What I trained myself to learn with her is that I could not really rely on what she said. Talking didn't really mean much. I had to look to the actions and results as actual indicators of her intent. And, then, attach my own actions and real world consequences to her actions.
Daddeeo's Creed: I need to keep moving forward to show the world the best me even when situations or persons seem to want to bring out the worst
Authentic validation is possible when you maintain frame and seek it from within
Post by tooyoungtobeold on Aug 22, 2019 17:31:05 GMT -5
I never did an ultimatum because I knew it would be b.s. In the work world, I can be a bit of a hard ass negotiating and that's only possible if they know you'll follow through and/or walk away. Same in relationships.
An aspect of one of Brother larry101 's recent posts prompt this post.
I'm interested in the memberships opinion about ultimatums to refusing spouses.
Now the ultimate sanction you can apply to a refusing spouse is to inform them that if they don't lift their game then you are outta there .... which, obviously you have to be prepared to do.
What I'm looking at here is the next level down - a step down from the above - an ultimatum that you WERE prepared to give and WERE prepared to do.
A theoretical example ....
Maybe you said to your spouse something like - "If you do not see a professional about your issues within 14 days, I am putting the relationship on room mate status"
Excluding the "lift your game or I'm outta here", what "lesser" ultimatums have you tried ?
What was the issue that you were prepared to stand your ground over ? What form did your ultimatum take ? What happened .... did you have to deliver the consequence ? If it provoked a change in action by your spouse, was the change sustained ?
This subject has never really been explored at any depth in the group (as far as I recall) There rarely seems to be any middle ground on ultimatums, rather, it seems to be at one extreme where there is no ultimatum issued to the other end where the ultimate ultimatum is given. And nothing much in between.
This might apply in my case baza My husband went out of his way to avoid having a 'real' conversation about anything to do with emotional or sexual needs for our entire relationship. He finds it almost impossible to talk about his own feelings, never mind take mine seriously. Just before I found my way to ILIASM I did give him an ultimatum of sorts. I explained that lack of sex and affection was severely impacting my mental health and I needed to try finding some kind of support group online or I would have no choice but to start talking to someone in real life. My H is averse to people knowing about his asexuality so he agreed it made sense for me to find people in the same situation as me, privately. He did ask if it was 'helping' and I said yes, it's both reassuring and sad to know that lots of people are stuck in sexless marriages. He wasn't so keen on me stating it clearly like that and hasn't asked again. His stated biggest fear is that I will leave him, so, the next 'ultimatum' that I issued was, during our intense discussions, to again explain very clearly how horrible it's been to be deprived of intimacy all these years and then state that if we are to stay together I will need to find what I need elsewhere. He agreed that I should outsource rather than risk losing me completely. It's still pretty crap to find myself in this 'new' SM deal but, it's an improvement of sorts and I am relieved that I don't have to sneak around behind his back.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
solodriver: Thanks warmways
Oct 30, 2019 23:36:15 GMT -5
RealMustangGuy: When using a member's username in a post, how does one get it to be in different color and work as a link? I can type in the name but after posting it doesn't look the same as when others use member's usernames in their posts.
Nov 2, 2019 11:37:25 GMT -5
bfar: Just stumbled on this article:https://masculinebydesign.com/sexless-marriage-is-symptomatic-of-emasculated-husbands/ was more than a little disconcerting. Are we digging ourselves further in the hole by trying to be all enlightened and sensitive?
Nov 3, 2019 13:46:42 GMT -5
petrushka: Mate, what's the alternative to all enlightened and sensitive here? Rape? Coercion? Sexual assault? Thanks, but I can do better than being a complete arsehole (or psychopath for that matter).
Nov 3, 2019 21:11:53 GMT -5
bfar: Petrushka... I'm just wondering if we shot ourselves in the foot, as it were, by giving giving up on our strength, and giving in to the feminist agenda of making men irrelevant.
Nov 5, 2019 11:30:21 GMT -5
petrushka: Sorry, I don't buy into that at all. I'm not giving up anything. I've been into the "feminist agenda" for nearly 60 years. Having an empowered partner empowers me. I want strong women around me who take responsibility for themselves and who can face me
Nov 5, 2019 17:20:16 GMT -5
petrushka: I see 'strong men', and controlling bullies, as basically weak, lacking confidence and self esteem -- hence they think they need to assert themselves that way. I loathe patriarchy as much as matriarchy. Partners should be equals.
Nov 5, 2019 17:24:43 GMT -5
petrushka: In my world view, you are buying into some really shitty memes there.
Nov 5, 2019 17:25:20 GMT -5
apocrypha: The "feminist agenda" has changed across the past 60 years. Some feminists of the 60's call the current iteration "fainting couch feminism", thinking it a subversion and betrayal of women's lib. Hard to get a bead on what folks think, using a broad label.
Nov 8, 2019 9:37:14 GMT -5
apocrypha: No aspect of that article (which I amount to a magazine offering bad diet advice) promotes rape, coercion (beyond seduction), sexual assault, and I don't understand your public performance suggesting that they would be and thus implicating bfar.
Nov 8, 2019 9:41:51 GMT -5
mirrororchid: pfar, being sensitive means understanding how others think and feel. It doesn't mean you are compelled to adopt their thoughts and feelings. This is a matter of understanding people including loved ones. If you aren't sensitive, you lack tools to
Nov 11, 2019 8:09:49 GMT -5
mirrororchid: live well. You need not soften, but you should be able to understand vulnerability. Recognizing others' distress provides me with cues when I need to use self-control or extend help. If you're strong, you should be helping others. Use what works.
Nov 11, 2019 8:14:06 GMT -5
worksforme2: You know who I miss ...I miss smartkat and andie..and snowman 12345
Nov 14, 2019 9:16:44 GMT -5