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Post by wewbwb on Aug 26, 2016 11:54:47 GMT -5
My nephew is on a slippery slope.
At 27 yo, he was been dating a girl of 25, for a year and a half.
They are having SM issues already in the relationship.
She wants to get married and have kids.
He is actually entertaining the idea.
I have tried to explain to him, without "preaching", that whatever his decision is, he needs to be prepared to deal with it for the foreseeable future.
I know that if I tell him to "cut and run" - he'll think I'm trying to "control" his decisions.
Has anyone else seen the future being played out like this?
How do I get him to really think about what he is getting into?
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Post by misssunnybunny on Aug 26, 2016 12:30:24 GMT -5
That is a tough one.
I had a friend who was with a guy who was a total dick, and even on her wedding day I told her it wasn't too late to back out of it. She went through with the marriage. The behaviors he showed while they were dating got worse after they got married, and roughly a couple of years later she left, and eventually they got divorced.
Point of this story is, we can see the issues from the outside and give as much advice as we can, being as straightforward as we can, and people will still do what they choose to do.
I want to say to have him visit this site and read, but that would make it possible he figures out you are here.....
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 26, 2016 12:56:20 GMT -5
How much time have you got, on a daily basis to help this man? If you knew an older person who he respects, other than a relative, that could be a mentor for him, that could help. Would he read some articles? Better chance than recommending books. You could send text to someone else and have them send it to him. This keeps you behind the scenes.
Someone who can say," I've been in your shoes before".
Thanks for having the heart to want to help someone else!
Your a good man Charlie Brown!
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 26, 2016 13:07:18 GMT -5
Your* a good man Charlie Brown! *You're ( @andie ) Also I've always seen myself more as "Calvin" from "Calvin and Hobbes" But I get your point. |
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 26, 2016 13:10:45 GMT -5
How much time have you got, on a daily basis to help this man? If you knew an older person who he respects, other than a relative, that could be a mentor for him, that could help. Would he read some articles? Better chance than recommending books. You could send text to someone else and have them send it to him. This keeps you behind the scenes. Someone who can say," I've been in your shoes before". Thanks for having the heart to want to help someone else! Your a good man Charlie Brown! I don't know. I know that at 27 I wasn't really listening to anyone else about my relationship because "they didn't understand" I do not know anyone who can be a "mentor" to him - that he would listen to. Not to say that no one in his life is like that - I just don't know about them. As for my time? I'd make as much time as needed to help keep him away from the mistakes I made. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 26, 2016 13:29:26 GMT -5
Don't know how connected you are with your relative, but you may be in a " win, win" situation. Put your foot in the water by sharing a story. Give him tough love advice. This is a life changing event! He is in a loose loose situation. How many of us would still like to have a mentor right now? Your loss is less than his.
I've called the law a time or two on some of the teens in our neighborhood.knowing one day when there as old as dirt like me, they will say, " thank you Great Coastal, you were right".
Just my two cents.
Yea, my spell in' , well I got me a edumacation at the county skooool!
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Post by baza on Aug 26, 2016 16:49:25 GMT -5
This reads like you said your piece to your nephew Brother wewbwb.
And good on you for doing that.
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What he does now is entirely his choice.
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If he brings the subject up again, you might get another bite of the cherry to re-affirm your thoughts to him.
But most likely, he is going to do exactly what he wants to do, irrespective of what you - or anyone else - might say.
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Back in 2011 I had a call from my nephew (on my ex missus side) and the subject of his relationship at that time came up. We went out for a few beers, and the conversation ended up being about my split from his Aunty. And also about having a few laughs and talking about all sorts of shit.
About a month later, I ran in to him at the football and he told me he had ended that relationship.
He mentioned that he had found our discussion quite helpful.
Thing is, I don't recall giving him any advice at all in that conversation.
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Suggestion.
If your nephew broaches the subject again, engage him. But let him run the conversation.
If he doesn't broach the subject again, let it be.
Just "be there" for him when it all turns to shit further down the track.
You can't make his choices for him.
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 26, 2016 17:06:19 GMT -5
That is part of the issue. So many people in his family (well, I guess it's my family also - although I will only admit it under oath)want to make his decisions that he may not understand that I DON"T want to. After all:  So I'm not willing to throw stones. Well actually I am. I know a lot of people who should be hit with rocks. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2016 17:10:40 GMT -5
My nephew is on a slippery slope. At 27 yo, he was been dating a girl of 25, for a year and a half. They are having SM issues already in the relationship. She wants to get married and have kids. He is actually entertaining the idea. I have tried to explain to him, without "preaching", that whatever his decision is, he needs to be prepared to deal with it for the foreseeable future. I know that if I tell him to "cut and run" - he'll think I'm trying to "control" his decisions. Has anyone else seen the future being played out like this? How do I get him to really think about what he is getting into? All you can do is offer your hard won wisdom. Only he can decide to listen. He may have to learn the hard way. |
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Post by unmatched on Aug 27, 2016 10:24:56 GMT -5
I don't know if you are willing to do this, but I suspect the most powerful thing you could do is not to give him any advice at all, but to share your own history in as much detail as possible. And maybe the stories of some other people from here. And maybe quote baz's favourite statistic on the chance of turning round a marriage that goes sm.
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Post by pfviento on Aug 27, 2016 12:43:05 GMT -5
My nephew is on a slippery slope. At 27 yo, he was been dating a girl of 25, for a year and a half. They are having SM issues already in the relationship. She wants to get married and have kids. He is actually entertaining the idea. I have tried to explain to him, without "preaching", that whatever his decision is, he needs to be prepared to deal with it for the foreseeable future. I know that if I tell him to "cut and run" - he'll think I'm trying to "control" his decisions. Has anyone else seen the future being played out like this? How do I get him to really think about what he is getting into? You can assure him kids will not improve the SM issues. Not much you can do except give him advice. If he chooses to ignore it ... well you did your part. |
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 27, 2016 16:42:51 GMT -5
I know. I got the feeling from talking to him he thinks this is just a "bump in the road"
oh well.
I hate to see it happening.
And I can see it a mile away....
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Post by pfviento on Aug 28, 2016 10:34:32 GMT -5
I know. I got the feeling from talking to him he thinks this is just a "bump in the road" oh well. I hate to see it happening. And I can see it a mile away.... It's always hard to watch somebody that might be on a course for disaster that won't heed warnings. One stint of directing traffic was all I needed to realize some people just won't read the signs or follow directions no matter how big the sign is or how bright the light is. At times all you can do is help them deal with the aftermath or be available when they are ready to try a different course. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Aug 29, 2016 19:08:57 GMT -5
We see the future.
My beautiful little 20 year old niece is pregnant by her drug counselor who is 25. Her father, my brother died when she was 12 and she has made one bad decision after another. She's looking for someone to take care of her.
She is living with the baby daddy but he hasn't touched her since she became pregnant. She is miserably unhappy, but thankfully there is no talk of marriage, and hopefully she will be mature enough to leave him after the birth.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 29, 2016 19:23:47 GMT -5
Rhapsodee, that 'counselor' should be turned in to whatever professional body has endorsed him. That's a classically verboten move to develop a personal relationship with a 'patient/mentee' who is presumably in a compromised position and for whom he is positioned as an authority figure. (Though I would also question the wisdom of pairing a 25 year old counselor with a 20 year old subject.) But yeah... Some train wrecks you can see coming from miles away, and the participants have zero interest in learning from your hard-won experience.
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