Hello!

Why is it so hard to leave? In the back of my mind I know he will probably never be who I need him to be sexually, emotionally, etc. I grew up, he never did.

Fear is one reason it is so hard. Fear of the unknown. Also the drama involved. (Now I may be speaking out my butt - it could only be that way for me)

And I'm sure I'm not saying anything you don't know but It sounds to me that you know what you want - and he doesn't - or he wants something different.

I'm not throwing stones. I'm living in the fear myself.

But if he is still acting/thinking like he's in high school, move on.

Why is it so hard to leave? In the back of my mind I know he will probably never be who I need him to be sexually, emotionally, etc. I grew up, he never did.

Fear is one reason it is so hard. Fear of the unknown. Also the drama involved. (Now I may be speaking out my butt - it could only be that way for me)

And I'm sure I'm not saying anything you don't know but It sounds to me that you know what you want - and he doesn't - or he wants something different.

I'm not throwing stones. I'm living in the fear myself.

But if he is still acting/thinking like he's in high school, move on.

Some of you may know my story for EP.  Been with my refuser for 17 years (8 of them married), we got together when we were kids (16 yrs old...we're 34 now). Sex has almost always been an issue for us. He has a low drive. 6 of 8 years married he fell into pain killer addiction, he's off pain killers but still not the husband/father he should/could be. When we got engaged we were in an upswing. Sex was semi-frequent, relationship was great, no trust issues, I thought things were going to be ok. Now after 8 years ago marriage, maturing, realizing what I want, I feel stuck. He's trying to fix himself and our marriage, minimally, enough to keep me at bay (at least in his eyes). For the past year I have been teetering on the edge of leaving but I think about how long we've been together and how much I would miss his family, I didn't grow up in a broken home and I certainly have a hard time thinking about sharing our kids custody wise (holidays, birthdays etc). The thought about separating, separating finances, selling our home, leaving all I have ever known for half my life gives me anxiety. I'm codependent, i know this. I started doing things for myself, little things... working out, wearing make up (i've always been a plain jane/tomboy), dressing nicer. Really focusing on myself and our kids. For years I have felt like I live with a roommate. Addiction brought about many trust issues with us. (we did do marriage counseling which did help a bit for awhile but we certainly need to go back if I decide to stay)

Why is it so hard to leave? In the back of my mind I know he will probably never be who I need him to be sexually, emotionally, etc. I grew up, he never did. I attribute the fact that I didn't see this earlier or at least didn't want to admit it because we got together so young. What do you know at 16? Nothing! I grew up seeing my parents who have this near perfect marriage, got together at 15 yrs old and have been in love ever since. I thought I was following that same path. Until just about 2-3 years ago I realized this isn't what I want but I'm too afraid to take that step. I know I deserve better. I know who I am know (for the most part) and what I need. I wish I would have realized these things before I got engaged/married. I spent most of my life trying to please my refuser, believing that I was being irrational and basically sacrificing my own happiness to fit the life my refuser wanted. I feel guilty when I think about leaving because he did quit his painkiller addiction to try to salvage things. He is spending more time with the kids but still not taking the initiative to make me feel loved or wanted. We still live like roommates. We have months were sex is maybe once a month and then others where it's 2-4 times a month. He believes wholeheartedly that he is trying and here I am with one foot out the door, barely acknowledging his existence bc I harbor so much resentment over the addiction, lack of affection/sex.

If I could only turn back time. I'm sure we all feel like that at some point. I feel conflicted. I'm not afraid to be alone or start over but afraid to let go of so many years. I feel terrible because he's not a bad person he just doesn't share the same views of what a marriage should be. He has no goals or aspirations in life. He sits around, watches TV, plays video games and he's happy that way. I am not. He feels as though we have been together so long and that i'm comparing our lives to those of our friends who have been with their lovers for less than 5 years (honeymoon phase as he would say) But I want a partner. Someone who I can have fun with. Someone who enjoys talking and spending time with me and the kids. I don't want a bump on a log.

I have been chatting with an old friend (who I did make out with a few times during a "dating break" with my refuser pre-marriage/engagement) over the past few years. Recently we started texting daily. He's not someone I would ever be in a relationship with but talking to him and getting attention from him has started to push me to start figuring out my life and what i'm doing. I feel like i jump back and forth with this stay or leave on a weekly basis. So frustrating! 

Some of you may know my story for EP.  Been with my refuser for 17 years (8 of them married), we got together when we were kids (16 yrs old...we're 34 now). Sex has almost always been an issue for us. He has a low drive. 6 of 8 years married he fell into pain killer addiction, he's off pain killers but still not the husband/father he should/could be. When we got engaged we were in an upswing. Sex was semi-frequent, relationship was great, no trust issues, I thought things were going to be ok. Now after 8 years ago marriage, maturing, realizing what I want, I feel stuck. He's trying to fix himself and our marriage, minimally, enough to keep me at bay (at least in his eyes). For the past year I have been teetering on the edge of leaving but I think about how long we've been together and how much I would miss his family, I didn't grow up in a broken home and I certainly have a hard time thinking about sharing our kids custody wise (holidays, birthdays etc). The thought about separating, separating finances, selling our home, leaving all I have ever known for half my life gives me anxiety. I'm codependent, i know this. I started doing things for myself, little things... working out, wearing make up (i've always been a plain jane/tomboy), dressing nicer. Really focusing on myself and our kids. For years I have felt like I live with a roommate. Addiction brought about many trust issues with us. (we did do marriage counseling which did help a bit for awhile but we certainly need to go back if I decide to stay)

Why is it so hard to leave? In the back of my mind I know he will probably never be who I need him to be sexually, emotionally, etc. I grew up, he never did. I attribute the fact that I didn't see this earlier or at least didn't want to admit it because we got together so young. What do you know at 16? Nothing! I grew up seeing my parents who have this near perfect marriage, got together at 15 yrs old and have been in love ever since. I thought I was following that same path. Until just about 2-3 years ago I realized this isn't what I want but I'm too afraid to take that step. I know I deserve better. I know who I am know (for the most part) and what I need. I wish I would have realized these things before I got engaged/married. I spent most of my life trying to please my refuser, believing that I was being irrational and basically sacrificing my own happiness to fit the life my refuser wanted. I feel guilty when I think about leaving because he did quit his painkiller addiction to try to salvage things. He is spending more time with the kids but still not taking the initiative to make me feel loved or wanted. We still live like roommates. We have months were sex is maybe once a month and then others where it's 2-4 times a month. He believes wholeheartedly that he is trying and here I am with one foot out the door, barely acknowledging his existence bc I harbor so much resentment over the addiction, lack of affection/sex.

If I could only turn back time. I'm sure we all feel like that at some point. I feel conflicted. I'm not afraid to be alone or start over but afraid to let go of so many years. I feel terrible because he's not a bad person he just doesn't share the same views of what a marriage should be. He has no goals or aspirations in life. He sits around, watches TV, plays video games and he's happy that way. I am not. He feels as though we have been together so long and that i'm comparing our lives to those of our friends who have been with their lovers for less than 5 years (honeymoon phase as he would say) But I want a partner. Someone who I can have fun with. Someone who enjoys talking and spending time with me and the kids. I don't want a bump on a log.

I have been chatting with an old friend (who I did make out with a few times during a "dating break" with my refuser pre-marriage/engagement) over the past few years. Recently we started texting daily. He's not someone I would ever be in a relationship with but talking to him and getting attention from him has started to push me to start figuring out my life and what i'm doing. I feel like i jump back and forth with this stay or leave on a weekly basis. So frustrating!