What I trained myself to learn with her is that I could not really rely on what she said. Talking didn't really mean much. I had to look to the actions and results as actual indicators of her intent. And, then, attach my own actions and real world consequences to her actions.
Daddeeo's Creed: I need to keep moving forward to show the world the best me even when situations or persons seem to want to bring out the worst
Authentic validation is possible when you maintain frame and seek it from within
Post by tooyoungtobeold on Aug 22, 2019 17:31:05 GMT -5
I never did an ultimatum because I knew it would be b.s. In the work world, I can be a bit of a hard ass negotiating and that's only possible if they know you'll follow through and/or walk away. Same in relationships.
An aspect of one of Brother larry101 's recent posts prompt this post.
I'm interested in the memberships opinion about ultimatums to refusing spouses.
Now the ultimate sanction you can apply to a refusing spouse is to inform them that if they don't lift their game then you are outta there .... which, obviously you have to be prepared to do.
What I'm looking at here is the next level down - a step down from the above - an ultimatum that you WERE prepared to give and WERE prepared to do.
A theoretical example ....
Maybe you said to your spouse something like - "If you do not see a professional about your issues within 14 days, I am putting the relationship on room mate status"
Excluding the "lift your game or I'm outta here", what "lesser" ultimatums have you tried ?
What was the issue that you were prepared to stand your ground over ? What form did your ultimatum take ? What happened .... did you have to deliver the consequence ? If it provoked a change in action by your spouse, was the change sustained ?
This subject has never really been explored at any depth in the group (as far as I recall) There rarely seems to be any middle ground on ultimatums, rather, it seems to be at one extreme where there is no ultimatum issued to the other end where the ultimate ultimatum is given. And nothing much in between.
This might apply in my case baza My husband went out of his way to avoid having a 'real' conversation about anything to do with emotional or sexual needs for our entire relationship. He finds it almost impossible to talk about his own feelings, never mind take mine seriously. Just before I found my way to ILIASM I did give him an ultimatum of sorts. I explained that lack of sex and affection was severely impacting my mental health and I needed to try finding some kind of support group online or I would have no choice but to start talking to someone in real life. My H is averse to people knowing about his asexuality so he agreed it made sense for me to find people in the same situation as me, privately. He did ask if it was 'helping' and I said yes, it's both reassuring and sad to know that lots of people are stuck in sexless marriages. He wasn't so keen on me stating it clearly like that and hasn't asked again. His stated biggest fear is that I will leave him, so, the next 'ultimatum' that I issued was, during our intense discussions, to again explain very clearly how horrible it's been to be deprived of intimacy all these years and then state that if we are to stay together I will need to find what I need elsewhere. He agreed that I should outsource rather than risk losing me completely. It's still pretty crap to find myself in this 'new' SM deal but, it's an improvement of sorts and I am relieved that I don't have to sneak around behind his back.
frednsa: i saw something on the wedding night (in the 60's) should have ended it during the honeymoon. i was played so perfectly. she is so wonderful in almost every other way, so...still wondering...thinking frigidity is a real thing and untreatable
Aug 29, 2019 12:07:04 GMT -5
worksforme2: Tomorrow is Labor Day 2019, no big plans for the day....thinking seriously of going commando
Sept 1, 2019 11:37:07 GMT -5
worksforme2: Hey ironhamster...I just saw your picture on another site and your head wasn't covered. You actually look better without the bandana....
Sept 2, 2019 11:54:55 GMT -5
javba: Dunno Iron Hamster - I have not seen your other photo - I think you ROCK anyways.
Sept 4, 2019 10:11:42 GMT -5
worksforme2: Happened across Tamara68 on another site, messaged her but she didn't respond...
Sept 15, 2019 13:13:02 GMT -5
elkclan2: Dealing with an escaped gerbil. Fun times.
Sept 16, 2019 13:01:50 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: 1. Hope tamara is doing well. 2. Elkclan2, did you catch the critter???
Sept 17, 2019 15:40:05 GMT -5
worksforme2: Tamara answered me yesterday. She and her partner are moving into a house next week. It's probably about as good as is possible. She didn't comment on the situation with her daughter.
Sept 17, 2019 17:46:02 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Thanks for the update; just hope she is happy
Sept 17, 2019 19:49:55 GMT -5
workingonit: Elkclan2 my son's gerbil escaped at the same time as his pet snake. I did not think it was a coincidence!
Sept 17, 2019 20:40:26 GMT -5
hopingforachange: Wow, is been forever since I read the shoutbox.
Sept 17, 2019 21:33:01 GMT -5
hopingforachange: I need to set up another Skype session.
Sept 17, 2019 21:33:16 GMT -5
sme935: Not quite sure if anyone reads it but if there is a female in the Chicago area (40-60 years old) who is interested in chatting with me drop me a message or look at my profile for messenger screenname;
Sept 19, 2019 9:09:33 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Another Skype session would be great!
Sept 21, 2019 10:51:02 GMT -5