|
|
Post by litnerd on Aug 18, 2016 20:39:54 GMT -5
I'm determined to not get my hopes up too high, but H has been actually making an effort in the past week or so. He's actually initiated sex (more than once), he brought me a Diet Coke and cheese fries when I asked him to pick up dinner for him and the kids because I'd had a migraine all day (because he knew I probably needed caffeine for my headache and I'd mentioned that I was craving chili cheese fries a few days before), and he's been much more relaxed (even flirtatious) lately.
We also had a "discussion" on Monday because I had planned to go to a Mom's Night Out event and he huffed that I was going out "every week" (I went to a movie with my SIL and H's cousin 2 weeks before) and "all [he] do[es] is go to work and spend time with the kids." I cancelled my plans, and he was apologetic later, claiming he didn't mean for me to cancel my plans. I told him that I *wanted* him to do something for himself (I don't think he'll go out because that's not really his style), that I thought it would make him a happier person. He's been spending time alone working out every night since then, and he mentioned to me while buying ammo on Tuesday that he might actually go hunting twice during his birthday week (he goes dove hunting every year for his birthday, but usually just goes once with his dad/brother), and I hope he does.
I'm just trying to enjoy it for what it is, especially since it's eased my stress level quite a bit.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 18, 2016 21:19:27 GMT -5
Taking this in to context with your other posts, "not getting your hopes up" is a very sound position to take.
|
|
|
|
Trying
Sept 7, 2016 12:08:36 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by litnerd on Sept 7, 2016 12:08:36 GMT -5
After almost a month of pretty steady improvement in our sex life...we've had more sex in the past month than we have since our anniversary in January, and he's initiated most (if not all) of it...and extra efforts around the house, I got devastating news this morning. H is being reassigned to a new squad until he goes out on family leave (read: until I go into labor). Not only does this force him back to 12 hour night shifts, it completely flips his days off (around which I have planned all appointments/activities/custody arrangements for our oldest). I have attributed a lot of the improvement to him being on a day shift/semi-normal sleep schedule for the past month and a half. I haven't felt like I'm solo parenting 24/7, we've actually been able to do things as a family, and he's home every night he doesn't get forced into overtime (which makes a big difference in opportunities for sex when you have small children who don't like to sleep). He starts the new squad in 2 weeks, the same time I have to start going for 2x/weekly non-stress tests until the baby comes.
I just spent part of my therapy session last week talking to my therapist about how much better I was feeling mentally with him making more of an effort and really stepping up his assistance with the house and kids, but I have a feeling we'll be back to the fucked up sleep schedule and constant loneliness that comes with him working nights. Especially since working this squad means they'll be more likely to force him into overtime shifts, which means he'll be working 60-80 hour weeks for at least the first month of the switch (it's county fair season and the department is horrifically understaffed).
I just want to drown my sorrows in some Ben & Jerry's, but I can't even do that until after this kid is born because of stupid gestational diabetes!
|
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 7, 2016 16:30:35 GMT -5
Oh damn, litnerd - this sucks! I would think it's only fair to share all these thoughts with him - focusing on the part that it HAS really paid off and made you feel so different about the relationship (all GOOD) and that you know he isn't in control of all factors but that this change really has you worried that the intimacy & physical sex will be slipping back to the old, unacceptable pattern - that it scares you and you two need to develop some plan or agreement on how to prevent that or at least weaken the influence of it. There may not be TOO many options, but a frank, open discussion of "backup plans" on how to keep the relationship cultivated should still prove worth the time it takes to have it. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Trying
Sept 7, 2016 17:17:51 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2016 17:17:51 GMT -5
After almost a month of pretty steady improvement in our sex life...we've had more sex in the past month than we have since our anniversary in January, and he's initiated most (if not all) of it...and extra efforts around the house, I got devastating news this morning. H is being reassigned to a new squad until he goes out on family leave (read: until I go into labor). Not only does this force him back to 12 hour night shifts, it completely flips his days off (around which I have planned all appointments/activities/custody arrangements for our oldest). I have attributed a lot of the improvement to him being on a day shift/semi-normal sleep schedule for the past month and a half. I haven't felt like I'm solo parenting 24/7, we've actually been able to do things as a family, and he's home every night he doesn't get forced into overtime (which makes a big difference in opportunities for sex when you have small children who don't like to sleep). He starts the new squad in 2 weeks, the same time I have to start going for 2x/weekly non-stress tests until the baby comes. I just spent part of my therapy session last week talking to my therapist about how much better I was feeling mentally with him making more of an effort and really stepping up his assistance with the house and kids, but I have a feeling we'll be back to the fucked up sleep schedule and constant loneliness that comes with him working nights. Especially since working this squad means they'll be more likely to force him into overtime shifts, which means he'll be working 60-80 hour weeks for at least the first month of the switch (it's county fair season and the department is horrifically understaffed). I just want to drown my sorrows in some Ben & Jerry's, but I can't even do that until after this kid is born because of stupid gestational diabetes! Is this job non-negotiable? |
|
|
|
Trying
Sept 7, 2016 18:25:03 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by litnerd on Sept 7, 2016 18:25:03 GMT -5
@phinheasgage totally non-negotiable. It's his career and he's only 11 years from retirement eligibility, at which point we'll be able to move out of California and he can pursue his dream job of teaching music. It won't be so bad in a couple years (or even a year if the county will pull its head out of its ass and hire more deputies/promote the senior deputies they have to fill the many empty sergeant positions that have been vacant for 2+ years) when he has better seniority and more of a choice in what squad he gets. Right now, the lack of seniority is what's killing him. If he was still a lower rank, he'd be forced into a lot more OT, but he'd almost never be forced to switch squads like this.
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Sept 8, 2016 2:21:23 GMT -5
litnerd - and you are how far along now? I know that assholes abound, and that union BS probably doesn't help either, but if you are like 4-6 weeks from your due date this is a time for a) H to speak up and make them aware of the significant short-term impact this has, and b) his superiors to not be dicks about it. Very few leaders actually relish making changes that are short-lived (especially being a dick in the process), unless they're decisioning in a vacuum.
|
|
|
|
Post by litnerd on Sept 9, 2016 0:41:44 GMT -5
litnerd - and you are how far along now? I know that assholes abound, and that union BS probably doesn't help either, but if you are like 4-6 weeks from your due date this is a time for a) H to speak up and make them aware of the significant short-term impact this has, and b) his superiors to not be dicks about it. Very few leaders actually relish making changes that are short-lived (especially being a dick in the process), unless they're decisioning in a vacuum. I'm about 31 weeks, and not allowed to carry past 39ish because I'm on insulin for gestational diabetes. So I still have another 8 weeks max (hopefully closer to 6). He goes on leave for 4-6 weeks starting the day I either go into labor or am admitted for induction. His Leiutenant has been pretty apologetic about it and is making as many accommodations as we need for things like our baby shower (which we planned around his original RDO). Unfortunately, his department is trying to cover 8 positions with like 5 bodies (fewer if they have anyone else go out on medical leave), thanks to several years of bad local economy (yay for living in an oil and ag town) and hiring freezes. So almost all of the staff from sergeants down are in the same or similar boats, he just gets less of a say in where he goes because he's the low man in seniority. And, having worked for the same county in a different department (one that was much worse off financially than the Sherrif's department), I can confidently say that most of the management in all of the county departments couldn't care less about being assholes. There are huge turnover rates all over the county because employees typically get shit on. People just tend to put up with it longer in the law enforcement departments because they get safety retirement and a little better funding. I worked in human services both as a child protective services aide and a welfare case worker, and the stress of dealing with shitty management wasn't worth the small amount of good I felt like I was doing there. I was actually having panic attacks thinking about going back to work there after my daughter was born...which is how I ended up being a SAHM and why H decided to start trying to promote so that I could stay home fairly comfortably. |
|
