Sometimes it's simple

I think at the heart of it all thus is what it really amounts to. I know I was willing to twist myself into a pretzel to try and find a way to fix things, to make it work. I was willing to see doctors, take medicine, go places I really wasn't interested in but she was, read, research and change myself to try and get back to what we once had. She on the other hand could only put a token effort into giving me the intimacy I willingly and gladly gave to her. I did it because of love, her out of necessity. And when it comes to that point, you can stick a fork in it, it's done.

Sometimes, the opposite happens. I know he loved me, maybe he still does. It was that he seemed to love the idea of me more than the actual me. In the end I turned more into a caretaker/housekeeper, and it reminds me of the relationship his mom has with her partner: she takes care of him, but they sleep in separate rooms.

I really tried to fix it, to see if things could change, but I finally saw they wouldn't--he wouldn't--change. I loved him, but eventually I fell out of love with him because he couldn't give me the kind of relationship I needed and wanted. I know I deserve better than that, and I hope someday to find it.

This really describes how I feel about my relationship with my wife. In many ways I've become her caretaker. I'm responsible for her emotional, physical, and financial needs. I am the sole source of income. She can't deal with life emotionally. And by physical needs I mean medical needs. She does have medical issues which I've alluded to before and her less than aggressive approach to them. I wouldn't mind this. I view that as part of the wedding vows. The problem is it is and pretty much always has been a one way street. I feel that she doesn't try to care for herself. I care for her and all of my needs are ignored. She expects me to care for her but has no desire to care for me. I'm left dangling. I'm not a saint. I feel guilty but I can't constantly give without receiving something back on a semi-regular basis. Aren't spouses supposed to care for each other? If this were a temporary situation that would be one thing but this has been going on really for the entirety of our marriage and it's getting worse. I still love her but I'm in no way in love with her and that's a big difference. If she's honest she feels the same about me. As hard as it is I need more to keep my own sanity and health.

Yeah, that weighs heavily on me. My wife is by no means disabled but I would be walking out on somebody who needs help. Like you, I'd help her as much as I could but it would still feel like I'm abandoning her.

I have a lot of perceived shortcomings in her eyes. Some I agree with, nobody's perfect and I'll generally take ownership of them, but most I don't agree with her. She at least has not questioned my manhood, at least not to my face. Sorry, that must suck for you. That's really low. 

None of you are responsible for what happens to another adult. Disabled does not mean totally incapacitated in most cases. Hopefully that is not the case. And people who need help have more than one option. Furthermore, some people who need help don't need it as much as it has become a habit to have it. This is not much different from those whose spouses are depressed. They worry that if they leave, the spouse will commit suicide or that people will label them as the one who left because their spouse was depressed and how shitty that is. 

If you feel responsible for certain aspects of their lives, part of an exit plan has to involve finding other avenues of support. You are not the only one in the world who can help this person. What happens if you, God forbid, get run over by a bus tomorrow? Will your spouse literally wither and die, or will there be ways for that person to get what they need elsewhere? 

I certainly don't have the answers for everyone and am not trying to insult or belittle anyone. I hope to point out that there are almost always options. They may not be the ones you envision when you consider it. They may be very radical. But most of the time, they are there. Thinking about it from the perspective of what might happen if you pass away often gets people thinking differently about what is possible. There is nothing dishonorable about considering finding other avenues of support for someone and finding a new life for yourself. You have the right to leave just as much as anyone else. 

Just like with kids, you can still be there for her. You'll probably pay alimony, and you can help her get to doctor appointments etc. Might get a little weird when you start dating though.

And are you the only person she has to turn to? If so, she needs to change that, for her sake. If you only have one person in the world that's a precarious position. Is it possible she has set things up so you will be abandoning her? Because she knows you don't want to be that guy? And if she does have a broader support network, you won't be that guy because she won't be abandoned.