Post by greatcoastal on Oct 29, 2022 9:24:14 GMT -5
penandblot.medium.com/the-talking-stage-is-a-scam-here-s-how-to-avoid-it-25d6a2d4f7b4
The ‘Talking Stage’ is a Scam — Here’s How to Avoid It
Gen Z has finally coined a new term for that awkward, albeit exciting, period between meeting someone and officially defining the relationship (DTR) — the talking stage.
You may be wondering how this is different from conventional dating. Well, more often than not, the talking stage is characterized by a drawn-out period of texting under the guise of ‘getting to know each other,’ as opposed to going on actual dates.
While the back and forth may seem harmless enough (and even kind of fun), I’m here to convince you that the talking stage is complete bullshit. Not only is it unnecessary, but it’s also counterproductive if your end goal is a relationship with that person.
Here’s why you should skip it altogether.
What actually happens during the talking stage?
On the surface, it sounds very benign, but let’s take a closer look at what it is and why it’s potentially problematic.
Typically, the talking stage is initiated after matching with a person on a dating app. The implicit mutual interest of swiping right is then quickly followed by witty banter beguiling textual chemistry. Under normal circumstances, such a spark would inevitably lead to a first date. If that went well, more would ensue, eventually culminating in a committed relationship (or fizzling out as your incompatibilities are unveiled.)
However, with the emergence of the talking stage, progressing past virtual communication has become a challenging feat. It’s a dangerous trap to fall into because the regular texting gives the impression of forming an emotional connection with this person. You might even become ‘loyal’ to them.
In reality, the relationship is usually confined to texting and you don’t actually know this person. However, it’s not uncommon to get ‘dumped’ months into the talking stage after you express the desire to DTR.
Embarassing, but we’ve all been there.
However, what’s interesting is that it seems to be a relatively new phenomenon. I have some theories why.
Why is the talking stage even a thing?
The first theory is that the talking stage is a product of the rise in popularity of dating apps. Never before can you ‘meet’ so many potential partners in one hour without even leaving the house. The downside of this, of course, is that it magnifies what I like to call ‘greener pastures syndrome.’ You could match with someone and really hit it off. They check a lot of boxes, but because it’s so easy to meet new people, you never want to fully commit because something better might be just another swipe away.
This increase in accessibility to potential dates poses a problem because we can’t physically date them all. It would take a lot of time and energy to meet up with each of our matches so the relationships become confined to our phones to save us the hassle. Ironically though, spending months getting to know someone over the phone has turned into one of the biggest time wasters in modern dating.
It has given rise to the talking stage, whereby initial intrigue is followed by weeks, and often months, of digital courtship that hints at the possibility of a relationship without ever materializing into a physical one.
Or at least, that’s one theory. The other is that the talking phase is really just about ego.
Let me explain.
The way I see it is that there’s a subtle difference between the talking phase and dating — and that’s intention.
With dating, the intention of both parties is to genuinely get to know the other person through physically going on dates with the end goal of entering into a committed relationship. It may not end up that way, but the intention was there.
Conversely, the talking stage is more about seeking validation from the other person than evaluating the potential for a relationship — that would require hanging out with us in a variety of different settings. Matches who want to text for weeks on end aren’t really interested in getting to know us. They want a pen pal who reminds them that they’re wanted.
So how do you differentiate?
There are two important metrics to consider when navigating early relationships to avoid getting stuck in another futile talking phase:
Time spent in ambiguity
Balance of effort versus intimacy
Time spent in ambiguity
The first differentiator between a time-waster and a potential partner is the length of time you spend in ambiguity about the relationship. When you’re stuck in the talking stage, the time spent emotionally invested without officially DTRing is painfully drawn out. If you talk almost every day, and have subconsciously stopped pursuing other options, but you still haven’t put a label on it, that doesn’t bode well.
I’ll level with you. I’ve been in 3 serious relationships and in each one of those it didn’t take longer than a few weeks (definitely not longer than a month) to determine whether or not we liked each other enough to officially date. If someone is telling you they still need to get to know you, they don’t really want to. It doesn’t take months to decide.
Plus, someone who has gotten to know you and wants to officially date you won’t mess around. They will be the ones asking to define the relationship early on because they’re eager to become exclusive.
The balance of intimacy and effort
The second major differentiator between the talking stage and dating is that with the talking stage, there is intimacy without effort. For example, the relationship evolves almost exclusively over text (low effort) and you engage in sexually charged text exchanges or deep conversations with this person (highly intimate), sometimes before meeting in person.
With dating, effort proceeds intimacy. You go out on dates (high effort), and you get to know each other on a superficial level at first (career, hobbies/interests, etc.) As you become more comfortable with each other and progress from more formal dates to hanging out and spending time together (lower effort), the level of intimacy tends to increase naturally.
You know you’re stuck in the talking stage when effort starts low and remains low, but the level of intimacy is high right off the bat. You stay up until 2AM every night texting them but rarely see them in person.
This is problematic because it creates a false emotional connection. We think we have a connection with the person on the other side of the phone because we’ve been vulnerable with them. In reality, we don’t really know them. We’ve only experienced them on their terms — in a very controlled, indirect, and arguably inauthentic way.
This also makes us inflate their character to match our level of emotional commitment. We tend to put them on a pedestal. We rule out other viable options in pursuit of what will soon become a stagnant situationship. We waste our own time by convincing ourselves that they need more time to figure out what they want while we wait around knowing perfectly well that we want to date them.
Final Thoughts
You don’t need a talking stage if your goal is a relationship. It’s an emotional investment trap akin to love bombing. Don’t fall for it.
You get to know someone, not over texting, but through experiencing different things with them which encompasses both texting and interacting in a variety of different settings. If they wanted to get to know you, they would take you on a date. They’d put in face time. They would be keen to remove any ambiguity about your relationship at the first opportunity.
Simply put, if they want to date you, you’ll know almost right away. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.
The ‘Talking Stage’ is a Scam — Here’s How to Avoid It
Gen Z has finally coined a new term for that awkward, albeit exciting, period between meeting someone and officially defining the relationship (DTR) — the talking stage.
You may be wondering how this is different from conventional dating. Well, more often than not, the talking stage is characterized by a drawn-out period of texting under the guise of ‘getting to know each other,’ as opposed to going on actual dates.
While the back and forth may seem harmless enough (and even kind of fun), I’m here to convince you that the talking stage is complete bullshit. Not only is it unnecessary, but it’s also counterproductive if your end goal is a relationship with that person.
Here’s why you should skip it altogether.
What actually happens during the talking stage?
On the surface, it sounds very benign, but let’s take a closer look at what it is and why it’s potentially problematic.
Typically, the talking stage is initiated after matching with a person on a dating app. The implicit mutual interest of swiping right is then quickly followed by witty banter beguiling textual chemistry. Under normal circumstances, such a spark would inevitably lead to a first date. If that went well, more would ensue, eventually culminating in a committed relationship (or fizzling out as your incompatibilities are unveiled.)
However, with the emergence of the talking stage, progressing past virtual communication has become a challenging feat. It’s a dangerous trap to fall into because the regular texting gives the impression of forming an emotional connection with this person. You might even become ‘loyal’ to them.
In reality, the relationship is usually confined to texting and you don’t actually know this person. However, it’s not uncommon to get ‘dumped’ months into the talking stage after you express the desire to DTR.
Embarassing, but we’ve all been there.
However, what’s interesting is that it seems to be a relatively new phenomenon. I have some theories why.
Why is the talking stage even a thing?
The first theory is that the talking stage is a product of the rise in popularity of dating apps. Never before can you ‘meet’ so many potential partners in one hour without even leaving the house. The downside of this, of course, is that it magnifies what I like to call ‘greener pastures syndrome.’ You could match with someone and really hit it off. They check a lot of boxes, but because it’s so easy to meet new people, you never want to fully commit because something better might be just another swipe away.
This increase in accessibility to potential dates poses a problem because we can’t physically date them all. It would take a lot of time and energy to meet up with each of our matches so the relationships become confined to our phones to save us the hassle. Ironically though, spending months getting to know someone over the phone has turned into one of the biggest time wasters in modern dating.
It has given rise to the talking stage, whereby initial intrigue is followed by weeks, and often months, of digital courtship that hints at the possibility of a relationship without ever materializing into a physical one.
Or at least, that’s one theory. The other is that the talking phase is really just about ego.
Let me explain.
The way I see it is that there’s a subtle difference between the talking phase and dating — and that’s intention.
With dating, the intention of both parties is to genuinely get to know the other person through physically going on dates with the end goal of entering into a committed relationship. It may not end up that way, but the intention was there.
Conversely, the talking stage is more about seeking validation from the other person than evaluating the potential for a relationship — that would require hanging out with us in a variety of different settings. Matches who want to text for weeks on end aren’t really interested in getting to know us. They want a pen pal who reminds them that they’re wanted.
So how do you differentiate?
There are two important metrics to consider when navigating early relationships to avoid getting stuck in another futile talking phase:
Time spent in ambiguity
Balance of effort versus intimacy
Time spent in ambiguity
The first differentiator between a time-waster and a potential partner is the length of time you spend in ambiguity about the relationship. When you’re stuck in the talking stage, the time spent emotionally invested without officially DTRing is painfully drawn out. If you talk almost every day, and have subconsciously stopped pursuing other options, but you still haven’t put a label on it, that doesn’t bode well.
I’ll level with you. I’ve been in 3 serious relationships and in each one of those it didn’t take longer than a few weeks (definitely not longer than a month) to determine whether or not we liked each other enough to officially date. If someone is telling you they still need to get to know you, they don’t really want to. It doesn’t take months to decide.
Plus, someone who has gotten to know you and wants to officially date you won’t mess around. They will be the ones asking to define the relationship early on because they’re eager to become exclusive.
The balance of intimacy and effort
The second major differentiator between the talking stage and dating is that with the talking stage, there is intimacy without effort. For example, the relationship evolves almost exclusively over text (low effort) and you engage in sexually charged text exchanges or deep conversations with this person (highly intimate), sometimes before meeting in person.
With dating, effort proceeds intimacy. You go out on dates (high effort), and you get to know each other on a superficial level at first (career, hobbies/interests, etc.) As you become more comfortable with each other and progress from more formal dates to hanging out and spending time together (lower effort), the level of intimacy tends to increase naturally.
You know you’re stuck in the talking stage when effort starts low and remains low, but the level of intimacy is high right off the bat. You stay up until 2AM every night texting them but rarely see them in person.
This is problematic because it creates a false emotional connection. We think we have a connection with the person on the other side of the phone because we’ve been vulnerable with them. In reality, we don’t really know them. We’ve only experienced them on their terms — in a very controlled, indirect, and arguably inauthentic way.
This also makes us inflate their character to match our level of emotional commitment. We tend to put them on a pedestal. We rule out other viable options in pursuit of what will soon become a stagnant situationship. We waste our own time by convincing ourselves that they need more time to figure out what they want while we wait around knowing perfectly well that we want to date them.
Final Thoughts
You don’t need a talking stage if your goal is a relationship. It’s an emotional investment trap akin to love bombing. Don’t fall for it.
You get to know someone, not over texting, but through experiencing different things with them which encompasses both texting and interacting in a variety of different settings. If they wanted to get to know you, they would take you on a date. They’d put in face time. They would be keen to remove any ambiguity about your relationship at the first opportunity.
Simply put, if they want to date you, you’ll know almost right away. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.