Birthdays

Couple thoughts on that. Ask her what she wants, what would she prefer, give you a clue, some ideas. This may upset her, she may think or want you to already know! You are supposed to be a mind reader, you are supposed to ignore all this rejection, and hiding,and self pity. If you take the lead, purchase things, set up a date, you give her an open door to trash all your attempts and look for more self pity. While pointing the finger. Face it ,history says you are in a double bind,a loose, loose situation.

Maybe a small box of doughnuts with some candles in it. Forget the card. My FIL still sends flowers, even though the women say," it's a waste of money" he claims, " forget what they say, it makes him feel good"

Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, are for giving money to Hallmark and restaurants ! Little place in a dead relationship. Keep it small. Just another day.

My STBX's 50 th just came and went. She was out of town. She never mentioned anything to anyone about what to do to handle it. With someone who wants to be detached from me I was not even going to bring it up. The children never mentioned anything. I would have fulfilled there requests, but nothing more. ( you don't have that issue).
Keep your self respect buddy!

Birthdays and anniversaries are really tough. I look for the pretty generic cards with no sexual innuendo. There are
usually a couple of cards like that. For a gift, I agree with Greatcoastal, just ask her what she wants. Long gone are the days when you would want to or be expected to come up with a meaningful gift.

Here's what I received for my birthday a few weeks ago. Not only is it impersonal, I am not the slightest bit religious. But I did laugh. So, there's that. C+ for effort, Numbnuts. 

When an occasion rolls around, whether it's birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, etc., I try to find a card simple and not at all sentimental. Something which says yes, I care about you, and recognizes the occasion. That's it. Cards like this aren't hard to find; they're usually in the non-specified recipient section. 

I would treat it nearly like you were hosting a foreign exchange student - as in, I don't know your culture, and I want to help you have a good day - - so what WOULD that look like?
As in -
Since it's your birthday coming up, how would you like to spend that day? I know what I've got for the gift already but how do you want to spend the time? I could make you dinner or take you out or just let you have your own me-time. I'm open to whatever will make your day a good one.
(Skip the card. We overthink things way too much sometimes. Or get one that you buy for your boss at work - generic)

I stopped pretending, and found a generic birthday card. I stopped with Valentine cards years before the divorce, though he still sent me huge cards. I never opened them, and eventually just put them with the trash. You get to a point where you can't live the lie that you're this happily married couple for a few days a year.