Anxiety

I wasn't planning on playing the religion card, but I have to +1 what jim44444 said.

As a Christian and a deacon at a good sized church in the area, I read story of your boyfriend, his church, and his denomination with more and more concern and disbelief. Sounds like a lot of folks holding rocks who have no business doing so. It sounds like an incredibly toxic, hypocritical situation that he's gotten himself into, and he seems to be sinking further into it, at the expense of your relationship and well-being.

The previous senior pastor at my church got divorced whole he was leading the pulpit. He announced publicly via a letter and email sent to everybody in the church, and it was addressed that Sunday. The Board of Deacons stood with him, there were no witch hunts initiated by our denomination, and the vast majority of the church stood with the both of them as much as possible.

That's what Christianity is supposed look like.

A while later, when he started dating a new woman, who was also a divorcee, she was also welcomed into our church and family with wide open arms. There was no public discussion about their sex life, no mutterings about what a disgrace the situation was, nothing but love, happiness, and excitement for the both of them.

Not long after they got engaged, he was offered the pulpit of one of the largest, most influential churches in the state. The membership there had no hesitations calling him to be their new senior pastor, and when the news hit the newspapers, it was mentioned that he was subjected divorced and engaged, and nobody in the established society of the city he'd be moving to batted an eye or made any untoward comments about his previous marriage.

That's what Christianity is supposed to look like. It sounds like a far cry from your boyfriend's experience. The problem is, he appears to be OK with that.

Whitewashed tombs.

Thanks everyone. Especially to Kat, Helen, PG, Baz, and Creel. I loved, loved, loved what CagedTiger said about his experience. I think that's the way life should be. Welcoming. Understanding. I can't tell you how much I pray for that...although it's apparent my BF is more concerned about the church elders than he is of me.

I met with my BF a couple of times since my last update, and had the opportunity to share my feelings. I told him how I think he is ashamed of me. I am a good woman. I AM! Shit, I work out/am active, I am loving and I have a good job. He came back to me a few days later and told me he is wrong to have tried to have input on whether or not I seek solace at the same church. I told him that oh, hell no. I'm seeking my own solace, too. Albeit in the same denomination, but a different location. I told him I was hurt and he was mean.

He also told me previously that I was looking solely to him for a social life. Well...yes and no. I mean, I DID move to a new (his) location, am pretty independent, but was also trying to get a sense of what dating looks like. I don't have kids and his kids live with him. My schedule is fluid. Want to spend time with me? Sure! I'm up for that...but his remarks were hurtful.

I have since rethought my flexibility toward the BF and joined activity groups where I know I will obtain a lot of pleasure and socialization. I signed up for my races now that it will be cooler here in Texas, and I'm happy about that. I have a Du and 45-mile on the calendar, as well as a little 5K and a Spartan Beast. I'm rucking, kickboxing, weight training and running. I am working on my fitness goals, and I am very satisfied about my activities. I do love my job, and have little regrets about moving. Of course I miss my friends, but I saw them very little due to our own individual obligations. What I decided is that my BF's issues are not mine. I live in the gulf coast and have access to beaches and cruise lines. You bet I'm planning an adventure.

For a millisecond I thought about how I used to hate weekends, but I really don't hate them anymore. Yes, I technically have a BF and am alone on a Saturday night...but 1.) I'm not going to replace BF with the Ex and 2.) I have a lot to be happy about. I moved across country and I did it! I left a new, shitty job and found a much better job...and I love where I work!

My relationships don't define who I am...and I am very resolved to learn from my decisions.

Hugs, PJ

I like, and totally agree with what the Tiger-Man and Jim had to say. If I slip into that mindset for a moment then all I can say is: the Redeemer's been and gone, and done his thing. You've been redeemed already: life your life as best as you can, be a good person and she'll be all right on the night. There is no need to go through spiritual contortionism. What do you need to seek redemption for? Are you a serial killer? No?
So much for that.

I've been through some interesting times in my 20s and 30s. I've seen some horrific cluster-fucks in relationships, how people treated, disregarded, abused, betrayed, used each other. I've also seen how people use - no, abuse - supposed spiritual issues and dogma to run roughshod over other people's heart, over their feelings, nearly destroy their soul. I've seen how people lack concern for their 'significant other', and what happens when they act with ultimate disregard. I've seen what happens when tortured souls go on a spiritual rampage and turn it into a rampage on all those who should be their nearest and dearest.

To me, it looks like you're in the middle of such a cluster-fuck. To me, that man looks like a tortured soul, going on how you describe him. How much of a tortured soul you are - that I cannot say; I don't know you well enough. Somehow I doubt that you two are the perfect match, though.

I can't tell you what to do - that is your call. Except maybe: don't let Hope fool you into something that isn't there.

I know what happened to me when I got involved with a tortured soul (and no, spirituality did not play any role in it at all that time - it was other issues) and I wish I never had, it took me over a decade to get over/past my relationship with her.