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Post by lulyhernandez on Jan 16, 2022 18:35:07 GMT -5
I've lost track on the last time we've had done the deed. I've stopped giving O to him as well. Since having the second baby, I feel like he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I've worked hard to try to lose weight the first time with our 1st born. I knew being a certain weight will hurt me health wise. I did pretty good. Then I felt a shift when I got pregnant again. We actually attempted the swingers thing. I wasn't too thrilled of it. So with the pregnancy putting a stop to that, I felt like he resented me. Like it's my fault? It takes two to tango but that's not how he thought of it. This is all my speculation. I gained away yet again. The heaviest I've been in life. Aaannnddd the amount of sex happening became less and less frequent. He watches more and more p0rn. What he looks at and what I look like is complete opposites so I shut down. I tried to feel and look attractive. I'm not ugly neither just overweight. So does appearances make someone libido go down? Or is it my actions, personality, demands?? Im also not perfect neither. I try my best to have everything done. The cleaning, the cooking, the laundry. I've stayed up late at times to make sure things are done. Like I said, I'm not perfect. Maybe I am not communicating correctly. Who am I kidding? When I ask him about me and how I look... its the non response look in his face..the starting comment of "well that shirt or those pants , I don't like it" whereas before.. he could barely get a sentence out without kissing me. Maybe it's the demand of kids. I don't know. I found this forum in hopes to talk it out. Feel like I am a part of something. Right now I feel so alone. My friends don't experience this. My siblings don't neither. I Thank you in advance.
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Post by baza on Jan 16, 2022 20:10:03 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Sister lulyhernandez . Reading extensively can be a good idea to help in getting a handle on your situation. Observation - It is highly unlikely that your situation reflects badly on you, your attractiveness or your femininity or your sexiness. Nor is it likely that gaining (or losing) of weight has much to do with your spouses' withdrawal. Anyway, hope you find some helpful stuff in here.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 16, 2022 22:56:37 GMT -5
Greetings, lulyhernandez. I'm sorry to hear of your situation and what led you to find us, but welcome to the club nobody wants to be a member of. This happened right after you had kids. In my case, my wife went from runway model thin to chubby with our first. While I would have preferred her to have not put on so much weight, that is normal for most women. I never found her unattractive because of her changing body. You might want to look up "Madonna Whore Complex." That is a mental disorder on the part of the husband where he loses interest after a child is born, because in his mind he would prefer an eternal Virgin.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 17, 2022 7:52:23 GMT -5
... Since having the second baby, I feel like he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I've worked hard to try to lose weight the first time with our 1st born. I ...I felt a shift when I got pregnant again. We actually attempted the swingers thing. I wasn't too thrilled of it. So with the pregnancy putting a stop to that, I felt like he resented me. Like it's my fault? It takes two to tango but that's not how he thought of it. ... I gained away yet again. The heaviest I've been in life. Aaannnddd the amount of sex happening became less and less frequent. He watches more and more p0rn. What he looks at and what I look like is complete opposites so I shut down. I tried to feel and look attractive. I'm not ugly neither just overweight. So does appearance make someone libido go down? Or is it my actions, personality, demands?? I'm also not perfect neither. I try my best to have everything done. The cleaning, the cooking, the laundry. I've stayed up late at times to make sure things are done. Like I said, I'm not perfect. Maybe I am not communicating correctly. ...When I ask him about me and how I look... its the non response look in his face.. the starting comment of "well that shirt or those pants , I don't like it" whereas before.. he could barely get a sentence out without kissing me. ironhamster has the same thought I did. He may have shifted his thoughts to you being a wholesome mom for his kids and not someone to rut with. I don't get it, myself, but it's common enough to have a special name, as Ironhamster pointed out. The swinger thing might fit. He wants a woman to do carnal things with and preserve his wholesome parental relationship with you. It makes all the more sense if he was nervous about you landing a lover. All the better if you are chaste for everyone. You said swinging wasn't for you. Maybe he was subtly discouraging your enthusiasm so he could sate his lust while staying devoted to his marriage/family. Not all of this was necessarily conscious. He speaks of your clothing. That dodges the question about your body. Does he want to avoid looking at you in terms of sexual attraction? Would he prefer you put it out of your mind as well, so he focuses on its coverings? A "non-response" may not be revulsion. It may be a disconnect from a masculine attribute he finds shameful and actively represses for the sake of his vision of a perfect family. Does religion feed in here? As odd as it sounds for a Godly man to want to swing, a compartmentalization would allow for acknowledging his lust and perhaps what he grew up seeing: parents that demonstrated no sexuality between them. (Maybe there was none and he's re-creating the dynamic his boyhood mind saw as the model?) I'm closing out with fury on your behalf if...and it's a small if... he doesn't find you sexually attractive because your housework isn't up to his standards. He'd need a time machine set for 1950. Cripes. You don't look like porn? Almost no women do. That bar you're setting for yourself or that he's setting for you is ludicrous. Porn with chubby women is out there, but it's most certainly a niche. Some guys see it as a bit perverted to enjoy it. If weight is an issue, perhaps you can see if you're willing to meet his shallow standards. But it's entirely fair to not be held to standards of an industry whose sole job is to find the conventionally hottest, sexiest people alive and that if you accomplish his primitive, eye-rolling "goals" for you, that he step up and ravish you. Heck, run the porn on the TV next to the bed, and spin some fantasies if he wants. Make it happen, stud.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2022 16:38:20 GMT -5
I don’t know why they stop being interested in us. I too thought it was my ugliness or skinny ness. But then why not leave us? Why marry in the first place. I think it’s all about attraction. You know, that you see them across a room, they are exactly your type, they like everything about them….and we no longer check those boxes.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 24, 2022 0:37:09 GMT -5
Why not leave us? Why marry us in the first place?
Not everyone is looking for the same thing in a relationship. Maybe they don't have any sexual needs, but want to fit into society, and if they are married they have a built in excuse for not accepting sexual advances. Maybe they like the financial support and lifestyle the refused partner provides. Maybe they get an emotionally boosting power trip by being able to frustrate the one person they should be loving instead.
But, truth be known, the answer to these questions doesn't matter. It is what it is, and the refusers are not going to change.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 24, 2022 22:06:36 GMT -5
I don’t know why they stop being interested in us. I too thought it was my ugliness or skinny ness. But then why not leave us? Why marry in the first place. I think it’s all about attraction. You know, that you see them across a room, they are exactly your type, they like everything about them….and we no longer check those boxes. Who is the "they" and who is the "us"? --- It sounds like the OP is concerned about her appearance after gaining a lot of weight. This was a concern for me as well in my own situation. This is a thing you can actually control. It's worth thinking about fitness as its own reward, rather than thinking of it only in terms of what it might deliver in your marriage. If you were a single person in the dating world, maintaining a healthy weight and an attractive physique would still make things easier than not doing that. This is what helped me reverse my trajectory and add to my quality of life overall. The OP compared herself to the models in the porn her husband watched. I'd be wary of tying these things too closely together. Porn is a solitary, fantasy activity and is what people turn to when they aren't interested so much in what's available. It doesn't necessarily follow that the porn models are what's preferred in real life. It does follow that some some kind of libido exists, but that it's not presently associated with the OP. Take away the porn, and it doesn't necessarily follow that interest rises again with the OP, but rather than it goes into some other solitary low effort outlet. Your appearance does not make someone else's libido decrease. Rather, if one is no longer attracted, that libido gets directed elsewhere.
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