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Post by JMX on Apr 6, 2016 22:10:56 GMT -5
I have tons of things to get through before it is actually over -most of them being financial in nature. There's the business of getting over my damaged self-esteem too. I have many more good days than bad days now - so there's that! Yesterday was a bad day, but it hadn't happened for two weeks. I cried a lot yesterday. I got upset because he closes his door at night. It feels so cold to me. Like he is concerned that I am going to jump him in the middle of the night and he needs the heads-up of the door opening to ready him to stave off my advances. Maybe he needed the privacy to whack off. It's equal parts funny and heart-wrenching.
I am over it today - and, as I was washing my face and getting ready for bed, I noticed the indention that my wedding ring had made into my ring finger (off now for a solid 2 months) is fading too. I wonder if when it has completely faded, if I will stop having the bad days. I hope that watching it fade will be a sign that I am able to move on. I hope that it means that we are financially ready to move on. I hope that it means that my heart won't break anymore.
And, it must be said - that ring must have been squeezing the life out of my poor finger!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2016 23:18:50 GMT -5
You know J, I bet that stuff he's doing is designed as simple passive/aggressive behavior to try to boost his damaged ego some. It is the downward spiral of reactions.
Based on what I know of him, I'm pretty sure he's BADLY depressed and heading for a bad place.
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Post by JMX on Apr 7, 2016 6:02:42 GMT -5
I am sure that is right, however, if he could just talk to me and work on it, it never had to be like this. Never. I can easily work through anything. He is making it impossible for me to work on it with him - so, it's over. And sometimes, it makes me sad.
I do hope he is able to get through this and not be depressed and maybe gain some insight or introspection, but I cannot make him do it.
It just sucks.
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Post by Dan on Apr 7, 2016 7:29:46 GMT -5
I do hope he is able to get through this and not be depressed and maybe gain some insight or introspection, but I cannot make him do it. I identify with this: I'm apparently really over-attached to "what will my wife think/feel/do". I'm such a freaking "nice guy" that such concerns are REALLY slowing me down. I used to carry A LOT of anger towards her... and all I could think about was "getting out". At this point I've let a lot of that go, reaching a level of acceptance. So that is good that I'm letting go of the anger, as it tends to poison the heart that holds it. But that allows the compassionate side of me to get heard over the fracas... and it keeps bringing up "but how will SHE feel about this divorce thing?". (This is why I had joined the EP experience "I Wish My Brain Had An Off Switch".)
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Post by JMX on Apr 7, 2016 7:35:12 GMT -5
We can only hope they will be fine. And, it may in fact be a kindness to let them go.
Sometimes when we worry about them moving on - it is really that we think so highly of ourselves (or want to) that we cannot imagine they would be okay without us. Just a thought. It's hard to get over that hump.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 7, 2016 7:49:51 GMT -5
I got upset because he closes his door at night. It feels so cold to me. Like he is concerned that I am going to jump him in the middle of the night and he needs the heads-up of the door opening to ready him to stave off my advances. Maybe he needed the privacy to whack off. It's equal parts funny and heart-wrenching. Could be that he is retreating from his problems. By closing the door, he doesn't have to think about it as much. He may want to sweep it under the rug for as long as possible, until the reality hits. Men are told all there lives, they are supposed to be strong, emotionless, show no fear, independent . Boys aren't supposed to cry. Then comes the confusion of your supposed to keep your wife happy at all times! ( the happy wife, happy life syndrome) the " yes dear" mentality can really drain a man's feelings of, " but I'm supposed to be the leader". It gets confusing for both people involved. He may stay in his state of denial for many years.
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Post by JMX on Apr 7, 2016 8:26:11 GMT -5
I am sure he retreats from all of his problems, actually. As for happy wife, happy life, he never tries any of that and has never taken a leadership role in our relationship. Even when I have actively given him free reign and permission to do so. I asked him one time to negotiate a Domestic Discipline approach in our relationship and he didn't read the articles for a week, so I moved out of our bedroom. So, he finally read the articles and it was too late.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 7, 2016 8:44:53 GMT -5
Endings are never easy. Also, (if your anything like me) There are always the "what if's" and the "If I only..." - but there is also a point where ANYTHING you do isn't making a different. So stay strong and remember - we are here for you.
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Post by JMX on Apr 7, 2016 8:56:52 GMT -5
Thank you.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2016 14:52:26 GMT -5
You know J, I bet that stuff he's doing is designed as simple passive/aggressive behavior to try to boost his damaged ego some. It is the downward spiral of reactions. Based on what I know of him, I'm pretty sure he's BADLY depressed and heading for a bad place. Ha. He's upset because he's losing his meal ticket and his housekeeper.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2016 14:53:32 GMT -5
I do hope he is able to get through this and not be depressed and maybe gain some insight or introspection, but I cannot make him do it. I identify with this: I'm apparently really over-attached to "what will my wife think/feel/do". I'm such a freaking "nice guy" that such concerns are REALLY slowing me down. I used to carry A LOT of anger towards her... and all I could think about was "getting out". At this point I've let a lot of that go, reaching a level of acceptance. So that is good that I'm letting go of the anger, as it tends to poison the heart that holds it. But that allows the compassionate side of me to get heard over the fracas... and it keeps bringing up "but how will SHE feel about this divorce thing?". (This is why I had joined the EP experience "I Wish My Brain Had An Off Switch".) Dan, does she care how YOU feel?
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 7, 2016 15:37:56 GMT -5
I am sure he retreats from all of his problems, actually. As for happy wife, happy life, he never tries any of that and has never taken a leadership role in our relationship. Even when I have actively given him free reign and permission to do so. I asked him one time to negotiate a Domestic Discipline approach in our relationship and he didn't read the articles for a week, so I moved out of our bedroom. So, he finally read the articles and it was too late. Sounds like his problems go much deeper than your relationship. It has had a strong affect on you too! speaking only for myself, a friend listened to my marital problems. At the end he mentioned that I use the words NEVERand ALWAYS often. His therapist taught him that by using those words you are saying that you were there for every second of that persons life, and you know everything they are going to do in the future. That struck home for me, it pointed out that I can come across as never wrong, and blameless. I am now more aware of how I present my thoughts, and concerns with others.
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Post by JMX on Apr 7, 2016 19:28:10 GMT -5
So weird - I keep trying to reply to Greatcoastal and it won't let me - this one is a test.
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Post by JMX on Apr 7, 2016 19:30:09 GMT -5
Okay I figured it out! So sorry - I saw something that I had not seen yet. Anyway - GC - yes, I did say "never" in this instance. I think before ILIASM, I would have easily NOT said that - I have been accused here a lot of defending my husband. HA! I do think it is a valid point and an eye-opener, so I will be on the lookout to see if that is something I do a lot! I don't think I do, but I appreciate you bringing it to my attention
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