missinhard
New Member
A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.
Posts: 12 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by missinhard on Aug 7, 2016 15:42:15 GMT -5
I haven't been here for a while but I thought I would share my experience.
Thanks to EP and the fellow sexless members, I left my refuser at the end of April, shortly after EP closed. After two months of his begging, pleading, and promises of change and professions of how he'll never love again, he is now in a relationship with the first person he met. After two months. Two months. He's fucking her, taking her out for dinner almost nightly, staying at her place, going to counselling, and making all the positive changes I had wanted and begged of him for a decade.
I'm angry at myself for staying with him for so long because "he's a nice guy and everyone loves him". What a fool I was. I'm so angry I can't stand myself. I wish I had found EP and the sexless forum long ago.
I'm trying to look ahead and be happy that I won't spend another minute in that soul-sucking place, but I can't seem to stop being so damn angry over the years wasted.
For now I'm trying to focus on getting the house sold and moving forward with my life. I'm trying to remember the lessons I've learned and to never make the same mistakes.
Life isn't great on the other side at the moment, but there's now hope for something better.
Thanks again!!
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 7, 2016 16:39:49 GMT -5
You are absolutely beautiful. I get the anger over the wasted years trust me I do all 23 years of them but I was naive, he preyed on me and manipulated everything. It wasn't until I found EP that I came out of the fog, connected the dots, and gained the courage to release myself. I think it's ok to feel angry, it's just an emotion that will come and go but you need to make sure you stay positive, find ways to bring happiness into your life, challenge yourself and enjoy this new life you have ahead of you to look forward to.
Stay positive! Good riddens to him! Be thankful he's not your problem ever again! Big hugs!
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Post by obobfla on Aug 7, 2016 16:52:05 GMT -5
missinhard, I think things will get better for you real soon. Your picture definitely shows that he missed out, no matter who he is with now. As Eliza said in Frozen, let it go!
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 7, 2016 17:02:56 GMT -5
Things aren't always what they seem. Many a person probably thought that you and your ex were the perfect couple from the outside. Who knows what your ex has going, most likely a total disaster in a few months. ( please don't fall in to that same trap) Healing takes time. Many people say " I Got this" and jump right into trouble. That could very easily be your ex! Jealousy rage, anger, your having to deal with that now, that's understandable. I'm glad things are better for you now. Is there a divorce recovery group near you? Continue to take those small steps pressing forward!
You are an attractive woman, who deserves to be
Respected
Admired
Cherished
Sought after!
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Post by sodone1492 on Aug 7, 2016 17:04:43 GMT -5
Every second of your life that spend angry with him is time wasted. Before long, he won't be having sex with her instead of you. Let. it. go.
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missinhard
New Member
A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.
Posts: 12
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by missinhard on Aug 7, 2016 17:27:15 GMT -5
Yes you are all right. I'm not jealous, just angry. I'm not even remotely interested in another relationship; unlike him, I'm perfectly happy on my own.
Going to a divorce support group is a great idea. I'll look into that right away.
I think once I no longer have to be around him the anger will subside.
Thank you for your support!
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Post by unmatched on Aug 7, 2016 18:08:13 GMT -5
I think this is a pretty healthy reaction. It is now very clear that all that murky shit that was going on in your marriage was largely made up of lies and misdirection. Be mad, use that to break through all the sentimental rubbish that hangs around in your head after so many years with somebody, and clear it all out. Then let it go and move on.
And as someone else said, I would be very willing to bet $100 that if they are still together in three years time they will be sexless or damn near it. Any takers?
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Post by jim44444 on Aug 7, 2016 18:53:06 GMT -5
. . . After two months. Two months. He's fucking her, taking her out for dinner almost nightly, staying at her place, going to counselling, and making all the positive changes I had wanted and begged of him for a decade. And unmatched said I sympathize with your anger missinhard but if there is one thing we all should keep in mind from the EP archives it is this - It does not matter if our refusers fuck someone else. It does not matter if they never fuck someone else. It only matters that they do not fuck us. Congratulations to you on getting out. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2016 19:05:38 GMT -5
I agree with unmatched - anger is pretty normal in these circumstances. I still get angry sometimes and I'm just months away from finalizing my divorce - angry at myself for putting up with a crappy marriage for so long (22 years in my case), angry with him for being such a passive aggressive manipulative shit, angry that my kids have to deal with divorced parents. I try to just feel it and let it go. Sometimes I need the anger to push me to do something specific. Sometimes it's just something I need to acknowledge and then I can let it go.
You aren't a fool and you never were. You did the best you could and loved the best way you knew how. He's the loser here. Him and that poor new girlfriend of his - I wouldn't want to be in her shoes! You get to move ahead and have a fuller, happier life. You should be proud of yourself for taking this step, making this move. No matter what anyone thinks, choosing to leave a marriage is tough, no matter how soul crushing it was. It takes a lot of strength to leave and start over. Take some time to appreciate the incredible strides you've already made!
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missinhard
New Member
A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.
Posts: 12
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by missinhard on Aug 7, 2016 20:49:26 GMT -5
Thank you everyone. Your words are like a cooling salve on a nasty burn. I thought I could manage everything on my own and it's clear I have work to do for myself.
I'll start reading everyone's stories again to gain the valuable insight of so many of you.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Aug 7, 2016 21:09:04 GMT -5
It is normal to feel angry. I've been out a few years, and he not only met someone a few months after we separated, he married her this year. When I heard he was dating it didn't really bother me, I pretty much expected it. When I found out about the engagement I got angry. Lots of cursing and how dare he be happy after everything he put me through types of things ran through my mind. I have supportive friends and family, and they helped me through that. A bit of the anger resurfaced after I knew they got married earlier this year, but that went away much faster. Being able to let go has been helpful, and it is something that talking with friends helped. Support is such a wonderful thing, whether here or in person. Congratulations to you for getting out of your SM!
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Post by baza on Aug 7, 2016 23:03:51 GMT -5
Given time (and how much time will vary from person to person) your emotions will catch up with your head, and you'll see things for what they are - or more to the point what they were.
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He behaved himself into irrelevancy as far as today and tomorrow go.
He's still there in yesterday and always will be.
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What (or who) he is doing now is irrelevant.
Your history with him is done, there are no new chapters to write there.
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There are new chapters yet to be written in your life.
He ain't in them.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 8, 2016 8:36:37 GMT -5
The anger I felt following the dissolution of my marriage was primarily over our failure. Based on our personalities, shared interested, political, social and philosophical leanings, we should have been a great match. But it didn't last. What I found that best worked for me was some form of exercise. I burn a lot of wood in the winter. I like the fireplace ablaze in the evenings. And if it is really cold I fire up the woodstove in the basement. So I head a couple of large trees that were dying and leaning the wrong way taken down and then I chopped a lot of wood. I probably have about 4yrs. of wood stacked up. I'm not angry(mostly not) anymore and I am physically and mentally stronger. So I recommend exercise as a good way to excise that anger. You'll feel and look better.
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Post by Dan on Sept 24, 2016 1:00:02 GMT -5
Going to a divorce support group is a great idea. I'll look into that right away. This is a great idea. I'm reading this six weeks after you posted. Did you find one? Did you find one that you LIKE and feel supported by? If you are still looking for one, here are some suggestions how to find a divorce support group: - Ask your talk therapist, or call around to local counselors, psychologist, and just ask if they know of any in your area.
- Call "women's support centers" or "women's resource centers" in your area. Even find your county's "mental health hotline": they will probably have references, too.
- Contact the chapter of NAMI in your area: www.nami.org/. This is a lose network of mental health providers, professionally-lead therapy groups, and peer-lead self-help groups. They may know of divorce-specific groups. (Anyone else reading this: if you have family members dealing with mental health or substance abuse issues, you also should call NAMI to find support for YOU.)
- Look at Meetup.com, specifically searching for divorce support groups. You may be able to find women-specific ones, and/or ones oriented at your age or religious preference. "Meetup groups" will be informal, peer-lead self-help groups. Bonus: when you are ready to start socializing (even not yet seeking to be dating), there is probably already a half a dozen meetup groups in your area for things you like to do. I've attended "Beatles and Beer" (we sing Beatles music at a bar), another folk-music play-along sing-along (CSNY, anyone?), and a few holiday mixers. A very nice way to socialize, as usually someone from the meetup group is on the lookout for new participants at events, and makes sure newcomers are introduced to everyone.
Let us know how you are doing in your search, and/or if any of those ideas will work for you.
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missinhard
New Member
A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.
Posts: 12
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by missinhard on Nov 23, 2016 23:47:51 GMT -5
I've actually met someone and so far, we are very sexually compatible. Things have been crazy in my life since I last logged on. My house closed on October 3 and on October 5, I was fired from my job. I'm trying not to get to serious with my new guy but it's so hard not to. He's been very supportive during the craziness. He's very loving and romantic and damn, we rock it in the sack. But I don't want to go too fast and make the same mistake I made with my ex but doing so.
I haven't seen my ex since October 1 and it's been great! To be honest I haven't looked into any support groups.
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