Good reading - definitely makes me think about how little 'fun' my husband is. We have never 'had a laugh' and life is so serious for him. He has to 'earn' rest or downtime, through exercising or working hard. He isn't allowed fun for fun's sake. I thought his serious side was good husband/partner material but 20yrs + down the line I realise it is just plain dull! I thought he had a great sense of humour as he was always so smiley and laughing loudly. 20yrs+ and I realise that that is just a front for nervousness and a desire to fit in. He laughs inappropriately all the time. It's a learnt response from childhood - if I smile and chuckle everything will be OK, people will like me, Dad will stop smacking me. It is not real but it took me a long time to spot it. Now his booming laughter just irritates the hell out of me, especially if he is on the phone when he sounds like the funnest guy around, call ends, phone goes down and it is back to Mr Serious. All a facade.
Part 1 had me thinking, finding the right partner was next to impossible to find and determine. It might take dating 100 people because there were many examples of decent future partners but not really good long term partners without serious compromises.
Part 2 with its "Traffic Test" looked more promising. I then wondered how well I passed the "Traffic Test."
A Traffic Test-passing friendship entails:
A great sense of humor click. No one wants to spend 50 years fake laughing. Fun. And the ability to extract fun out of unfun situations—airport delays, long drives, errands. Not surprisingly, studies suggest that the amount of fun a couple has is a strong predictor for their future.6 A respect for each other’s brains and way of thinking. A life partner doubles as a career/life therapist, and if you don’t respect the way someone thinks, you’re not going to want to tell them your thoughts on work each day, or on anything else interesting that pops into your head, because you won’t really care that much what they have to say about it. A decent number of common interests, activities, and people-preferences. Otherwise a lot of what makes you ‘you’ will inevitably become a much smaller part of your life, and you and your life partner will struggle to find enjoyable ways to spend a free Saturday together.
Yes, very good. I read some of the John Gottman stuff when I was unhappily married. It made me realise things were pretty hopeless. I think it also helped me choose better the 2nd time around. My guy is far from perfect, but like the blog post says - the vibe is very good. Our imperfections mesh well (except for untidyness - which we both are). And Im never in doubt that he wants me to be happy. And we have so much fun. And we have weird fun that many other people wouldn't find fun. Everything from dirty sex (which a lot of people, but not everyone would find fun) to a shared love of live folk gigs (smaller set of people?) to spending hours looking at carbonate rocks (a surprisingly small set of people). But we also have fun when we do clean up the house, build a bike shed in the garden, prepare dinner, etc. Life isn't 100% fun, but my partner makes my life more fun than it would otherwise be.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
petrushka: In my world view, you are buying into some really shitty memes there.
Nov 5, 2019 17:25:20 GMT -5
apocrypha: The "feminist agenda" has changed across the past 60 years. Some feminists of the 60's call the current iteration "fainting couch feminism", thinking it a subversion and betrayal of women's lib. Hard to get a bead on what folks think, using a broad label.
Nov 8, 2019 9:37:14 GMT -5
apocrypha: No aspect of that article (which I amount to a magazine offering bad diet advice) promotes rape, coercion (beyond seduction), sexual assault, and I don't understand your public performance suggesting that they would be and thus implicating bfar.
Nov 8, 2019 9:41:51 GMT -5
mirrororchid: pfar, being sensitive means understanding how others think and feel. It doesn't mean you are compelled to adopt their thoughts and feelings. This is a matter of understanding people including loved ones. If you aren't sensitive, you lack tools to
Nov 11, 2019 8:09:49 GMT -5
mirrororchid: live well. You need not soften, but you should be able to understand vulnerability. Recognizing others' distress provides me with cues when I need to use self-control or extend help. If you're strong, you should be helping others. Use what works.
Nov 11, 2019 8:14:06 GMT -5
worksforme2: You know who I miss ...I miss smartkat and andie..and snowman 12345
Nov 14, 2019 9:16:44 GMT -5