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Post by ggold on Aug 14, 2016 18:24:59 GMT -5
I went out a bit today to the store and to Starbucks. Some retail therapy for me at Victoria's Secret. As I was in Starbucks waiting, I suddenly felt so lonely. I can't explain it. I experienced this overwhelming feeling of being detached....from my husband and even my kids. I felt all alone, stuck in my head with my thoughts. It's as if my heart has a hole in it, and I am sad. Maybe I am grieving? I felt a little like this when my father passed away. I think eternaloptimism, you said it in one of your posts, everything seems so surreal. My therapist would say to sit with this feeling and try and see what part of me it's coming from. I need to do this as well as meditate and journal this evening. :-( |
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Post by obobfla on Aug 14, 2016 18:46:17 GMT -5
ggold, I get this every now and then. It's a symptom of depression. A few times, it's not even related to what is going on in my life. Everything can be going right, and I can still get it. But it also comes when I am anxious. Occasionally, it comes with shaking. With my wife being sick and me worrying about money, it's gotten worse. I have gotten plenty of help on it and take my medicine. I also do what I can to get out of myself, in spite of everything in my body telling me to isolate. A big help is checking this webpage to know I am not alone. But most importantly, I have identified the monster, and I don't listen to it when it tells me to be self-destructive.
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Post by obobfla on Aug 14, 2016 18:46:27 GMT -5
ggold , I get this every now and then. It's a symptom of depression. A few times, it's not even related to what is going on in my life. Everything can be going right, and I can still get it. But it also comes when I am anxious. Occasionally, it comes with shaking. With my wife being sick and me worrying about money, it's gotten worse. I have gotten plenty of help on it and take my medicine. I also do what I can to get out of myself, in spite of everything in my body telling me to isolate. A big help is checking this webpage to know I am not alone. But most importantly, I have identified the monster, and I don't listen to it when it tells me to be self-destructive.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2016 18:52:19 GMT -5
ggold, I get this every now and then. It's a symptom of depression. A few times, it's not even related to what is going on in my life. Everything can be going right, and I can still get it. But it also comes when I am anxious. Occasionally, it comes with shaking. With my wife being sick and me worrying about money, it's gotten worse. I have gotten plenty of help on it and take my medicine. I also do what I can to get out of myself, in spite of everything in my body telling me to isolate. A big help is checking this webpage to know I am not alone. But most importantly, I have identified the monster, and I don't listen to it when it tells me to be self-destructive. Right it may not even be related to your circumstances. Life is good for me but I feel this way a lot. It comes with a strong desire to isolate yourself, yes. Getting out of your head is one way out, as is living in the present, which may sound paradoxical if the present sucks, but you can't be happy living in the future or the past. Only the present exists. |
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Post by baza on Aug 14, 2016 18:53:33 GMT -5
Back in the day, just after my lawyer consult (which indicated a divorce was a definite option), I felt this overwhelming sense of isolation and being alone.
Maybe this experience parallels what you are feeling Sister gg ??
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For me, as I turned it over in my mind, it was the awful recognition that the marriage was done, the last barrier (the financial implications of divorce) was down and there was no legitimate bar to proceeding.
And all the tasks that this was going to involve was going to fall on me to deal with.
I felt lower than a snakes bum.
And so very alone.
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Over some days, the feeling sort of morphed in to a feeling of "resigned determination", or "sad inevitability", or something like that (haven't really got the right words here).
It was a big turning point.
But far from pleasant.
Shitty feeling, so I am feeling for you at this time Sister gg.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2016 19:20:54 GMT -5
Hi Ggold,
I don't know your background, but I assume this is your only marriage and these are children you have with your husband?
I fell in love and married the first girl I kissed. We had a child together. I invested 15 years of my life in that relationship, trying everything I could to be who she wanted and needed me to be. She was from a family of doctor's and she only wanted what she could not have. What she did have she did not value. The last 2 years before our marriage ended I was desensitized and was just waiting for her to end it. And when it did end, Lord Almighty, the emotions that poured from me were like a flood. Different ones all the time. I went to therapy, the same therapist who was supposed to help save our marriage, but whose advice my ex took verbatim "do what makes you feel happy".(which led her to have an affair, and I later found out not the first one!) I grieved for 2 years.
But this is not about me, it is about you. Everyone is different, but it seems you are a very sensitive person, and to me this means you are going to have a huge roller coaster struggle with emotions hitting you, often when you do not expect it. You have to deal.
My port in a storm was our daughter(who was only 3, an only child) and my mother, who could not have been more helpful. Because my ex was the more outgoing one, most of our mutual friends seemed obliged to remain good friends with her, and just an acquaintance with me. It did not help that I stayed home and she went out. Don't be surprised at people.
You must find your support, and I know you are blessed with good friends at this site who will help you. Try and ride through the emotional roller coaster. It is not easy, but we all have faith in you so have faith in yourself!
Your friend,
Bob
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Post by misssunnybunny on Aug 14, 2016 19:22:35 GMT -5
I remember feeling so very lonely in my marriage it was almost painful. Now that I am out and on my own, I still get those moments/days of loneliness. I enjoy my quiet time, and I find if I get too much of it, I get withdrawn, tend to isolate myself, and that makes the feelings even worse. Getting out helps, even if it is a quick trip to the grocery store/running errands. I have to balance my social and alone time, and that helps me feel my best self. Adding a guy into the mix would be really nice, but not quite ready yet. Separating ourselves from our spouses, as much as we feel it needs to happen, can bring on feelings of grief/sadness, loneliness, depression. Detachment is part of the process, learning separate ourselves form the "us" to "me." It is good to sit with these feelings and process, but also good to find ways to be with others and be social (getting support here counts, too!  ) Hugs to you; it isn't easy, but you are strong and will get through this. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 14, 2016 19:39:21 GMT -5
I remember feeling so very lonely in my marriage it was almost painful. Now that I am out and on my own, I still get those moments/days of loneliness. I enjoy my quiet time, and I find if I get too much of it, I get withdrawn, tend to isolate myself, and that makes the feelings even worse. Getting out helps, even if it is a quick trip to the grocery store/running errands. I have to balance my social and alone time, and that helps me feel my best self. Adding a guy into the mix would be really nice! Separating ourselves from our spouses, as much as we feel it needs to happen, can bring on feelings of grief/sadness, loneliness, depression. Detachment is part of the process, learning separate ourselves form the "us" to "me." It is good to sit with these feelings and process, but also good to find ways to be with others and be social (getting support here counts, too! ) Hugs to you; it isn't easy, but you are strong and will get through this. This!!! These words can be my own so I won't repeat anything except a big hug to you G!! |
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Post by ggold on Aug 14, 2016 19:54:16 GMT -5
Hi Ggold, I don't know your background, but I assume this is your only marriage and these are children you have children with your husband? I fell in love and married the first girl I kissed. We had a child together. I invested 15 years of my life in that relationship, trying everything I could to be who she wanted and needed me to be. She was from a family of doctor's and she only wanted what she could not have. What she did have she did not value. The last 2 years before our marriage ended I was desensitized and was just waiting for her to end it. And when it did end, Lord Almighty, the emotions that poured from me were like a flood. Different ones all the time. I went to therapy, the same therapist who was supposed to help save our marriage, but whose advice my ex took verbatim "do what makes you feel happy".(which led her to have an affair, and I later found out not the first one!) I grieved for 2 years. But this is not about me, it is about you. Everyone is different, but it seems you are a very sensitive person, and to me this means you are going to have a huge roller coaster struggle with emotions hitting you, often when you do not expect it. You have to deal. My port in a storm was our daughter(who was only 3, an only child) and my mother, who could not have been more helpful. Because my ex was the more outgoing one, most of our mutual friends seemed obliged to remain good friends with her, and just an acquaintance with me. It did not help that I stayed home and she went out. Don't be surprised at people. You must find your support, and I know you are blessed with good friends at this site who will help you. Try and ride through the emotional roller coaster. It is not easy, but we all have faith in you so have faith in yourself! Your friend, Bob Hi Bob, Thank you. Yes, this is my only marriage. I've been married for almost 23 years. We have three children, ages 13, 9 and 4. I am definitely a sensitive person. You nailed that about me. I have been dealing with a roller coaster of emotions for many years due to this marriage. For a long, long time, I thought I could live this way. He is a good man and father. He provides for us and takes care of us. He works hard and puts his family first. The one thing he did not do, however, was take action for our lack of sex and intimacy. As the years went on, sex decreased and has been nonexistent for 10 years. I would bring up the issue with him, he would say he would change, and everything would remain the same. Eventually, I gave up even speaking to him about it but would occasionally write him letters expressing my feelings. I remember telling him in these letters that I would not live like this forever. Now, I am at the stage where I cannot go on living with a man who doesn't want me intimately and who doesn't even want to face the reality of it all. (Although I think reality is starting to hit him as he is in his own therapy to help him cope with the end of our marriage.) I am very lucky to not only have support here in this amazing community, but also through friends and some family members. I am in therapy and am taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds to help me cope. Thank you so much for caring. G |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2016 21:23:13 GMT -5
Thank you G,
I appreciate your reply. At this moment I have only 2 things to add and warn you about; 1) the worst feeling in this world you will ever experience is when your kids start pulling on your heartstrings to get back with their 'daddy'. My daughter made me so guilty! But my ex wanted the divorce and that made it way easier for me. But if 3 precious angels come at you and your ex does not back you up, wow, that will be incredibly tough to deal with. And 2) for me it was 5 years between lovers, and the baggage I had was enormous! The first 5 dates the following things all happened to me talking about my past; voice cracked, misty eyes, couldn't talk, spaced out, etc.. It will not be easy at first talking about your past. And if and when you get past our emotional baggage, never go out with someone like me. I would keep you in bed and spend all weekend figuring out how to please you!(attempted complement and levity, I am way too old). But when you are free and it finally happens......I have.no words to describe how wonderful you will feel!
Best to you G,
Bob
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Post by deleted on Aug 15, 2016 1:59:59 GMT -5
I feel lonely quite frequently, although there are always people around. I would feel lonely in Times Square on New Years Eve at 11:55pm. It's the lack of a emotional connection that causes it for me.
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Post by warmways on Aug 15, 2016 8:19:01 GMT -5
I totally understand this. Keep going out to do little things for yourself and errands and be out in the world even if it's the last thing you want to do.. and don't be afraid to cry(I have to watch a sad movie usually because my feelings are so shut down), know that as others have said - that you're grieving and it's another hurdle, but it won't last. You're going to get through this for sure.
I admire your courage.
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Post by Pinkberry on Aug 15, 2016 10:49:36 GMT -5
I know this feeling well. I hate that others are enduring it as well.
It really sounds like you are doing all the right things for you. I remember how overwhelming it can be, but this too shall pass. I promise.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Aug 16, 2016 19:58:29 GMT -5
The loneliness.
Oh god how it hurts.
Will taking a lover make it better? In some ways it would.
But....the question will pop into your mind, right in the middle of the awesome sex:
Why won't my husband do this for me?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2016 20:48:07 GMT -5
The loneliness. Oh god how it hurts. Will taking a lover make it better? In some ways it would. But....the question will pop into your mind, right in the middle of the awesome sex: Why won't my husband do this for me? I agree that the feelings of loneliness and rejection that torment us and also that we do not deserve any hell like this in our lives. But if someday I outsource??? I will feel that right in the middle..............of mind blowing sex..............my entire focus........my concentrated thoughts................ will be of the pleasure.......between only my lover and me! |
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