Cant seem to cross the threshold Sept 15, 2019 2:23:49 GMT -5 greatcoastal, twotimesone, and 2 more like this
Post by crazyheart on Sept 15, 2019 2:23:49 GMT -5
Hi - Newbie here - I thought I was the only one with issues until I came across this forum recently. Seeing the great support here, wanted to share and vent I suppose.
Me - 52M HL and W is 49 LL I suppose. Married for 20 years. Generally good sex life for the first 10 years - nothing spectacular but I was content with 2x a week. Plain vanilla for most part except I enjoyed giving her Oral and that is the only thing she would allow apart from quick PIV. No other reciprocation nor much of foreplay (except a few times) - but I was Ok. I am very giving, enjoy pleasuring a woman very much but I married her and felt things would getter in due time.
Intimacy started dropping off about 10 years ago, I initially did not understand what was going on, blamed myself and worked harder to impress her - obviously nothing worked. Last four years we probably had it less than 6 times with 4 of them in last months (reset sex). I went through all the emotions you all are very familiar with including feeling rejected, wanting to kill myself a few times, lost, and jeez I dont even have the energy to type the negative feelings.
I voiced my discontent several times and her responses have been pretty much that all I think of is sex; she is not my puppet; we have great life -why cant I be happy without sex. There is no other intimacy as well at least for past 6 years - no touching her in bed, no cuddling, cant sit next to her on the couch, no other small gestures of affection that involved touching, no french kissing for 10 years - just short peck on the cheek.
We have two kids - one in college and the other going to college next year. She has been a great mother, does not spend much money on herself, forgives my shortcomings most of the time and I think she really does love me and wants to see me happy. She just cant seem to understand why I even give importance to intimacy.
Since January I have been much more serious in voicing my feelings about the lack of intimacy and brought up the idea that I would leave if there was no solution. She hit menopause a couple of years ago and did not even want to try HRT until her hotflashes became terrible a year ago. She pretty much said that I dont have any moral values since I am trying to rip apart the family just for stupid sex and that commitment means nothing to me. She works now but was a stay at home mom for a long time (her choice) and that I am rewarding her loyalty and dedication to the marriage by jump dumping her for sex.
She refused to go to couples counseling but In April We both agreed that we should give a shot at improving intimacy. I did explain to her that its not the physical act of sex but over all intimacy. I am not sure got anything but she did make an attempt (I did try to improve my communication skills as she requested) - she started to give a kiss on the lips morning and evening and allowed to touch her a few times while in the kitchen. In 3 months we have sex 2 times - both quickies (" I am ready - just do it cant wait") and even had difficult time geting hard that quick especially with no foreplay and no lights. End of 3 months we went on vacation and again quickies on 2 consecutive nights and I asked her why the need to rush and this is not what I had in mind when I asked for intimacy. Her response - well all you want is sex.
I was totally turned off and I told her that I am done trying and she needs to come back with a solution. Nothing from her for last few months and I bring it up and of course the same old story repeats that I am never happy and that am the worst person on the planet because I am giving importance to sex over everything else we have and I should act my age and not be immature like a teenager etc. I dont budge and she ultimately says that she will never ever have sex and that she cant and that we are better off divorcing. She calls and tells both our families that as well as kids.
We have draft separation agreement yesterday and a lawyer has the documents needed to file. But she has been very passive aggressive and emotionally blackmailing and making me feel guilty more than anything else.
Sorry - I did not intend this to be this long.
I know in my heart that staying in the marriage will leave me dissatisfied. I thought of this many many times over the past five years and I know that no matter how many times and ways I tell myself that I can try to be happy without intimacy - i know that I will want it and just be resentful and angry at my W and some day will just up and leave. But I also fell really lousy and sad that I am the one breaking up an other wise good marriage and create a split family for the kids and the unknown consequences and ways this might affect them. I just cant get myself to tell the lawyers to file the papers - it will be quick and done in six months as W agreed to equal split. I think she is just mad at me and does not want to live with me anymore as in her view I am not committed to marriage as in until death do us apart. I just keep replaying the same movie in my head - that I cant be happy if I stay but boy I am the worst dad and husband to break the family.
I am seeing a therapist myself tomorrow and hope I will have the strength to go through with my decision soon. Its wishful thinking at this point but - but if only I could have some intimacy and 1xweek sex that fulfilling, I would not be here.