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Post by baza on Apr 10, 2023 22:39:06 GMT -5
What Brother mirrororchid says above is hugely relevant. If you don't - or won't - manage your financial affairs, then someone else will. That 'someone' might be a spendthrift spouse running things into the ditch, or it may be your credit card providor, or whoever holds the mortgage on your house. Rest assured that if you cede control of your finances, then others will be running your show, and believe me, they will make whatever choices they deem to be in their best interests, not yours. For example, in my jurisdiction, the card companies carry an interest rate of around 20% .... lets look at that in action. Lets say you owe about $3,000 at the end of January. The minimum payment needed is about $ 57 per month. That will cover the months interest - about $50 - and about $ 7 of the principle If that $ 57 per month continues it will take you about 45 years to pay it off. By which time you'll have paid about $16,000 in interest, plus the $3,000. Do the math. It is a rort, and you are getting fucked over. Again, if you can't or won't manage your finances, then someone else will - and they will manage them based on what's good for them, not you. In truth Brother clarkjobe , I dunno how you can afford to stay together. It looks like your missus has trashed her finances and is now working her way through yours.
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Post by baza on Apr 8, 2023 19:22:39 GMT -5
Really, this group is all about sorting out one's own shit, examining our own role in the ILIASM situation. And that is a huge undertaking, requiring some very challenging work with very little in the way of instant gratification. But if you are pepared to do the work, you will be able to bring your situation (particularly your marital situation) to resolution. Here is where a counsellor may prove a great resource to help you hrough your process. Indeed, if you get your own shit sorted out as a priority, you will handle other matters, particularly your marriage, from a position of empowerment. Some relationships will be enhanced by this approach. Some relationships will fundamentally change during the process (for the better / worse) Some relationships will be redefined. Some relationships will be re-affirmed. Some new relationships will emerge. Some old relationships may end. But if you've got your shit sorted out, you will come out the other end of this with a truth based outcome. And you can't do much better than that. Good luck Brother carpy .
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Post by baza on Apr 6, 2023 21:07:26 GMT -5
Reading your run of posts Brother clarkjobe , it appears that the sexual aspect of your deal is just one of many issues evident in your ILIASM situation, and probably not even the main issue. And, it looks like you are the only one trying to address the issue(s). Your missus appears to actually be an impediment to your efforts. Based solely on what you have written in your posts, she comes across as a selfish twat. It is going to be a hell of a job to bring this situation to resolution. I'm sure this is not news to you. So much of life these days depends on "money" so that might be the place to start. The escalation of your card debt is alarming, the fact that the card will max out soon is doublingly worrying. Maybe you need to consult a financial advisor, lay your position on the table and see what advice you get. If you were to get that financial issue under some sort of control, then you might be in a position to start working on the next thing. The lack of sex issue is a looong way down the list I think. Probably the least of your problems at this point.
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Post by baza on Apr 6, 2023 19:39:33 GMT -5
Quoting you here Brother carpy - "My question for the group is: has anyone else had this experience? And has anyone every had any success in a choosing to stay situation where more dates, intimacy,sharing made any difference at all?" Short answer is "no" and I've been a member of the old EP group and then this group since Feb 2009. See, the thing is that it doesn't matter a rats arse whether she is demisexual or not. The fact is that anyway you look at it, YOU are disenfranchised in this relationship and "why" this is so isn't greatly important. Any "why" is pretty much as good as another. It will bring the sexual aspect of the union to a screeching halt. Suggestion Stop "why chasing" as it is a road to nowhere. Stop taking your missus' inventory as in these situations it doesn't matter one iota whose fault it is that has brought this situation about. It may well be the time to direct your focus off your missus and your past and concentrate on you and your future. Sorry that you are in this situation Brother carpy .
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Post by baza on Apr 3, 2023 23:33:46 GMT -5
Well, apart from the futility of "why" chasing, the same can be said of "blame" apportioning.
In ILIASM situations who is 'right' or who is 'wrong' doesn't particularly matter, and again it's not a productive area to expend time and energy on.
You might never find out "why" your spouse is as he is. And you could be as 'right' as right can be about it being predominantly his fault that the situation has turned out as it has.
But neither of these things ("why" chasing or "blame" apportioning) do anything at all to bring the situation to resolution.
That is the frustrating thing about ILIASM situations .... one can be absolutely in the right, but that counts for nothing.
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Post by baza on Apr 3, 2023 3:05:02 GMT -5
Watched the video, in and of itself it is interesting enough in as much as 4 "why's" are examined.
The thing is, that knowing the "why" doesn't actually solve anything. And, you can waste a lot of energy and time in chasing the "why". Time and energy that might best be directed elsewhere.
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Post by baza on Mar 27, 2023 20:29:32 GMT -5
Was just looking around the ILIASM site, and saw that the 2,000 member mark has just clicked over.
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Post by baza on Mar 26, 2023 18:47:55 GMT -5
In these ILIASM situations a big problem is the lack of alternative you have. But what you can do is construct yourself an alternative. You do this by consulting a lawyer in your jurisdiction to find out - theoretically - how a divorce would shake out for you. Within those parameters you put together - theoretically - an exit strategy addressing things like where you'd live and suchlike. You attend to your network of friends as they will be - theoretically - a great source of support for you through what would theoretically be one of the most difficult processes you might undertake. You would also research eveything you can about shepherding any minor children through such a - theoretical - chain of events. It's hard work with very little immediate gratification. But, if you do the work, you will have created a theoretical alternative to staying in your ILIASM situation. Whether you'd actually action your alternative plan is another matter, but you sure as shit will not be exercising such a plan if you ain't got such a plan. You need such a plan - any married person needs an alternative plan because ALL marriages end, death/divorce see to that fact. Good luck Brother fd1 . You have a hard road ahead of you, whichever way you end up choosing. My "tip" on having the discussion is this - don't have the discussion. At least until you have created your alternative because then you'd be discussing the matter from a stronger position.
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Post by baza on Mar 14, 2023 20:07:34 GMT -5
I gather from Brother heelots postings that the facts at this moment are that the joint and divisable net assets for heelots and Mrs heelots is pretty ratshit. And, were the situation that heelots and Mrs heelots divorced then heelots financial position would still be ratshit - and Mrs heelots would likewise be in ratshit financial shape. So it comes down to a matter where either way the financial shape is ratshit. Under such circumstances does one want to have the added problem of being in an ILIASM shithole, or not. And that is a question that confronts all of us, and a question to which there is no "correct" answer .... just YOUR answer to YOUR unique situation. Personally, when I was dealing with my situation, I preferred to take my share (over which I had full control and responsibility) rather than remain in a share of a joint situation. This is not a suggestion, nor advice. It is just what I chose under my circumstances.
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Post by baza on Mar 14, 2023 18:08:38 GMT -5
In my case I had informed my Brother that I would likely be looking for somewhere to live for about 4 weeks whilst I figured out a more permanent arrangement for my future.
The arrangent was that I would look after his farm as he and his missus took a well deserved holiday. Anyway, I left in late 2009 and off to the farm I went.
The deal was they charged me no rent, and I charged them nothing for my labour.
I had about $4k in cash, everything else was tied up in joint situations with my missus, so I was living very frugally until such time as we divvyed up the joint assets.
But that was my temporary solution at the time. It wasn't much fun, but as well as a roof over my head it was a great opportunity for some introspection and sorting my own shit out.
As it turned out, I ended up choosing to stay in the area, I'm still there now, as is the delectable Ms enna.
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Post by baza on Feb 23, 2023 17:39:27 GMT -5
It is a key point Sister northstarmom makes - "who cares for the carer ?" The role of "carer" can wear you down to a point where the quality of care you provide can suffer. And what happens in a situation where the carer goes under a bus causing a sudden cessation of care ? Who cares for you Brother catlover ?
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Post by baza on Feb 22, 2023 22:38:07 GMT -5
Quoting you here Brother dawgxl ..."I guess my question is.. is anyone else in the same boat as me… in a sexless marriage… but then your partner/spouse who is the one in the relationship who doesn’t want sex had an affair." I'd bet good money that within the membership others have in the past, and maybe even now will have had this experience you have posted. Brother Apocrypha is probably the resident expert in this area of ILIASM so it might be smart to read his assorted posts on this (and other) issues. Anyway, we all arrive here along our individual path to ILIASM. And from there we all start even with each other, The roads IN to ILIASM vary. The road OUT of ILIASM is far more limited and difficult. There are 3 options ... 1 - You stay in your ILIASM deal 2 - You cheat (outsource, open the marriage in some form) 3 - You leave They are all perfectly legitimate choices (and ALL horrendously difficult i their own way). A lot of reading in here is what I'd suggest Brother dawgxlFind your feet in the group, use what you find useful.
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Post by baza on Feb 21, 2023 22:54:18 GMT -5
Liked the article Sister northstarmom . Watch she didn't mention is what we in turn (the ILIASM generation) are modelling for our children.
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Post by baza on Feb 20, 2023 22:39:33 GMT -5
Good luck Sister dallasgia . The wind is with you at this time, make the most of it. Save all that self flagellation and who betrayed who thinking for later ... much later. It isn't going to help in the here and now. The mission is getting out.
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Post by baza on Feb 17, 2023 19:49:09 GMT -5
There is one thing you can take to the bank in ILIASM deals Brother kpslick . And that is that prolonged exposure to an ILIASM shithole does your head in, gets you thinking weird shit, gets you making poor choices, gets you on a downward trajectory and the whole thing feeds back on itself in a continuous loop. You really need to be at your best to deal with an ILIASM situation. Usually, in an ILIASM situation, you are nowhere near your best. Zipcode therapy can be a good idea - getting away from the situation for a while so you can think clearly and objectively without the daily toxins the ILIASM dynamic provides. I think that focusing on sorting your own shit out is a pretty good policy.
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