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Venting
Aug 9, 2016 17:29:39 GMT -5
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 9, 2016 17:29:39 GMT -5
The next time he asks someone over the house in front of you, without asking you first think about how you would discipline a child. Since he is acting childish. " No, sorry friends, my husband needs to learn to discuss these things with me, first, personally." Take away his toys, embarrass him in front of his friends. My guess is he would probably explode. A great opportunity to tell him in front of his friends" you are acting very childish, and disrespectful! Take me home, now, please". You would have to be very firm, and dis connect ,detach from him as much as possible. He will not change, but it will speed up the process. This would be so hard for me to pull off! I hate saying no and would make the other people feel like I don't like them. It's not their fault he has no consideration for me. I'm too nice, I know. You mentioned, " It's not their fault he has no consideration for me". Don't you think they would see that too? Do you think that's going to make them like him more? If so they are not friends for you, should be avoided and not allowed into your home, around your child. many a parent or family, has come to the rescue of a too nice person. That may be your best choice. Talk to your family about it. |
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Post by unmatched on Aug 9, 2016 18:27:08 GMT -5
He has absolute zero consideration for you. Once my ex sent me the same text inviting people to our house for a party to watch a football game. The only person that showed up was the man he was jealous of that I have a platonic friendship with. I let my ex know that the only reason he showed up was because he liked ME! I flirted with him all night too so that backfired on him. As far as the trip to France - it's your life! Tell him you don't have the energy to travel or better yet tell him you'll be happier and it will be a vacation not having to see his face. Bon Voyage Asshole!! I agree he has zero consideration for you, but to me it sounds worse. I think he is actively avoiding spending one on one time with you. He might or might not be doing it consciously but he doesn't want a relationship with you. You have been relegated to appendage status. You need to talk to him and tell him if he wants to have a relationship then he needs to actually have one. And the rest of this I second completely. Both in France and at home, think about what YOU want to do. Make yourself a plan for however many days you are in France for everything you want to do. Then just do it and let everyone tag along or not as they want to. Build up your own life at home too. He clearly loves being the centre of his own little universe. If you let yourself be an appendage then it is much easier for him to see you as one or treat you like one. If you become the dynamic powerful person you have inside you then maybe he will start seeing you differently. And if he doesn't, maybe you will also feel a whole lot more empowered to dump his dumb ass. |
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Post by nyartgal on Aug 9, 2016 22:32:39 GMT -5
I agree that he sounds like a complete ass, but you also sound very comfortable being the victim. You seem to see yourself as powerless, or at least totally passive, to affect him or his behavior in any way, to stand up for yourself or to do your own thing. How about saying no? If you don't want to hang out with a young couple, don't. If you don't want to go to France, don't. If you don't want people coming over, cal them and cancel it. If you think he's an ass for playing golf every Friday instead of taking care of you when you need him, take those golf clubs down to the dump and get rid of them. Or get rid of him. Just do something.
It's time to stop complaining and start standing up for yourself, otherwise you'll be stuck in the victim role 20 years from now still complaining about the same stuff.
You have just as much agency to create the life you want to lead and be the person you want to be as any other person on earth. You get to CHOOSE what is acceptable treatment by other people and what the consequences are if they can't treat you properly, and then enforce those consequences.
You are in charge of your own emotional needs.
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Post by baza on Aug 9, 2016 22:47:30 GMT -5
Sister anniec.
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You have as much right as anyone else to say "no".
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And, for ones own well being it is sometimes imperative that one does say "no" in the appropriate circumstances.
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It can take practice, it can take some time to develop an appropriate level of assertiveness, but it is imperative that one does.
Elsewise, one remains a doormat, with all sorts of people making your choices for you.
And believe me, the choices these people make on your behalf will be based on THEIR longer term best interests, NOT yours.
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Venting
Aug 10, 2016 1:41:11 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by deleted on Aug 10, 2016 1:41:11 GMT -5
bballgirl Glad his football party backfired on him and you wound up having all the fun. Wish I could tell him to go off to Europe alone, but its all set for me to tag along now. Zero consideration....yup. Feeling powerless to leave him at this point though. No one has forced you to get on a plane, yet. Just don't do it. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2016 10:21:33 GMT -5
This would be so hard for me to pull off! I hate saying no and would make the other people feel like I don't like them. It's not their fault he has no consideration for me. I'm too nice, I know. Yes I couldn't do that either BUT what I would say is: 1) so Mr. Anniec- what are you cooking good for all of us since you have decided to entertain all of us? 2) well I hope you all like takeout pizza because I'm not cooking and then laugh I moved dinner from our house tonight to a restaurant! It's a start I guess. |
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Venting
Aug 10, 2016 10:27:36 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2016 10:27:36 GMT -5
This would be so hard for me to pull off! I hate saying no and would make the other people feel like I don't like them. It's not their fault he has no consideration for me. I'm too nice, I know. You mentioned, " It's not their fault he has no consideration for me". Don't you think they would see that too? Do you think that's going to make them like him more? If so they are not friends for you, should be avoided and not allowed into your home, around your child. many a parent or family, has come to the rescue of a too nice person. That may be your best choice. Talk to your family about it. I most definitely do not consider them my friends. They are his work buddies and their wives. But are they really even his friends? They work for him so they could just be acting as his friends. He acts as if it's my "job" to entertain these people since I'm a stay at home mom. He acts like a loving husband when they are around so I don't think they see how little respect he has for me. |
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Venting
Aug 10, 2016 10:29:48 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2016 10:29:48 GMT -5
bballgirl Glad his football party backfired on him and you wound up having all the fun. Wish I could tell him to go off to Europe alone, but its all set for me to tag along now. Zero consideration....yup. Feeling powerless to leave him at this point though. No one has forced you to get on a plane, yet. Just don't do it. Easier said than done deleted. My parents are already on there way to my house to stay with my son. If I don't go it will raise a lot of questions. I hide my marital problems from them as much as I can. |
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Venting
Aug 10, 2016 10:32:56 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2016 10:32:56 GMT -5
Sister anniec. - You have as much right as anyone else to say "no". - And, for ones own well being it is sometimes imperative that one does say "no" in the appropriate circumstances. - It can take practice, it can take some time to develop an appropriate level of assertiveness, but it is imperative that one does. Elsewise, one remains a doormat, with all sorts of people making your choices for you. And believe me, the choices these people make on your behalf will be based on THEIR longer term best interests, NOT yours. thank you for the advice. I cant believe I let it get to this point. From an independent woman to a stay at home doormat. That's something I have to work on and fast. |
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Venting
Aug 10, 2016 10:42:43 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2016 10:42:43 GMT -5
He has absolute zero consideration for you. Once my ex sent me the same text inviting people to our house for a party to watch a football game. The only person that showed up was the man he was jealous of that I have a platonic friendship with. I let my ex know that the only reason he showed up was because he liked ME! I flirted with him all night too so that backfired on him. As far as the trip to France - it's your life! Tell him you don't have the energy to travel or better yet tell him you'll be happier and it will be a vacation not having to see his face. Bon Voyage Asshole!! I agree he has zero consideration for you, but to me it sounds worse. I think he is actively avoiding spending one on one time with you. He might or might not be doing it consciously but he doesn't want a relationship with you. You have been relegated to appendage status. You need to talk to him and tell him if he wants to have a relationship then he needs to actually have one. And the rest of this I second completely. Both in France and at home, think about what YOU want to do. Make yourself a plan for however many days you are in France for everything you want to do. Then just do it and let everyone tag along or not as they want to. Build up your own life at home too. He clearly loves being the centre of his own little universe. If you let yourself be an appendage then it is much easier for him to see you as one or treat you like one. If you become the dynamic powerful person you have inside you then maybe he will start seeing you differently. And if he doesn't, maybe you will also feel a whole lot more empowered to dump his dumb ass. I completely agree. He does avoid spending time with me. Can't remember the last time we went anywhere nice alone. Your comment....he clearly loves being the center of his own little universe...yes he does...now that he can get away with it. He was a geeky, shy chemist when I met him! Found it cute and refreshing to be with someone who wasn't full of himself. I feel like I created a monster since I helped him dress better, get a new haircut, encouraged him to get his MBA, etc. I created this. It's my mainly my fault and now I am paying the price. When I try to be more assertive he claims I am being bossy or mean. Can't seem to get through to him anymore. I know it's time to leave but just can't seem to do it yet. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 10, 2016 10:43:46 GMT -5
No one has forced you to get on a plane, yet. Just don't do it. Easier said than done deleted. My parents are already on there way to my house to stay with my son. If I don't go it will raise a lot of questions. I hide my marital problems from them as much as I can. Maybe it's time to stop hiding your issues. My folks picked up on a lot of small things before I even did, and they've been a huge source of strength and insight while I've been going through my issues. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2016 10:53:41 GMT -5
I agree that he sounds like a complete ass, but you also sound very comfortable being the victim. You seem to see yourself as powerless, or at least totally passive, to affect him or his behavior in any way, to stand up for yourself or to do your own thing. How about saying no? If you don't want to hang out with a young couple, don't. If you don't want to go to France, don't. If you don't want people coming over, cal them and cancel it. If you think he's an ass for playing golf every Friday instead of taking care of you when you need him, take those golf clubs down to the dump and get rid of them. Or get rid of him. Just do something. It's time to stop complaining and start standing up for yourself, otherwise you'll be stuck in the victim role 20 years from now still complaining about the same stuff. You have just as much agency to create the life you want to lead and be the person you want to be as any other person on earth. You get to CHOOSE what is acceptable treatment by other people and what the consequences are if they can't treat you properly, and then enforce those consequences. You are in charge of your own emotional needs. I know. I really do. But honestly I can't get motivated to do anything about it. Nothing. A huge part for me staying is my son. I don't want him spending time alone with this jerk when it's his weekend to have him. He isn't very patient with him and yells at him over every little thing he does wrong. He is only 4 and still needs me to protect him from this ass of a father. After reading all the advice on here I am not taking any more trips that aren't about me, no more double dates, I am not having people over if I don't feel up to it and will stand up for myself. I have nothing to lose at this point so I may as well be more assertive. I don't care if his "friends" think I am a bitch. Doesn't matter what they think. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2016 10:59:30 GMT -5
Easier said than done deleted . My parents are already on there way to my house to stay with my son. If I don't go it will raise a lot of questions. I hide my marital problems from them as much as I can. Maybe it's time to stop hiding your issues. My folks picked up on a lot of small things before I even did, and they've been a huge source of strength and insight while I've been going through my issues. I've thought about sharing more with them. My father is 74 and I hate to upset him since he has blood pressure problems. I know my mom will be ok with me leaving him, but not my dad. It's all a show when we are around our parents...wonder if they see through any of it! |
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Venting
Aug 10, 2016 11:31:25 GMT -5
Post by csl on Aug 10, 2016 11:31:25 GMT -5
I hide my marital problems from them as much as I can. That needs to stop. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2016 11:50:14 GMT -5
Maybe it's time to stop hiding your issues. My folks picked up on a lot of small things before I even did, and they've been a huge source of strength and insight while I've been going through my issues. I've thought about sharing more with them. My father is 74 and I hate to upset him since he has blood pressure problems. I know my mom will be ok with me leaving him, but not my dad. It's all a show when we are around our parents...wonder if they see through any of it! My W is real good with putting on an image... but when I talked about my problems with my parents, it was no surprise to them. And they were very understanding. And they continue to be my biggest supporters. (I don't put my W in my top 5...)
I recently mentioned the problems to my SIL (by marriage). At first she was like OMG... but then she was like "it all makes sense now....Mind. Blown."
Those that really love us, can always tell....
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