mar615
New Member
It has been a long time since I have been here and posted. I am still in a SM, going on 4 years!
Posts: 8
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Post by mar615 on May 3, 2022 16:51:06 GMT -5
It has been a long time since posting. I’m so freaking depressed about my situation. We we’re having sex maybe 4 times a year. Now nothing. He is shut down. I have to drag everything out of him. We both have depression but he doesn’t manage it well. I go to therapy and see a psychiatrist and take meds. I’m looking up real estate listings, planning my escape. I never want to be married again and I am imagining my life without him. I don’t need anybody. I would rather be alone than live like this. When he goes out of town, I LOVE it. The ONLY reason I don’t leave is because I care about my H and it would destroy him although I don’t think I love with him anymore. He gets devastated if I tell him I want to go on a walk by myself.
I wonder if I have no interest in him because he doesn’t care if he ever has sex again (Age 68). It just hurts too much to care. Also, I’m not a caregiver. I don’t have that gene. No children. A wise woman once told me that if I am not happy now, get out before the inevitable health issues if you are not equipped or are not committed to take care of a sick person (potential Parkinson’s). “If you don’t love them now, trust me, you will resent every minute of caregiving”, my friend would say.
I have plenty of money, and will be inheriting plenty of money. There is no abuse, addiction or adultery. So most of my friends don’t understand why I want to leave.
Am I crazy?
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Post by mirrororchid on May 3, 2022 18:13:57 GMT -5
It has been a long time since posting. I’m so freaking depressed about my situation. We we’re having sex maybe 4 times a year. Now nothing. He is shut down. I have to drag everything out of him. We both have depression but he doesn’t manage it well. I go to therapy and see a psychiatrist and take meds. I’m looking up real estate listings, planning my escape. I never want to be married again and I am imagining my life without him. I don’t need anybody. I would rather be alone than live like this. When he goes out of town, I LOVE it. The ONLY reason I don’t leave is because I care about my H and it would destroy him although I don’t think I love with him anymore. He gets devastated if I tell him I want to go on a walk by myself. I wonder if I have no interest in him because he doesn’t care if he ever has sex again (Age 68). It just hurts too much to care. Also, I’m not a caregiver. I don’t have that gene. No children. A wise woman once told me that if I am not happy now, get out before the inevitable health issues if you are not equipped or are not committed to take care of a sick person (potential Parkinson’s). “If you don’t love them now, trust me, you will resent every minute of caregiving”, my friend would say. I have plenty of money, and will be inheriting plenty of money. There is no abuse, addiction or adultery. So most of my friends don’t understand why I want to leave. Am I crazy? What is good and bad? The quarterly sessions, then nothing seems up front and center. Opening the marriage could help. But then you say you're happy when he's gone. Is that co-dependency crying out for more time apart? (hobbies you don't share? weekend getaways with friends?) Or maybe he's just tough to be around, flat out. You don't think you love him anymore. Why do you think you still might? You have money for someone to take care of you if you have no husband, nor kids. Maybe Medicaid would provide home nursing? He may be seen as too rich for that assistance if you're married. (Maybe not your circus, not your monkeys.)
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Post by jim44444 on May 3, 2022 19:23:08 GMT -5
... The ONLY reason I don’t leave is because I care about my H and it would destroy him although I don’t think I love with him anymore. He gets devastated if I tell him I want to go on a walk by myself. It sounds like he has found your Achilles heel and knows how to manipulate you. Are you crazy for staying? Or are you crazy for wanting to leave? Only you can answer those questions. Which option will support your best life?
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mar615
New Member
It has been a long time since I have been here and posted. I am still in a SM, going on 4 years!
Posts: 8
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Post by mar615 on May 3, 2022 20:36:06 GMT -5
mirroirorchid: "Is that co-dependency crying out for more time apart?"
What do you mean by that? I don't think I am co-dependent. I don't NEED anybody and I don't need to take care of other people to the detriment of myself. How does enjoying my own space make me codependent?
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Post by sadkat on May 3, 2022 22:39:28 GMT -5
Your friend is very wise! The resentment will be there anyway, regardless of whether or not you are caring for a sick partner. It will just be that much worse if he gets sick and you have the added burden of having to care for him. Plus, it's much harder to leave if you're the caregiver. It's definitely not an easy decision but delaying can have pretty serious consequences. If you are even contemplating leaving, it's best to have an exit plan. It won't cost you anything and you will be prepared should you decide that leaving is the best option.
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Post by mirrororchid on May 4, 2022 5:49:30 GMT -5
mirroirorchid: "Is that co-dependency crying out for more time apart?" What do you mean by that? I don't think I am co-dependent. I don't NEED anybody and I don't need to take care of other people to the detriment of myself. How does enjoying my own space make me codependent? I'm likely barking up the wrong tree. The way you wrote it, I assumed (likely incorrectly) that you don't go out for that walk. Is that a new behavior? Had you stayed in with your husband, despite your preference to walk? Or maybe you never entertained his requests to restrict your desires, no matter how innocuous? Indulging our partner's needs at the sacrifice of our own is co-dependent on the giver/supplier/provider side. It provides the sacrificing partner with a sense of commitment, nobility, investment, and permanence. It reduces their sense of identity and knowledge of personal priorities. I see it as an excess of a useful kind of behavior that helps make marriages work.
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Post by jim44444 on May 4, 2022 9:17:54 GMT -5
Your friend is very wise! The resentment will be there anyway, regardless of whether or not you are caring for a sick partner. It will just be that much worse if he gets sick and you have the added burden of having to care for him. Plus, it's much harder to leave if you're the caregiver. ... And mar615 said The resentment will occur no matter how altruistic your motivations are. You will think of the times when your refuser was fine but they could not be bothered with your needs. You will think of the times when your refuser was not OK but continued to function but put your needs on hold. You will have resentment. I would suggest that all of us consider the possibility that we become the one needing care. If we are ill and unable to care for ourselves will our refuses care for us? Will they have compassion and empathy to take on that role? Fortunately for me I can say she would.
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Post by angeleyes65 on May 4, 2022 15:37:37 GMT -5
It has been a long time since posting. I’m so freaking depressed about my situation. We we’re having sex maybe 4 times a year. Now nothing. He is shut down. I have to drag everything out of him. We both have depression but he doesn’t manage it well. I go to therapy and see a psychiatrist and take meds. I’m looking up real estate listings, planning my escape. I never want to be married again and I am imagining my life without him. I don’t need anybody. I would rather be alone than live like this. When he goes out of town, I LOVE it. The ONLY reason I don’t leave is because I care about my H and it would destroy him although I don’t think I love with him anymore. He gets devastated if I tell him I want to go on a walk by myself. I wonder if I have no interest in him because he doesn’t care if he ever has sex again (Age 68). It just hurts too much to care. Also, I’m not a caregiver. I don’t have that gene. No children. A wise woman once told me that if I am not happy now, get out before the inevitable health issues if you are not equipped or are not committed to take care of a sick person (potential Parkinson’s). “If you don’t love them now, trust me, you will resent every minute of caregiving”, my friend would say. I have plenty of money, and will be inheriting plenty of money. There is no abuse, addiction or adultery. So most of my friends don’t understand why I want to leave. Am I crazy? My H also suffered from depression one of the main reasons I stayed so long. I was actually worried he may kill himself or both of us. I worried about our grown kids and his family if he did. He also made me feel bad about doing things without him and also made me miserable if he did it with me. I just couldn't be happy for 2 people. He took the meds but didn't go to counseling . But for the most part he was fine as long as he knew I would stay. I finally started to do the things I wanted to do without him. He didn't care about my needs and wants.. turn around is fair play. I had him take over doing things for himself like making doctor appts, calling for refills on scripts. I did fall out of love with him,hard to love someone that doesn't care about your unhappiness with the situation I told him I was moving out. Rented an apartment and got on with my life You are not crazy more reasons to divorce than abuse, infidelity and addiction. Your real friends will understand and support you.
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mar615
New Member
It has been a long time since I have been here and posted. I am still in a SM, going on 4 years!
Posts: 8
|
Post by mar615 on May 5, 2022 19:04:49 GMT -5
mirroirorchid: "Is that co-dependency crying out for more time apart?" What do you mean by that? I don't think I am co-dependent. I don't NEED anybody and I don't need to take care of other people to the detriment of myself. How does enjoying my own space make me codependent? I'm likely barking up the wrong tree. The way you wrote it, I assumed (likely incorrectly) that you don't go out for that walk. Is that a new behavior? Had you stayed in with your husband, despite your preference to walk? Or maybe you never entertained his requests to restrict your desires, no matter how innocuous? Indulging our partner's needs at the sacrifice of our own is co-dependent on the giver/supplier/provider side. It provides the sacrificing partner with a sense of commitment, nobility, investment, and permanence. It reduces their sense of identity and knowledge of personal priorities. I see it as an excess of a useful kind of behavior that helps make marriages work.
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Post by ironhamster on May 6, 2022 1:02:32 GMT -5
It has been a long time since posting. I’m so freaking depressed about my situation. We we’re having sex maybe 4 times a year. Now nothing. He is shut down. I have to drag everything out of him. We both have depression but he doesn’t manage it well. I go to therapy and see a psychiatrist and take meds. I’m looking up real estate listings, planning my escape. I never want to be married again and I am imagining my life without him. I don’t need anybody. I would rather be alone than live like this. When he goes out of town, I LOVE it. The ONLY reason I don’t leave is because I care about my H and it would destroy him although I don’t think I love with him anymore. He gets devastated if I tell him I want to go on a walk by myself. I wonder if I have no interest in him because he doesn’t care if he ever has sex again (Age 68). It just hurts too much to care. Also, I’m not a caregiver. I don’t have that gene. No children. A wise woman once told me that if I am not happy now, get out before the inevitable health issues if you are not equipped or are not committed to take care of a sick person (potential Parkinson’s). “If you don’t love them now, trust me, you will resent every minute of caregiving”, my friend would say. I have plenty of money, and will be inheriting plenty of money. There is no abuse, addiction or adultery. So most of my friends don’t understand why I want to leave. Am I crazy? No. You are not crazy. Life is too short to live without sex. You are blessed with abundance, and there is a world of opportunity out there. Fly. Be free!
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