omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 20, 2016 6:51:27 GMT -5
Uh NOOOOOO
I planned this all, before my tipping point was reached about one week ago. I wasn't detached when I did all of this planning. 3rd wheel guy, is a good friend. I would NEVER change that definition into lover. and it's not a campsite. It's a rural property that our friend owns.
I guess I was just trying to point out how deluded I have been. Sadly...
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 20, 2016 6:16:19 GMT -5
P.S. a little accountability here, I am doing very well at my detachment so far, taking each day one at a time. He is constantly emotionally resetting, he truly can't believe that I am not fighting anymore. he is pretending that everything is the same. I am really discovering what being the refuser feels like. It's a form of power that is sickening and primitive and dead. And I definitely am not attached to that, it just can't help but be noticed when you are actually refusing somebody. It's very much against my nature and grain.
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 20, 2016 6:13:10 GMT -5
So I have to deal with this summer's plans. You are going to laugh and shake your head at some of this. We have a friend that lives in a beautiful rural area and last summer we set up a semi permanent tent in his yard as we spend a lot of time at a secluded lake out there (with him as the third wheel). I really like this guy, he's a friend of my husband who has become a friend of mine. He's a permanent bachelor with his own intimacy issues. So being the hopeless romantic (new energy behind that definition for us), I bought a new deluxe tent, 10x10 footprint and 7 feet tall and installed a real bed in it (futon)! Can you believe this shit? So that's hanging over my detachment plans.
Then I booked 2 long weekends at a very sweet lakefront cottage for both 4th of July and Labor Day, 4 nights each.
Then! I booked our first 2 week long summer getaway to Downeast Maine, again in 2 different super romantic locations, one is waterfront in Harrington, Maine without electricity and a well for water (that might not sound romantic to you all, but we love this sort of place), No neighbors.
All these romantic stage sets, waiting for the actors who don't know, remember or care about the script.
So....we go as room mates, with my detachment firmly in place? I am at a loss.
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 19, 2016 19:01:27 GMT -5
I keep playing this song, my new theme
I'm goin' to a wedding I'm going to a wedding dressed in black
I'm going to a party Going to party, won't be back And I'm not going with you No
Trees are no longer a comfort Messages sad in the wires My hair is hung down With the blackest of rain that I'm feeling
I'm going to the river I'm going to the river wash my tears
I'm going to the mountains Going to the mountains cool my fears That I'm not going with you No
Skies are no longer a comfort Leaves turning black in the autumn The corn is hung down With the heaviest rain I am feeling
I'm going to a funeral I'm going to a funeral dressed in white
I'm going to a nightclub I'm going to a nightclub to sleep with night And I'm not going with you No
Love is no longer a comfort Fantastic times are forgotten My heart is hung down With the saddest of rain that I'm feeling
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 19, 2016 17:28:23 GMT -5
unmatched I am in this therapy alone (even tho it's called family therapy). We gave up on couples counseling about a year ago. The therapist was skilled and compassionate, but he suggested that my husband needed to go very deeply into his childhood trauma to find the reasons why he is so closed off to love. Needless to say, he didn't follow through on this suggestion. He has stayed with his old familiar therapist, seeing her monthly. He has said at times that she doesn't really help, and yet, he won't change therapists. worksforme2 , not sure that he ever loved me. Not sure he can love, really. He was skilled at faking it, initially. And saying this, he doesn't even know that he is faking it. There is so much denial. He certainly thinks he loves me. It's very sad and sadder still when I lash out at him in utter frustration. This is why I think it's essential for me to truly detach. Because I AM some kind of codependent. How else can I have stayed for 5 years, hoping for a change? And finally, @elle , I know exactly what you are saying and no I truly think it is different this time (not like the previous 40 times). I have never felt the "one day at a time" thing until THIS time.
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 19, 2016 12:19:23 GMT -5
Ok, I have told my refuser that he now can sleep on the couch without my acting like it's not ok. From now on the bedroom is mine and the living room will be his. We started sleeping together in the bedroom about 3 or 4 months ago after a fairly long period of him on the couch. Gradually, he started slipping back to the living room, first by requesting Fridays as a regular night ("I'm so exhausted after the work week and I have to catch up on my sleep." "I really need to stretch my legs." etc. etc.). Then other nights started to creep back like "I can hear the neighbors with the window open". About 2 weeks ago, I tried to slip closer to him. We were babysitting his grandsons and he was on an upper step of my son in laws house . I tried to sit between his legs on the lower step for closeness and touch. He reacted angrily. I persisted (why do we do this?). The next week as the weekend approached I felt a lot of anger myself and it was like the straw that broke the camels back. I told him for about the 40th time in the 5 bad years that we have had together (out of 6 total) that I'm done. This time I think I mean it. I want to take it one day at a time. He keeps trying to reset, but I do not want this to happen. Too many resets that go south quick and I mean quick. I have no idea what to expect, except I want to be kind. I'm so sick of fighting about the "Lack". I'm hoping that eventually I can wear him down with non resistance. Maybe if I don't "fight back" he will eventually move into another bedroom ("No, I don't want that, I want to sleep with you" OH REALLY? ). And then eventually move out?
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 19, 2016 10:18:04 GMT -5
Ok I'm going to post in another section from now on. Thanks for the welcoming words
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 18, 2016 15:40:28 GMT -5
OMG thank you everybody who responded to my despondency...Well, riddle me this. For the first time in a session, I argued with my therapist. She said that our therapeutic relationship was not a place to "solve" the problem. And yet, she seems to be saying that if I can grow up and be less intense in my half, that it would give my husband the room to be affectionate and sexual again. Doesn't this sound like a solution to you? {scratches head} Yes my name is a Nahuatl word for the Tuberose flower. I have a long and abiding interest in all things Mexican. She is more of a coach than a therapist. Her milieu is Bowen family therapy. I sought her out after reading about this therapeutic school and its emphasis on our issues being handed down through generations. I would like to share with you a quote from another website where our mutual problem was the focus.
"Arborgreen, on March 9, 2009 at 7:33 am said:
In the last few years, my husband has opened up enough to talk about how much he was hurt, felt abandoned, rejected etc. by his mother and still is hurt. He really does not see and has no empathy that he is treating me the same way his mother treated him. It seems that he can not grow up, and can not take a step forward to separate emotionally from his childhood. He may be trying to keep some false hope alive that he will someday get what he never got as a child. The problem with that is that you can’t go back, it can’t be fixed, undone or redone. He is hurting the very people who really do love him now. He has talked in person with his mother but she does not see what she has done, she has no remorse. She is just the nicest person when you meet her but very selfish and out of sight out of mind is her way of living. He really has tried to get closer to her but just when he thinks he is making progress she always disappears again. I think this keeps the past alive for him. He is still trying to please her, to have her like him, to have her want him. He wants to be independent and safe by avoiding intimacy. I think he fears acceptance as much as rejection and fears getting too close. It is as though he collects life’s injustices and uses them as an excuse to punish me. He is purposefully driving me away perhaps to continue being a victim so he can say “my mother left me and my wife did too”
I don’t think that he can see that the passive aggressive behaviors are a problem for him and he isn’t uncomfortable enough to change. However, I am uncomfortable and do not want to live for the next 5 or more years on only crumbs of affection. The man can only hesitantly touch my hand or shoulder for a second or two now. And this is only after I have talked with him extensively and he has been in counseling for 8 months. This is as far as he is willing to go and think that it is just the minimum that he is doing to pacify me and make me wait. “Wait” is his favorite game and excuse.
Here is what I would like to say to the passive aggressives out there.
When you stop adding injustices to your collection, when you grow up and stop playing the victim, when you can come to terms with your past and move on into the present, when you can change the misinformation and faulty childish beliefs that guide you, when you let go of your unresolved anger, when you stop hurting others, trying to control, using and manipulating because it makes you feel good, when you stop using lies and excuses to provoke, when you can stop withdrawing and withholding affection, when you can share yourself and actively participate in life, when you can allow yourself to express real affection without any underlying passive aggression, then we can have a relationship.
Arborgreen"
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 17, 2016 14:51:16 GMT -5
Hello everyone. I found this website after searching online for support. I had a session with my therapist this morning and was steered in the direction that she always steers me, to find "my half" of this problem. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what I'm doing to contribute, even if it's only half. I just need some support now. My heart is torn up and I'm so exhausted.
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