Books I tried....

Thanks Butterfly. I will check this book out.

Here's one. Even though it's about people who have affairs, the author has some good exercises in book to help you identify if the relationship is salvageable.

"When Good People Have Affairs," Mira Kirshenbaum

I haven't read much that really tackles a sexless marriage. Somebody, somewhere must have a burning desire to write about it, and help those floundering. 

Stigma, perhaps? 

Or because an SM is usually a sign of other issues that have already been addressed by The Psychologists.  

Gottman must have some insight on this topic. Know the group has just published a new book: "the Man's Guide to Women." It's obviously lopsided. We women probably need the woman's guide to the guys. Where is the EASY button?

"This isn’t a how-to guide for getting women into bed. The goal of this book is to help men succeed with women for a lifetime. Research studies show that men who are in a happy, healthy relationship make more money, have more sex, live longer, suffer less chronic illness, and show less cognitive impairment in their later years."

I agree with you - most self help books, bloggers, speakers, and Youtubers just make me angry - mostly because of how little they understand and lump people into generalities that I don't fit into.  Just my rant.

Our counsellor suggested we read a book called Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. This is basically an explanation of EFT (emotion focused therapy). It is interesting because they start from a position that human beings are basically hard wired to need bonding and attachment, and much of this comes through talking, eye contact, touch and sex. So from her viewpoint most things that go on in a marriage are because both people are needing to feel that bond with each other and panic when they are not getting it. This then results in either fights (when both partners get aggressive), coldness and distance (when both partners withdraw), and most commonly a situation where one partner is constantly trying to get the other one to notice them and give them what they need, and the other one feels either smothered or inadequate and runs away.

I found it quite interesting because the relationship dynamics she talks about are very familiar and ring true, and because it is nice to have some validation that sex and touch are a basic human need for most people. But it then gets a bit tricky, for me, because it seems that the idea is for both partners to see and understand the dynamic that is going on between, and see the love that is still there underneath it and say 'Oh my God, he/she does love me!' and then you can start letting go of all those reactions, talk honestly about how you feel, get all touchy feely again and rebuild the connection in the marriage. It doesn't say anywhere what you are supposed to do if one partner doesn't really want too much bonding and intimacy because they find it too threatening.