okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jun 17, 2019 20:25:14 GMT -5
Remember how you feel today. It will not get better. I have been in a SM for 20 years. My youngest is in High school. How many hours have I spent being the best father of my kids but unhappy in the bedroom (or couch). My wife is an awesome person. she is loving, kind, thoughtful, gorgeous, and almost celibate. How will you really feel in 2, 5, 10, 17 years. Might be mostly unhappy like me or you might be paying away your paycheck for child support seeing them every other weekend..... Wishing you would have had that child with your new love....
Kids are not the answer for your failing love life.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 18, 2019 21:51:10 GMT -5
I disagree. By all means have the second child. I had a son about 4 years after my daughter and about 6 years into my sexless marriage. My life became much more interesting over the next 14 years as I descended into alcoholism, contemplated suicide, and an almost complete cut off of sex (if I begged hard enough she'd lie there and acquiece from time to time). By the end, I even resented my son's existence (something I had to come to grips with at AA) as his birth prolonged the suffering. I formulated a 6 year plan to leave when he graduated. I made it about 2 years before the divorce finalized. We stayed together long enough to accumulate a nice nest egg that we split. 5 years of child support will run another 120k which is spent on necessities such as maid service and spa membership. On the bright side my state doesn't award alimony so I don't have a situation like ironhamster who has to shell out 30 percent of his income essentially for life. Oh and when you finally DO get out just be prepared to have some issues with the equipment working as it used to. Fortunately that will likely pass, but a couple decades in one of these things can really do a mind fuck on you. So, I'll buck the trend here. Bring another person into the mix. It will be a wild ride. Lots of interesting experiences. You will learn much about yourselves. Why not have another child with this woman? (disclaimer: I am not in sales by profession, so my pitch may be a bit weak)
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Post by Handy on Jun 18, 2019 21:57:21 GMT -5
shamwow, you forgot some things. If the new girlfriend (not BOC) wants to do things but you don't have the $$ because you have to send $$$$ to the X and kids, the new GF might just resent that you can't be all hers. Yes, some new GFs resent the man's previous obligations.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 18, 2019 22:02:19 GMT -5
shamwow, you forgot some things. If the new girlfriend (not BOC) wants to do things but you don't have the $$ because you have to send $$$$ to the X and kids, the new GF might just resent that you can't be all hers. Yes, some new GFs resent the man's previous obligations. That one actually depends. Even with child support (which I actually agree with) I'm still ahead of where I was when married. I found the financial leak and find I have more money than before.
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Post by Handy on Jun 18, 2019 22:22:18 GMT -5
OK Shamwow, I have a financial leaker now, the W. The money mostly goes to catalog purchases.
Some men don't earn all that much money by what some second W's post on some relationship forums. The second W post that she resents the XW for draining her husband's income and this makes the second work more than she wanted or longer than she planned.
It takes finance to have a romance.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2019 20:13:35 GMT -5
I'm going to buck the trend. I personally feel that, often, 2 people come together just for the purpose of having their children. Once the children are born, the connection may wane. The two may or may not stay together. But the purpose - the children - is never regretted, imho. To the OP, I was in a very similar position. When my firstborn was 2, I knew I would need to leave one day. But I felt the same as you, I wanted more children but by the same man. I had no desire to do the multiple "baby daddy" thing either. So I had another. And I have NEVER, not ONCE, EVER regretted it. My children are, hands down, the best thing I have ever done in my life. My only regret is that I didn't have at least one more. But that may have made leaving impossible. So, I'm happy with 2.
In a nutshell, I say - go for it! You care for your wife. There are other ways to deal with sex if you get desperate. But kids? Irreplaceable. I can't imagine lying on my deathbed lamenting sexlessness. However, I can totally imagine lying there and regretting not having my kids, if that were the case.
Good luck to you!
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 20, 2019 4:25:49 GMT -5
I love my kids a shit ton...I mean a lot. Who doesnt. But I have also had to endure periods of resentment. Flashjohn said:”You will not regret the child, but you will regret the lost years.” He may very well resent the child especially if after that pregnancy occurs his wife completely shuts off affection to him and gives all of her love to the children.
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Post by heathcliff on Jun 20, 2019 7:45:35 GMT -5
As with many here, I periodically have the talk, which invariably ends in the same tears and defensive accusations. The odd reset sex. It's not as bad as some; 10 minutes of mannequin sex every 2 or 3 months. I feel similar rejection and hopelessness, but I love my baby son and, frankly would endure hot poker torture not to be millimetre further from him than necessary. Another baby is being planned. I'd love another baby, I love my wife and I'm still in love with her, I just want a complete marriage. Other than this topic, she's cool, clever and funny and I certainly couldn't be bothered with a patchwork Jerry Springer array of "baby mothers", paying for multiple houses and coordinating alternating weekend distant visits, so I accept I'm either having this child or no more children. So here's the question: I'm going nowhere for at least another 17 years anyway, why shouldn't I have another baby? Your assessment of the situation is mostly correct. Once you have the first child, your options for a second child get pretty limited outside of your current marriage. Financially, divorce is catastrophic unless you AND your wife are making good money. Even if you both have good jobs, your standard of living will decline if you split the household, and that will impact your children. Supporting two households gets even more difficult if you choose (and get the opportunity) to remarry and have kids with a second wife. Beyond the financial issues, being an attentive father and not leaving your kids feeling abandoned is difficult in a situation where there are literally two separate families. Furthermore, your first child will never have a natural sibling if you walk out now.
Having a child is always a difficult decision for a man for the simple reason that we do not have a womb so we can't just decide to have a child any time we want. Men have to get a woman to love us, commit to us, and want to have a baby with us. It is particularly difficult to do if you are coming from a complicated former relationship that has financial strings with it. As a result, men have to make compromises if they want to be fathers in a way that women do not. I am sure everyone can come up with exceptions where you can be a father again, but those are all so unlikely or such bad ideas that they prove my point. If you are already in your 30's, your current wife is probably your last best chance to have another child.
Just to warn you, as virtually every poster that I have read on this board would point out, your wife is never going to change, and you will probably never have a "complete" marriage in terms of intimacy. She is who she is, and she will probably not be someone new and better 5 years from now, at least not with you. There are alternatives, which are covered in other threads on this board.
At some point as you are thinking through this, you may start to feel like you are making a selfish decision by having a second child given your situation. Don't. If you are confident that you and your wife are both capable of loving your children and being good parents, then your child can still have a great childhood and wonderful life.
I made a similar decision over 10 years ago. While I regret a lot of things about my marriage, having a second child after I knew I was in a sexless marriage is not one of them.
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Post by homeless on Jun 21, 2019 4:14:12 GMT -5
Just to say, peeps, a lot of incredibly useful advice there from a lot of perspectives and I'm genuinely truly grateful to all of you who've taken the time to offer it. Still far from having a clue about the next steps, but really helpful to have so many people who've been in a similar situation letting me know their experiences.
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 25, 2019 1:31:43 GMT -5
So, don't expect anything to get any better. Don't expect her to bond with sex. Don't expect her to like sex. Don't expect her to understand your desire for sex. Don't expect your need for sex to wane.
^this
My wife wanted kids 14yrs ago. Our sex life was just as you described yours. Starfish sex every 60days. After kids (had twins) sex went out window for decade. Now I'm not saying don't have kids and call a divorce attorney. Just saying I'm 13yrs ahead of you. I am still married. Barely. We have begun to revitalize our marriage, but it's far too early to predict if our renewed interest in each other will last.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 25, 2019 10:20:45 GMT -5
Homeless said: “I'd love another baby, I love my wife and I'm still in love with her, I just want a complete marriage. Other than this topic, she's cool, clever and funny and I certainly couldn't be bothered with a patchwork Jerry Springer array of "baby mothers", paying for multiple houses and coordinating alternating weekend distant visits, so I accept I'm either having this child or no more children.”
Divorcing and eventually marrying and having a child with a sexually compatible woman is not the same as a “Jerry Springer array of baby mamas.”
Life is not as black and white as you imagine nor are your choices.
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