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Post by csl on Aug 8, 2016 7:46:12 GMT -5
I'm very curious as to how that all played out longer term Brother csl. Can you enlighten me ? (Usually, avoidant spouses can't sustain a change in behaviour beyond a few weeks, if at all) You'd be surprised. The blogger who helped me to get up and going was a refusing/gatekeeping wife, and she has had her own blog now for several years. As to Bro. B, that was 4-5 years ago and last I heard, the marriage was healthy. He had prepared for the blow-up and told said steaming wife that if she didn't want to change, there was the door, and when he started looking for an apartment for her, she backed down. He told her that intimacy had to be upped, and that they had to go to counseling, and she had to read Dr. Laura's Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2016 12:37:44 GMT -5
I'm very curious as to how that all played out longer term Brother csl. Can you enlighten me ? (Usually, avoidant spouses can't sustain a change in behaviour beyond a few weeks, if at all) You'd be surprised. The blogger who helped me to get up and going was a refusing/gatekeeping wife, and she has had her own blog now for several years. As to Bro. B, that was 4-5 years ago and last I heard, the marriage was healthy. He had prepared for the blow-up and told said steaming wife that if she didn't want to change, there was the door, and when he started looking for an apartment for her, she backed down. He told her that intimacy had to be upped, and that they had to go to counseling, and she had to read Dr. Laura's Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Thanks for this update. I was curious too. Goes to show you have to call bullshit and mean it if you want anything to change. Not we need to talk about this. Not let's work on communicating. No, if you want change your communication is, this is bullshit and it stops now or here's the door. Then we can go to counseling and talk about why we got in this mess. |
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Post by csl on Aug 8, 2016 12:59:11 GMT -5
@phinheasgage - on my blog, I have a box of my frequent abbreviations, including this one:
IYADWYAD, YAGWYAG™ - "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."
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Post by ricky2669 on Aug 8, 2016 20:03:00 GMT -5
It seems nothing at this point is working. Had a fall out last night because the kids were out of control. I was in a bad mood earlier in the day because of the lack of intimacy. She sensed it and picked up on it. Grabbed me aggressively and pretty much told me it was going to happen later that night. Kissed me, bit my lip, squeezed my ass. So I was of course naturally excited. Cheered up. Then one of the kids did something without asking. And that's all it took. World War 3 was on in our house. She starts yelling and screaming about boundaries etc. I knew it was game off then.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 8, 2016 20:27:36 GMT -5
It seems nothing at this point is working. Had a fall out last night because the kids were out of control. I was in a bad mood earlier in the day because of the lack of intimacy. She sensed it and picked up on it. Grabbed me aggressively and pretty much told me it was going to happen later that night. Kissed me, bit my lip, squeezed my ass. So I was of course naturally excited. Cheered up. Then one of the kids did something without asking. And that's all it took. World War 3 was on in our house. She starts yelling and screaming about boundaries etc. I knew it was game off then. Well... Let's hear some more about that. Why does one disciplinary action with a kid stop intimacy between you two? Why can't that be a ticket to make it even better? A chance to offer a moment of relaxation, trusting your emotions with your spouse, showing a desire for each other, a passion that builds up each other's esteem and leaves troubles behind you? look, I' m no sex therapist, physciatrist, but what if you wrote that on a note and handed it to her? You have nothing to loose, and much to gain! Sadly my fear is, the truth. She is looking for an alibi to avoid it. Whatever issues she has had in the past, whatever lack of confidence, self worth, whatever " the why factor" may be, you will have gone above and beyond to do your part. You can put that in the bank for the future. |
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Post by unmatched on Aug 8, 2016 20:58:15 GMT -5
It seems nothing at this point is working. Had a fall out last night because the kids were out of control. I was in a bad mood earlier in the day because of the lack of intimacy. She sensed it and picked up on it. Grabbed me aggressively and pretty much told me it was going to happen later that night. Kissed me, bit my lip, squeezed my ass. So I was of course naturally excited. Cheered up. Then one of the kids did something without asking. And that's all it took. World War 3 was on in our house. She starts yelling and screaming about boundaries etc. I knew it was game off then. I don't know that nothing is working. You talked to her a couple of days ago and she obviously heard you and felt she wanted to do something about it. That is a good start. And she actually bit your lip and squeezed your ass which suggests that she is probably still interested in sex too. So firstly keep the communication going. And secondly if you are lucky she just showed you exactly what is getting in the way. You need to sort out the dynamics in your house. If she is yelling and screaming about boundaries then she clearly doesn't have any herself. You (both) need to find a way to wall off being a couple from your parenting. And you need to find a way to make it clear to your kids what they can and cannot do and what the consequences are if they step out of line. That way you can try to keep some kind of centre and hopefully both stay relatively calm in the midst of it all. Otherwise if she goes on feeling overwhelmed and powerless she is just not going to feel horny. And if there is that much tension in the house generally it will swamp everything else. I know that is very easy advice to shout from the sidelines  . And not so easy to put into practice. But I suspect this is more a case of your sex life got overwhelmed by everything else more than it being a problem in itself. |
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some help
Aug 9, 2016 0:24:16 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by DryCreek on Aug 9, 2016 0:24:16 GMT -5
ricky2669, I'm with unmatched on this one too. There may be a different dynamic to focus on here, that's blowing you up in the bedroom. Either your wife's propensity to "wind up" your kids into an escalated argument, or the kids' tendency to do the same. It seems like there's real potential there, but her coming to bed pissed off is killing the opportunity - so, tackle the source of that problem. One of my (college-age) kids loves to engage in controversial discussions when we're trying to shutdown the house for the night. They never go anywhere and ultimately cause W to spar with him past bedtime until he does something that pisses her off. I end up feeling like the leftovers I get at the end of the night are a smoldering burnt-out shell. I have had limited success in this one facet by bluntly intervening and telling my son that his time is past, it's bedtime, and he needs to drop the discussion. Not that it's improved my sex life, but at least W isn't coming to bed angry and late.
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Post by unmatched on Aug 9, 2016 1:29:46 GMT -5
The other thing that struck me coming back to this, is that regardless of the fact that your family is patched together from different sources, you and your wife are now the parents. Your relationship is the centre of this new life. You need to be a team, and together you form the rock that your kids grow up on (and smash themselves against).
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 9, 2016 5:52:09 GMT -5
I agree with everyone here about the dynamics of the household getting in the way. Since you guys are communicating about the issue, if it's possible to have a date night and maybe have a night out in a hotel. Check into the hotel first then go to dinner. Bring your bathing suits, make out in the pool or hot tub later at night. No movies so you can keep talking and communicating.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2016 7:53:54 GMT -5
You'd be surprised. The blogger who helped me to get up and going was a refusing/gatekeeping wife, and she has had her own blog now for several years. As to Bro. B, that was 4-5 years ago and last I heard, the marriage was healthy. He had prepared for the blow-up and told said steaming wife that if she didn't want to change, there was the door, and when he started looking for an apartment for her, she backed down. He told her that intimacy had to be upped, and that they had to go to counseling, and she had to read Dr. Laura's Proper Care and Feeding of Husband Thanks for this update. I was curious too. Goes to show you have to call bullshit and mean it if you want anything to change. Not we need to talk about this. Not let's work on communicating. No, if you want change your communication is, this is bullshit and it stops now or here's the door. Then we can go to counseling and talk about why we got in this mess. @phinheasgage Love the idea of separating first and then going to counseling. This may be the real wake up call some people need to change! |
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Post by snowman12345 on Aug 9, 2016 8:55:01 GMT -5
I'm to the point to where I've become withdrawn. No more affection from me until I get some affection. I know how you feel, but look at it this way - refusing her only gives her exactly what she wants: no intimacy. I tried this approach too and nothing changed for a very long time. It wasn't until I made noise about leaving that she grasped how serious I was about the issue. She then became more receptive to my advances, but I learned that sex with someone who really doesn't want you is almost as bad as no sex at all. You have choices ahead of you that may be unpleasant. You can't "fix" the marriage by yourself, but you can change yourself to better meet your needs. Good luck and I hope you find peace.
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Post by nyartgal on Aug 9, 2016 9:15:30 GMT -5
I agree with everyone here that the family stuff if draining/distracting your wife. A blended family involving teenagers sounds really taxing to me!
That said, it sounds like she has kind of decided that it's okay for the family stuff to usurp your sex life, and any excuse relating to the kids is enough to justify her rejecting you (again). It's a bit "when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail." For her, everything looks like a legitimate reason not to have the energy, desire, time, etc for sex. She may in fact have some legitimate reasons, but it's hard to tell because all you see is the outcome, which is no sex.
It seems to me counseling could give you guys a place to talk about things without the distractions of family and house. Ultimatums can work but I think those should be saved for when the other person truly has no good reason to refuse you. It sounds to me like she may have a side of the story that hasn't come out yet.
Also, you guys need a kid free weekend away!!!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2016 11:12:04 GMT -5
Thanks for this update. I was curious too. Goes to show you have to call bullshit and mean it if you want anything to change. Not we need to talk about this. Not let's work on communicating. No, if you want change your communication is, this is bullshit and it stops now or here's the door. Then we can go to counseling and talk about why we got in this mess. @phinheasgage Love the idea of separating first and then going to counseling. This may be the real wake up call some people need to change! Hopefully it won't come to that, but yes if you mean it you have to be prepared to back it up with action. And if you live in a state with a waiting period, this may start the clock..,maybe, maybe not. In my state for example it probably wouldn't count, because the separation begins when one or both move out with the intent of remaining apart permanently. So a trial separation during which you got marriage counseling probably wouldn't count. But each state has its twists. |
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. And not so easy to put into practice. But I suspect this is more a case of your sex life got overwhelmed by everything else more than it being a problem in itself.
