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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 29, 2019 10:09:59 GMT -5
Sadly, many of our spouses /ex spouses have distorted/manipulated the truth their entire lives, and continue to tell lies believing it's the truth.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 30, 2019 9:57:10 GMT -5
Solodriver: “That is EXACTLY my refuser wife and the way she thinks. And when I do separate, she will smear my name and reputation all over the place in retaliation. I have a hell of a storm brewing and the dark clouds are now starting to be seen on the horizon in my situation.”
Surely there are friends and relatives who truly are your friends and are whom you can share the truth of your marriage — not to put your wife down but to share truthfully about your life. If you’ve been enabling your wife by putting on a fake public show of being happily married stop. Don’t engage in pdas with her or sit silently when your wife spouts lies about how wonderful your life is together or how hot your sex life is. Take the time to cultivate and deepen platonic relationships without involving your wife. Do one on one activities with male friends. Get involved on your own in Meetups and volunteer, educational, spiritual or athletic involvements that interest you. Build a life and relationships that are independent of your wife. Then when you do divorce, the people who take your wife’s side won’t matter to you.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 30, 2019 15:09:11 GMT -5
Years ago, we were friends with a couple that divorced. One of their big issues was sexlessness. The woman, the refused, backed out of a lot of things to give her STBX room and support. I contacted her when I saw myself going down the same path to apologize for not reaching out to her. In my case, I backed out of church and away from shared friends to give my STBX whatever support she needed. I was contacted by two old friends for the purpose of shaming, but none of our shared friends ever expressed their understanding. That is ok. It is what it is. I am moving on. They are not in my life any more, but I am very comfortable with myself, and, everywhere I go, there I am.
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Post by flashjohn on May 2, 2019 11:14:25 GMT -5
Once my refuser was calling me a degrading name. I told her that I didn't like it when she called me that, and I asked her not to do it again. She told me that she could call me whatever she wanted. I told her that if she wanted me to leave, to call me that one more time. So she did, and I left. She later told me that I violated her boundary by leaving. So she was a master at manipulating the boundary concept. On one of the other threads we were discussing narcissism. There it is, right there. A refuser having absolutely no empathy for someone they are supposed to love. Yep, that was it exactly. She wanted her way and would use whatever means she could to get it.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 2, 2019 11:45:54 GMT -5
I see your point...but, I have always felt a good relationship should be more organic than transactional. With boundaries come consequence when they are violated...if you cannot deliver the consequence then the boundary is useless...leaves no room for discussion. It sounds like what you are saying is that everything is negotiable. If you are still discussing potential consequences then you in fact don't actually have a boundary yet. Your W can do as she wishes, treat you as she wishes since she knows there is nothing to fear. If you don't have a modicum of respect for yourself you shouldn't expect her to respect you. I also disagree with your notion that good relationships should be more organic rather than transactional. Virtually everything, and I mean everything in life is transactional.
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Post by saarinista on May 5, 2019 13:19:01 GMT -5
flashjohn: "This is actually what a Sexual Refuser does in marriage. He/she is saying, "I am going to end your sex life, and I don't care how you feel about it, think about it, or how it affects you. You don't have a say in the matter, and since we are married you are OBLIGATED to be celibate forever. If you even think about sex, talk about sex, or look at naked pictures/videos, I am going to tell everyone we know what a horrible person you are." That is EXACTLY my refuser wife and the way she thinks. And when I do separate, she will smear my name and reputation all over the place in retaliation. I have a hell of a storm brewing and the dark clouds are now starting to be seen on the horizon in my situation. Given the dark place you're in now, solodriver , who cares WHAT she says? Who knows? HER public reputation may actually be really BAD from what you've said. Breaking away from her MAY actually INCREASE your standing in the eyes of other people. But in the end, I think you just have to forget about what other people might say, because (among other reasons) no one is universally liked or disliked. People worth knowing will judge you by your own actions. People who judge you based on what she says alone are not worth your time, IMHO.
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Post by saarinista on May 5, 2019 13:21:21 GMT -5
Sadly, many of our spouses /ex spouses have distorted/manipulated the truth their entire lives, and continue to tell lies believing it's the truth. Yet despite that, you're still glad you left, right, greatcoastal ?
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Post by ironhamster on May 6, 2019 11:32:41 GMT -5
Sadly, many of our spouses /ex spouses have distorted/manipulated the truth their entire lives, and continue to tell lies believing it's the truth. Yet despite that, you're still glad you left, right, greatcoastal ? I'm not GC, but, my situation is pretty similar. I am glad to be out. I am sure he is, too.
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