spencer
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Post by spencer on May 10, 2019 18:24:43 GMT -5
New here :45, young minded and very active male, married for 20 years in totally sexless marriage. Time to dump my feelings/thoughts.
I'm a touchy feel kind of person - love intimacy, running a finger down a ladies inner arm, playing with her hair, spooning cuddles watching TV, hugs... none of which I get to experience and I can't bear the thought of being without affection for the rest of my life. I guess that realisation of that has ultimately led me here to explore my feelings and options. Even hugs are like grabbing a hug from a plank, at least wrap your arms around me back!
I have the feeling most of my story willl be no different to most. Sex side of things was never good, but thought it would change and improve over the years as she was new to it. Actually went from bad to worse. I'm convinced I had more, varied sex in a one year with a previous friend with benefits than I ever have had since being married. That is something that I just admitted to myself recently.
We are good friends and companions, I hate conflict we never argue, its taken me many years to realise that is not necessarily a good thing where as in the past I'd have said it was a good thing. Have a child, whose conception I think was the last time I had penetrative sex (15). Apart from lack of intimacy and sex virtually everything else is healthy which is probably why we still go on.
I've always been very, very interested in sex and had a strong sex drive from being young, although I've had so little sex in my life its never needed to get that kinky haha. Over the years I've been getting more and more down feeling more of my sex soul withering away without sex. I thought it was the sex until recently but I've been corrected and i think its as much about overall physical closeness and intimacy as it is the act of intercourse that I'm suffering from the lack of.
I can't describe the pain of when you roll over and put your arm around someone in bed to have them assertively push off your advances, that really hurts me. I've been in denial that this is as big a problem as it is. Even admitting it you think well at an extreme you leave and find in a few years you get erectile problems as you get older and it would have been for nothing - again making excuses not to face up to the issues.
leaving is easy to say, but the stress, financial, children, the unknown, all make it seem a disproportionate response, perhaps its i see it as quitting, perhaps coming from a single family I never saw me doing that too.
I've recently thought about the friends with benefits type options which appeals as i think it could help fill the void or push my past my comfort zone into something new, but not being a natural charmer it might not be so easy to for me too find someone. It looks like dating sites and affair sites are so ugly and so full of risk, as a male, first impressions were I was a target for blackmail or exploitation. I don't want to pay for sex or cuddles, I need to feel a mutual friendship for it to fulfil me.
I don't think I'm really looking for advise, at the moment I'm just exploring my feelings and where I could go in life.
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Post by baza on May 10, 2019 18:42:12 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Brother spencer . I think if you read extensively in here you will pick up stuff that you may find useful as you turn your situation over in your mind. Sometimes that's a better way of gathering information at your own pace rather than getting it directly between the eyes. The stories Brother shamwow could be a good resource for you, particularly the long thread "T minus"
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on May 10, 2019 19:24:45 GMT -5
Welcome Spencer...take your time to look at the various threads...I am sure you will find something that speaks to you. This sight has certainly been very helpful for me...it gives me a place to discuss and validate some of the feelings I am having. I have been married 20 years as well...my situation was that over the last 15 years or so...I have had to beg for intimacy...recently, my sex life has taken a nosedive...I am getting it about twice a year. Good luck to you.
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Post by deadzone75 on May 10, 2019 22:28:34 GMT -5
Sorry you find yourself here, but welcome. This is a great place to explore feelings related to your situation.
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Post by carl on May 11, 2019 5:24:35 GMT -5
Hi I have been like many others in a similar situation to yours and have had similar difficulty sorting it out. There are a lot of things to consider but what stands out to me from your post is that you have thought about your options and found a reason why you can’t take any one of them. Just a thought for you - do you consider sex with your wife an option ? My self pesronally I found that once I axed that option only then did my mind become free to explore other things. Made a big difference laying that possibility to rest. At least until a major explanation could be offered. Good luck to you.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 12, 2019 4:46:14 GMT -5
New here :45, young minded and very active male, married for 20 years in totally sexless marriage. Time to dump my feelings/thoughts. I'm a touchy feel kind of person - love intimacy, running a finger down a ladies inner arm, playing with her hair, spooning cuddles watching TV, hugs... none of which I get to experience and I can't bear the thought of being without affection for the rest of my life. I guess that realisation of that has ultimately led me here to explore my feelings and options. Even hugs are like grabbing a hug from a plank, at least wrap your arms around me back! I have the feeling most of my story willl be no different to most. Sex side of things was never good, but thought it would change and improve over the years as she was new to it. Actually went from bad to worse. I'm convinced I had more, varied sex in a one year with a previous friend with benefits than I ever have had since being married. That is something that I just admitted to myself recently. We are good friends and companions, I hate conflict we never argue, its taken me many years to realise that is not necessarily a good thing where as in the past I'd have said it was a good thing. Have a child, whose conception I think was the last time I had penetrative sex (15). Apart from lack of intimacy and sex virtually everything else is healthy which is probably why we still go on. I've always been very, very interested in sex and had a strong sex drive from being young, although I've had so little sex in my life its never needed to get that kinky haha. Over the years I've been getting more and more down feeling more of my sex soul withering away without sex. I thought it was the sex until recently but I've been corrected and i think its as much about overall physical closeness and intimacy as it is the act of intercourse that I'm suffering from the lack of. I can't describe the pain of when you roll over and put your arm around someone in bed to have them assertively push off your advances, that really hurts me. I've been in denial that this is as big a problem as it is. Even admitting it you think well at an extreme you leave and find in a few years you get erectile problems as you get older and it would have been for nothing - again making excuses not to face up to the issues. leaving is easy to say, but the stress, financial, children, the unknown, all make it seem a disproportionate response, perhaps its i see it as quitting, perhaps coming from a single family I never saw me doing that too. I've recently thought about the friends with benefits type options which appeals as i think it could help fill the void or push my past my comfort zone into something new, but not being a natural charmer it might not be so easy to for me too find someone. It looks like dating sites and affair sites are so ugly and so full of risk, as a male, first impressions were I was a target for blackmail or exploitation. I don't want to pay for sex or cuddles, I need to feel a mutual friendship for it to fulfil me. I don't think I'm really looking for advise, at the moment I'm just exploring my feelings and where I could go in life. I am so where you are right now. I told my husband I no longer put my arm around him at night because I dont want the crane thing. He said the crane thing? I demonstrated with a gesture. Imagine how a crane lifts things, moves it and puts it down and the crane is my husbands hand on my wrist and you will get it. He said, I didnt realise I do that. Really? I feel for you and you are so young.
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spencer
Junior Member
I welcome chats - just message me
Posts: 50
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Post by spencer on May 12, 2019 18:13:33 GMT -5
Welcome Spencer...take your time to look at the various threads...I am sure you will find something that speaks to you. This sight has certainly been very helpful for me...it gives me a place to discuss and validate some of the feelings I am having. I have been married 20 years as well...my situation was that over the last 15 years or so...I have had to beg for intimacy...recently, my sex life has taken a nosedive...I am getting it about twice a year. Good luck to you. ...yes "validate some of the feelings" - that is part of it. Wondering if I'm being unreasonable, or not tried hard enough, if being selfish and many more feelings that remain unvalidated.
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spencer
Junior Member
I welcome chats - just message me
Posts: 50
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Post by spencer on May 12, 2019 18:16:32 GMT -5
Hi I have been like many others in a similar situation to yours and have had similar difficulty sorting it out. There are a lot of things to consider but what stands out to me from your post is that you have thought about your options and found a reason why you can’t take any one of them. Just a thought for you - do you consider sex with your wife an option ? My self pesronally I found that once I axed that option only then did my mind become free to explore other things. Made a big difference laying that possibility to rest. At least until a major explanation could be offered. Good luck to you. "do you consider sex with your wife an option" - well I'm thinking that that might be the pivotal moment I've reached where I've been kidding myself for a long time now I could change things. Maybe being here is part of acceptance that it really 'aint gonna happen.
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spencer
Junior Member
I welcome chats - just message me
Posts: 50
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Post by spencer on May 12, 2019 18:19:06 GMT -5
Welcome Spencer...take your time to look at the various threads...I am sure you will find something that speaks to you. This sight has certainly been very helpful for me...it gives me a place to discuss and validate some of the feelings I am having. I have been married 20 years as well...my situation was that over the last 15 years or so...I have had to beg for intimacy...recently, my sex life has taken a nosedive...I am getting it about twice a year. Good luck to you. I'm sorry to hear that. Its so wrong to be begging for something that for me should be natural and sustained.
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spencer
Junior Member
I welcome chats - just message me
Posts: 50
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Post by spencer on May 12, 2019 18:24:34 GMT -5
cassiopeia92"I am so where you are right now. I told my husband I no longer put my arm around him at night because I dont want the crane thing. He said the crane thing? I demonstrated with a gesture. Imagine how a crane lifts things, moves it and puts it down and the crane is my husbands hand on my wrist and you will get it. He said, I didnt realise I do that. Really? I feel for you and you are so young." Its horrid feeling having your advances rejected or feeling someone recoil when you go to get a hug. Determined as I might not to be put off, it does make me try less.
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Post by workingonit on May 12, 2019 18:55:08 GMT -5
Welcome spencer to this sad but lovely little corner of the internet. This is a supportive and honest group. If you stick to this journey of self discovery that you have embarked on by googling sexless marriage issues and dipping your toe into this stream you will, I believe, begin to change. It happened to me and I believe many of us here. Despite how we often feel, none of us are literally trapped. We all are making choices even if that is the choice we hate. And the path of blaming yourself? Oh yeah, done that. Keep reading, keep sharing, keep opening yourself to a fresh perspective on your life.
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Post by carl on May 12, 2019 19:25:51 GMT -5
Hi I have been like many others in a similar situation to yours and have had similar difficulty sorting it out. There are a lot of things to consider but what stands out to me from your post is that you have thought about your options and found a reason why you can’t take any one of them. Just a thought for you - do you consider sex with your wife an option ? My self pesronally I found that once I axed that option only then did my mind become free to explore other things. Made a big difference laying that possibility to rest. At least until a major explanation could be offered. Good luck to you. "do you consider sex with your wife an option" - well I'm thinking that that might be the pivotal moment I've reached where I've been kidding myself for a long time now I could change things. Maybe being here is part of acceptance that it really 'aint gonna happen. It sounds as if nothing has happened for a long time. And I suppose you are admitting that things aren’t likely to change. I just wanted to be honest with you and share my experience in case it helps. After several years of hoping that things would change with my wife’s interest in sex I eventually convinced myself that I shouldn’t be having sex with a refusing spouse whether they continue to refuse or not. Fine if I ever get graced with a suitable explanation but otherwise no. I want sex with somebody who wants sex with me. I don’t want sex with a refuser ever again. Say my wife turned round and started wanting daily sex - well I just spent the last 10 years or more ( I am roughly your age) almost completely sexless so great. Lost years. I figured She would be very unlikely to turn around now anyway so why not just walk away from the idea completely. That’s when I really felt great. I knew I may or may not ever have sex again but it feels so very very much better not looking for it in the wrong place.
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Post by shamwow on May 13, 2019 21:26:08 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Brother spencer . I think if you read extensively in here you will pick up stuff that you may find useful as you turn your situation over in your mind. Sometimes that's a better way of gathering information at your own pace rather than getting it directly between the eyes. The stories Brother shamwow could be a good resource for you, particularly the long thread "T minus" I agree. This story doesn't sound too different than my tale two years ago. God, it's starting to feel like a whole lifetime ago now!
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Post by ironhamster on May 14, 2019 5:39:05 GMT -5
Greetings, spencer. My condolences regarding your situation. Our stories won't be the same, but similar enough that we can all say we either are there or have been there. There is hope, and there is a solution. You just need to find the solution that works for you. It may not be the one you were originally seeking. I hope you find a home here while you think through things.
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