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Post by solodriver on Apr 24, 2019 1:27:19 GMT -5
I just thought about this and it really applies to those of us who are HL in SMs.
Our need for sex is like our cellphone. In order for us to work and function because of our desires, we need sex regularly, sometimes even daily. Having sex "recharges our battery" fully.
A hug or a kiss might only recharge our battery for a while, similar to leaving your cellphone plugged in for a few hours, but not getting fully charged
If your partner refuses you sexually, that is like leaving your cellphone uncharged and your battery dies. And if you don't recharge it, after a long period of time the battery or the phone will have to be replaced.
That's what happens to our feelings for our refusing spouse; the feelings die and if not recharged he/she will need to be replaced either by a disposable cellphone (outsourcing) or a completely new battery or cellphone (divorce and new relationship).
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 24, 2019 3:38:30 GMT -5
...or, sex could be like changing the engine oil and air intake filter on your vehicle. If you maintain your vehicle, it should last a long time. If you don't, you may be lucky and it just runs funny, or, you may start abrading the piston rings and eventually sieze the engine.
My ex would often refer to her emotional bank account, which needed deposits of love or it would end up with overdrafts. I don't know if I ever could have kept up with whatever she was expecting, but I tried to meet her needs. I don't even think she acknowledged that I had an emotional bank account, too, that required deposits of sexual intimacy, except when I was way too overdrawn to think straight.
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Post by lessingham on Apr 24, 2019 4:53:57 GMT -5
Or it is like a beautiful car, but the keys are misding. And unlike American films, the keys are never tucked in the sunshade.
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Post by flashjohn on Apr 24, 2019 14:55:25 GMT -5
...or, sex could be like changing the engine oil and air intake filter on your vehicle. If you maintain your vehicle, it should last a long time. If you don't, you may be lucky and it just runs funny, or, you may start abrading the piston rings and eventually sieze the engine. My ex would often refer to her emotional bank account, which needed deposits of love or it would end up with overdrafts. I don't know if I ever could have kept up with whatever she was expecting, but I tried to meet her needs. I don't even think she acknowledged that I had an emotional bank account, too, that required deposits of sexual intimacy, except when I was way too overdrawn to think straight.
Sounds like the Love Bank analogy that Dr. Willard Harley came up with. Unfortunately, some spouses use that as an excuse for poor behavior. Dr. Harley would never accept that from a client, but people use a little bit of knowledge to do a whole lot of harm.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2019 15:47:24 GMT -5
I would add that when you battery is drained, bank account low, reservoir empty that something else takes up the space. That something is usually resentment.
For the majority of my marriage, I just didn't understand why it was such a big issue for her to want to have a loving mutual sex life. It doesn't even cost much (excepting children of course). It's like breathing for us on this forum and just as necessary. Now with 29 years of hindsight, I see clearly the paradox of big deal/small deal. It must be important even to the LL's otherwise they wouldn't refuse so vehemently. Ergo, it's important and we HL's weren't wrong.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 24, 2019 18:34:59 GMT -5
...or, sex could be like changing the engine oil and air intake filter on your vehicle. If you maintain your vehicle, it should last a long time. If you don't, you may be lucky and it just runs funny, or, you may start abrading the piston rings and eventually sieze the engine. My ex would often refer to her emotional bank account, which needed deposits of love or it would end up with overdrafts. I don't know if I ever could have kept up with whatever she was expecting, but I tried to meet her needs. I don't even think she acknowledged that I had an emotional bank account, too, that required deposits of sexual intimacy, except when I was way too overdrawn to think straight.
Sounds like the Love Bank analogy that Dr. Willard Harley came up with. Unfortunately, some spouses use that as an excuse for poor behavior. Dr. Harley would never accept that from a client, but people use a little bit of knowledge to do a whole lot of harm.
My ex had her Masters in counseling, so I am sure that is from whom she adopted and perverted the idea. Another classic perversion was her adaption of the concepts in the book "Boundaries," where consequences were replaced by punishments.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 24, 2019 22:02:57 GMT -5
Sounds like the Love Bank analogy that Dr. Willard Harley came up with. Unfortunately, some spouses use that as an excuse for poor behavior. Dr. Harley would never accept that from a client, but people use a little bit of knowledge to do a whole lot of harm.
My ex had her Masters in counseling, so I am sure that is from whom she adopted and perverted the idea. Another classic perversion was her adaption of the concepts in the book "Boundaries," where consequences were replaced by punishments. Your ex adopted "Boundaries" too? Mine did and then DARVO'ed it!! ( one of my my most helpful paragraphs was from the book Boundaries in Marriage. I learned the term "Manipulative Controller". [ I am paraphrasing] where they said, they will run over your boundaries like a tank.) You can not change them. Run the other way! I SOOO remember the day, it went like this. I asked, "What are you reading?" She said " Boundaries". I asked " what is it about?" She exclaimed, " It's teaching me to say NO". I took a step back... laughed inside.... and thought. OMG!! "YOU ARE ALREADY A MASTER AT SAYING NO!!" It can be one of life's hardest lessons to finally figure out that their really are people who can calmly go through life giving back zero empathy, remain totally in denial, be self focused on everything, and never have ANY remorse.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 24, 2019 22:10:04 GMT -5
I could add a few more.
There's the " A house built on rock versus sand " analogy. Having a solid foundation.
Then there's the 3 pigs. Brick,v's wood, v's straw.
One of my own goes back to my sailing days. The sex and intimacy is the keel. Without it your boat is just pushed by the wind and will not go straight. Your boat will also capsize . In order to right your boat you must put all your weight, and strength on the keel in order to right your boat back afloat. You must rely on your keel.
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Post by flashjohn on Apr 25, 2019 16:33:21 GMT -5
Sounds like the Love Bank analogy that Dr. Willard Harley came up with. Unfortunately, some spouses use that as an excuse for poor behavior. Dr. Harley would never accept that from a client, but people use a little bit of knowledge to do a whole lot of harm.
My ex had her Masters in counseling, so I am sure that is from whom she adopted and perverted the idea. Another classic perversion was her adaption of the concepts in the book "Boundaries," where consequences were replaced by punishments. Once my refuser was calling me a degrading name. I told her that I didn't like it when she called me that, and I asked her not to do it again. She told me that she could call me whatever she wanted. I told her that if she wanted me to leave, to call me that one more time. So she did, and I left. She later told me that I violated her boundary by leaving. So she was a master at manipulating the boundary concept.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 25, 2019 16:42:07 GMT -5
My ex had her Masters in counseling, so I am sure that is from whom she adopted and perverted the idea. Another classic perversion was her adaption of the concepts in the book "Boundaries," where consequences were replaced by punishments. Once my refuser was calling me a degrading name. I told her that I didn't like it when she called me that, and I asked her not to do it again. She told me that she could call me whatever she wanted. I told her that if she wanted me to leave, to call me that one more time. So she did, and I left. She later told me that I violated her boundary by leaving. So she was a master at manipulating the boundary concept. On one of the other threads we were discussing narcissism. There it is, right there. A refuser having absolutely no empathy for someone they are supposed to love.
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Post by baza on Apr 25, 2019 20:10:19 GMT -5
You know how cell phones made by a manufacturer require a charger that fits the make and model ? You know how a Motorola charger won't work on a Sagem cellphone, or a Samsung ?
So you can have an absolutely fine mains power supply. You can have a state of the art wizzbang cellphone. But if you haven't got a compatible charger, then you've got nothing.
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 25, 2019 20:24:25 GMT -5
My ex had her Masters in counseling, so I am sure that is from whom she adopted and perverted the idea. Another classic perversion was her adaption of the concepts in the book "Boundaries," where consequences were replaced by punishments. Once my refuser was calling me a degrading name. I told her that I didn't like it when she called me that, and I asked her not to do it again. She told me that she could call me whatever she wanted. I told her that if she wanted me to leave, to call me that one more time. So she did, and I left. She later told me that I violated her boundary by leaving. So she was a master at manipulating the boundary concept. How in the hell is that violating HER boundary? I am just shaking my head flashjohn. She sounded like a real piece of work.
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Post by solodriver on Apr 25, 2019 20:44:25 GMT -5
My ex had her Masters in counseling, so I am sure that is from whom she adopted and perverted the idea. Another classic perversion was her adaption of the concepts in the book "Boundaries," where consequences were replaced by punishments. Once my refuser was calling me a degrading name. I told her that I didn't like it when she called me that, and I asked her not to do it again. She told me that she could call me whatever she wanted. I told her that if she wanted me to leave, to call me that one more time. So she did, and I left. She later told me that I violated her boundary by leaving. So she was a master at manipulating the boundary concept. One thing I've learned: boundaries don't mean crap!
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Post by Handy on Apr 25, 2019 21:05:27 GMT -5
Flashjophn She told me that she could call me whatever she wanted. I told her that if she wanted me to leave, to call me that one more time. So she did, and I left. She later told me that I violated her boundary by leaving.
Flashjohn, it was your boundary your XW violated, not the other way around.
Boundaries are things you will or won't tolerate, not what the other person had to do or not do.
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firefollower
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Post by firefollower on Apr 25, 2019 21:29:47 GMT -5
When someone starts telling me they have boundaries....I am leaving skid marks in the parking lot. Sometimes I think we make this more complicated than it has to be...golden rule...treat others the way you would want to be treated...keep it simple.
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