omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 22, 2016 5:15:56 GMT -5
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 21:14:30 GMT -5
lwoetin Too bad there aren't more older women here to ask these questions of. Some diminishment in desire has occurred, but not much. I can still have multiple deep orgasms when masturbating, which unfortunately is my source of sexual pleasure these days. I'm sorry that sad old cliches is all that your research was able to turn up.
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 20:40:14 GMT -5
Like worksforme2, I would caution any tendency you might have as a "curious" person, to not go too far down the "why chasing" route - IF such why chasing is trying to figure out "why" your spouse is avoidant. It's a road to nowhere, and you can really burn some time on a pointless exercise. And, even if you fluked finding out "why", it makes not an iota's difference to the avoidant spouses behaviour anyway. Spot on. A big problem for me.
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 20:36:45 GMT -5
Your situation is similar to mine. I know it's very difficult going for years with zero intimacy, and it helps knowing that you're not alone. In this group I have learned how important choice is, and you do have choices. It is up to you to choose the one that works for you, and if you realize it doesn't anymore you can choose again.. We all have three choices ; stay and outsource, stay and find your peace with the situation, or divorce... Take your time and read the stories shared here. Many great people here that have gone through it all and are willing to share their eperiences.. Isabellas39 I absolutely love your point about "if you realize it doesn't anymore you can choose again". Wisdom there, thank you. Right now I am trying to stay and find peace. It's difficult but it's a first step and at least I'm not trying to get water from a stone any longer. One day at a time. Or, as in a phrase I just heard used in the excellent show, "Transparent" - NATO - Not Attached To Outcome.
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 20:32:04 GMT -5
Sorry, but you all need to do some SERIOUS research. Many women. myself included, still have a strong and healthy libido post menopause. in my case, 11 years post menopause.
Why do you think they make and market Estrace and Premarin vaginal cream?
I am deeply saddened by the misinformation and ageism and sexism presented in this thread.
I am 5'7", 135 fit pounds and have the stamina and energy of many 40 somethings.
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 16:54:53 GMT -5
This reminds me of that Native American quote "When in doubt, be still and wait. When you are certain, act with courage" (or something close to that anyway). Your situation feels that way to me. (So does mine, right now.) Maybe therapy will help you to be certain and to act with courage. But if it doesn't, it's OK to be still and wait too. I love this, it's so apropos. Thanks again, @elle
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 6:50:51 GMT -5
Maybe there can't be "a plan". Since none of us can ever know what the future will be. Except I don't wanna fight no more. I want my heart and soul to feel clean and pure and I want to spread my wings and FLY!
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 6:47:51 GMT -5
unmatched, You get it. And actually, since I am going forward one day at a time, I'm not certain of the answer to this. Beyond the fact that I no longer want to engage in this struggle. It's very complex, right?
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 6:40:51 GMT -5
Not sure what he would think of my musings on the site. I'm starting to realize that in reality, I actually don't really know too much about him...Weird.
And, no, I wouldn't be affected by discovery. I had a post to another forum on my desktop that explained some of my frustrations and experiences. He read it, copied it and brought it to his therapist. Without telling me. (I just found this out a few days ago, though it had been on there for about 6 months and it happened months ago). He told me that she was deeply saddened by what I had written and was commiserating with me. I asked him if he had expected a different outcome when he showed it to her (I called him Passive Aggressive in it). He said No but I don't believe this.
The very sad thing is that I think HE believes that he didn't expect an outcome that supported his position. Denial, denial and denial. It starts deep within the denier and the first to experience the denial is the denier himself.
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 6:32:24 GMT -5
I would like to mention that a big part of our usual reset process, is for me to ask him to move out. The fact that I am not doing this is huge for both him and myself.
I'm trying to note any differences happening now. Trying to see if this time IS truly different.
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 5:56:53 GMT -5
Sometimes I worry that I will be a "turn-off" because I am a person who is really trying to find answers, solutions and reasons why. I'm very interested in psychology and how we all ended up in this situation, both our partners and ourselves. I guess you could call me "intense" but this quality adds to my life in many ways. Curiosity is a big part of who I am.
Anybody else out there who wonders if they might come across as too intense or dark?
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 5:49:56 GMT -5
Good morning all and thanks for your support. Next weekend being memorial day is likely that the tent will beckon (weather dependent). Also, first hang out with Friend, since my new practice of detachment. Actually, this present day is the first weekend day with refuser since detachment. We usually spend the weekends avoiding or being in disagreement, sometimes very painfully. Learning my detachment style is interesting. How to remain in detachment without being unkind? I am usually the one to try to "talk" about the issues and I can tell that he is waiting for this to happen. Part of our typical reset pattern. He's also doing many things to please me and to get along, some quite uncharacteristic. Like making supper last night, that was refreshing. I haven't had much appetite and I have been nibbling randomly (lost a few pounds, lol). The most interesting thing is not trying to talk about the discomfort, but rather just being with it.
Anyway, this should probably be in my detachment thread. I loved reading about vacation plans and dreams. I hope we can all have nice experiences this summer.
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 20, 2016 21:17:49 GMT -5
"Therapist told me my statements were all about him and what he is or isn't doing still"
Yep, my therapist said last meeting that I was expending all of my emotional energy on him. It's late and I'm going to bed,But I definitely want to revisit this thread. Because I think she's wrong. We cannot help but spend a huge majority of it on them, as their negative interactions with us are taking every bit of oxygen out of the room. They are our partners and we do live, eat, breathe and sometimes sleep in the same bedroom. But, damn, I love my dog, my parrot, my garden, my sisters, my friends and many other things. And I expend wonderful emotional energy on all of them.
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 20, 2016 21:08:48 GMT -5
Yes, Isabellas39, do you have a plan? I'm a big believer in a plan. Unless staying is the plan. And that can be legit, as well.
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 20, 2016 9:41:51 GMT -5
@elle you truly "get it". Thank you.
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