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Post by ricky2669 on Aug 7, 2016 17:03:07 GMT -5
It seems that way. Maybe it's become expected and now no longer appreciated.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 7, 2016 17:14:46 GMT -5
It seems that way. Maybe it's become expected and now no longer appreciated. This same thing came up with my therapist. He pointed out how I continue to jump through her hoops. Another one is how they continue to move the goal post farther and farther away every time. It becomes a double bind. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. And as has been said on here before, the famous," acts of service love language". The more you do, the more it becomes routine and taken advantage of and means nothing. Meanwhile, you're love language is touch. How's it go? " tired, headache, exhausted, children, work, you don't fill my needs, it's not important, I'm not ready, not in the mood." Time to stop giving a and start taking. Gain ground for yourself, and find your joy, with someone else. |
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some help
Aug 7, 2016 17:33:17 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2016 17:33:17 GMT -5
I hear you on the chores thing....I do all the work around the house...she makes sure the tv gets watched... I know our communication and intimacy issues probably come from the same place....she's got what she wants....I do the work... You and Ricky are not alone in this issue. Hell I have had 6 hours of sleep in 2 days. My spouse managed 12 in one day. I remember laughing at this study that said guys that do alot of the housework don't get sex. Well it's true. Probably surveyed some of us here. I think the thing here is they feel no responsibility to the house or the husband. Just to whatever they are feeling...if I did that, this place would fall apart...it's why I won't move out. Imagine a house with 5 dogs and no one ever cleaning? She work 36 hrs a week. I work 50 hrs a week.... yet i end up doing the housework! I just can't let this brand new house get ruined because it wasn't dirty enough for her to get off her ass... lazy in the house, lazy in the bedroom.... I would do everything to take care of a woman who took care of me.... |
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Post by ricky2669 on Aug 7, 2016 17:48:00 GMT -5
You see, the thing is I don't mind doing these things. I've never complained about them or anything that I do. I do it because I live my family. But I also need acknowledgement. I don't do it for sex. But would it hurt every once in awhile to be treated to some intimacy?
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Post by unmatched on Aug 7, 2016 17:53:05 GMT -5
You see, the thing is I don't mind doing these things. I've never complained about them or anything that I do. I do it because I live my family. But I also need acknowledgement. I don't do it for sex. But would it hurt every once in awhile to be treated to some intimacy? Actually I think being treated to intimacy would hurt you a lot. It takes something that needs to be a mutual need and desire and turns it into something she does for you. That is fine if it is part of a normal regular sex life, but if not then that is the point at which you have lost something really important in your relationship. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2016 18:07:20 GMT -5
I tried communicating with her last night what's been bothering me. I told her that I love her, but I can't continue to live like this. She just said yeah, me either. So I asked her if she remembered the last time we were intimate. She said I know it's been a long time. I said it was when we went out of town for your birthday in February. So then I asked her that at anytime in the past 4-5 months has she ever wanted to be intimate with me. And she said yes, but we have had so much going on. Then I ask, why haven't you acted on it? I don't know was the reply I got. I said that's not good enough. She says, we'll it's beens so long that it's awkward. That really crushed me. So now it's awkward!? I'm so hurt, confused and angry. So you mean to tell me that the hugs, and kisses, spooning isn't awkward? Just the sex? Bullshit. I can't keep doing this. And to answer someone else's question do I help around the house and the ages of the kids. We have 2 sons who are 8 and 17. 2 daughters that are 7 and 12. And my daily routine is as follows: I pick the kids up from after school, come home and start dinner, get the kids in the showers and get them to bed. We both work full time. Then I pick my 17yo up from work at 11. I also wash towels and wash cloths , the small ones clothes, do the grocery shopping, run to the store for incidentals , etc. Plus my oldest and I maintain the yard which I enjoy. Plus many other things. Her daily routine is go to work, come home, walk in the door and pet and hug the dogs, go sit in the room. I love her more than I've loved any woman. But damn it, how much longer can this last? I'm so lonely. Totally lopsided relationship. Bullshit indeed. Thank God you see that now, not ten years from now. |
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some help
Aug 7, 2016 18:32:12 GMT -5
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Post by nyartgal on Aug 7, 2016 18:32:12 GMT -5
The good news is that you have already figured out that it's NOT "all good bar the sex" like most people believe when they arrive here (to quote Baz). You already see other issues which are no doubt as problematic as the sex, even though that is the loudest canary in the coal mine. Your relationship has many imbalances and communication issues. You're in an increasing stalemate with both parties standing your ground until the other blinks, but no one is blinking, or budging.
I agree with all the previous commenters that this requires swift and decisive action. Sex is just a symptom of other problems---what those are we have no idea. She's not being honest with you about whatever is driving her disinterest, and until she is nothing will change. The point isn't even her disinterest, is that she doesn't seem to care that it hurts you and the fact of your hurt isn't motivating her to discuss it, work on it, compromise or change her behavior. THAT is the problem.
Good for you for not letting this drag on longer! I hope you can get to the bottom of it as fast as you realized there was a serious issue.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2016 19:41:58 GMT -5
I hear you on the chores thing....I do all the work around the house...she makes sure the tv gets watched... I know our communication and intimacy issues probably come from the same place....she's got what she wants....I do the work... You and Ricky are not alone in this issue. Hell I have had 6 hours of sleep in 2 days. My spouse managed 12 in one day. I remember laughing at this study that said guys that do alot of the housework don't get sex. Well it's true. Probably surveyed some of us here. Of course they don't. They're the givers married to the takers. And who haven't figured it out yet. Playing Mister Mom will not get you laid. |
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some help
Aug 7, 2016 19:54:18 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by litnerd on Aug 7, 2016 19:54:18 GMT -5
You and Ricky are not alone in this issue. Hell I have had 6 hours of sleep in 2 days. My spouse managed 12 in one day. I remember laughing at this study that said guys that do alot of the housework don't get sex. Well it's true. Probably surveyed some of us here. Of course they don't. They're the givers married to the takers. And who haven't figured it out yet. Playing Mister Mom will not get you laid. I think it's VERY dependent upon the partner in question. I have plenty of friends whose husbands do more than half of the housework/child rearing, and those husbands get a lot of sex because their wives aren't running themselves ragged trying to do it all. Personally, I find H much more attractive when he's being a good coparent and occasionally sweeping the floor (not that it makes a difference in our sex life...my toys just get a little more use during those times). Conversely, I have a friend whose husband does almost nothing around the house, and has to be bullied/shamed into actively parenting a lot of the time. He works 40 hours a week with a 30 minute commute, she works 60+ with a 1.5 hour commute (done with a toddler). She does all of the housework, bills/budgeting (he has no concept of money and is very immature about financial decisions), and the lion's share of caring for their 2 year old. She has told me plenty of times that she has no desire to have sex because she's so exhausted from juggling it all. She's also told him this, repeatedly, and he refuses to step up (but still complains that she has no desire for sex). |
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Post by nyartgal on Aug 7, 2016 20:01:26 GMT -5
My husband does easily half of everything, housework, child rearing, etc, and it makes him much sexier to me. The problem isn't the housework, the same way that the problem isn't the sex. It's just a symptom of your shitty marriage!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2016 20:40:38 GMT -5
Of course they don't. They're the givers married to the takers. And who haven't figured it out yet. Playing Mister Mom will not get you laid. I think it's VERY dependent upon the partner in question. I have plenty of friends whose husbands do more than half of the housework/child rearing, and those husbands get a lot of sex because their wives aren't running themselves ragged trying to do it all. Personally, I find H much more attractive when he's being a good coparent and occasionally sweeping the floor (not that it makes a difference in our sex life...my toys just get a little more use during those times). Conversely, I have a friend whose husband does almost nothing around the house, and has to be bullied/shamed into actively parenting a lot of the time. He works 40 hours a week with a 30 minute commute, she works 60+ with a 1.5 hour commute (done with a toddler). She does all of the housework, bills/budgeting (he has no concept of money and is very immature about financial decisions), and the lion's share of caring for their 2 year old. She has told me plenty of times that she has no desire to have sex because she's so exhausted from juggling it all. She's also told him this, repeatedly, and he refuses to step up (but still complains that she has no desire for sex). Yes, you're right in a normal relationship helping around the house will improve your relationship. My gf has a very limited range of motion and can't do things like vacuuming, sweeping, taking out the trash, etc, so I do all that. And I work 45 hours a week and she works zero. And she appreciates this and we have lots of sex. And not because "acts of service" is her love language. What a crock. She hates that I have to do things for her. All I would have to do is eat her pussy every day and she'd be happy. But in a normal relationship being decent human beings to each other pays dividends. Not so in an ILIASM shithole. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2016 20:52:30 GMT -5
I'm to the point to where I've become withdrawn. No more affection from me until I get some affection. , welcome to the club nobody ever wants to be a part of. When my ex started taking the sex away, I was hurt and angry and resentful, and sometimes I wanted to take my affection and love away from him. And, sometimes I did. But I found that it really didn't help matters; in fact, it made things worse. I loved him and I didn't want to hold back my affection. It hurts me to withhold love that I want to give. It's not honest or authentic for me. And, we were either going to stay together, or split up. If we stayed together, withholding my affection only would have slowed down that process. We did agree to part ways - and I think that giving the affection after all was a good thing, in our case. It may have helped the split to be more amicable. I felt there was no benefit in bringing in false hostility - I had enough anger and enough things to say to him as it was. Taking away my affection earlier probably would have set us up for a nastier split later on. I would suggest re-reading what @phinheasgage said in this thread. He got in everything I would recommend. |
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Post by csl on Aug 8, 2016 0:12:57 GMT -5
As to "choreplay", skip it! I'm of an iconoclastic bent. Too many spouses expect to be put on a pedestal; destroy the pedestal. One guy I know figured out that he was doing all the work around the house and providing the only income. One day, he decided to stop the choreplay and treat his wife as an equal. After a couple of weeks, she came at him steaming over lost pampering, and he told her that it was going to stay that way.
When she threatened to leave him, he got a newspaper and started looking for apartments for her. She backed down and agreed to counseling asap, instead, with a side order or regular sex, scheduled if need be.
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some help
Aug 8, 2016 1:09:38 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2016 1:09:38 GMT -5
As to "choreplay", skip it! I'm of an iconoclastic bent. Too many spouses expect to be put on a pedestal; destroy the pedestal. One guy I know figured out that he was doing all the work around the house and providing the only income. One day, he decided to stop the choreplay and treat his wife as an equal. After a couple of weeks, she came at him steaming over lost pampering, and he told her that it was going to stay that way. When she threatened to leave him, he got a newspaper and started looking for apartments for her. She backed down and agreed to counseling asap, instead, with a side order or regular sex, scheduled if need be. ILIASM shithole way: Give your spouse everything they want, at the cost of your own needs, in the hope of a small return of insincere affection. Normal way: Tolerate no bullshit and let the chips fall where they may. |
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Post by baza on Aug 8, 2016 1:18:48 GMT -5
I'm very curious as to how that all played out longer term Brother csl.
Can you enlighten me ?
(Usually, avoidant spouses can't sustain a change in behaviour beyond a few weeks, if at all)
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