parts of you that aren't broken. Coming at this from an abstract, industrial, "root-cause analysis" perspective, the value is in getting the facts straight (per your point), identifying what went wrong, why it went wrong, how to prevent it from happening again, and how to react swiftly if it happens again. In the process, it becomes apparent who the culprit is. Cheers, DC |
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