|
Post by isthisit on May 9, 2019 13:49:47 GMT -5
I don’t see it as reflecting something wonderful about iron hampster that he stayed faithful to his wife who didn’t consummate their marriage for a year. I believe that if he had had divorced her or annulled the marriage that would have reflected self preservation, assertiveness, and good sense. It’s not niceness to wait patiently while you are not getting what your spouse committed to. This is a lesson I had to learn for myself as my marriage was completely sexless for 8 years til I divorced. Well I guess we will have to agree to disagree about that one.
|
|
firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by firefollower on May 9, 2019 14:05:31 GMT -5
After my wedding we drove 70 miles to the motel, took a quich shower, she slipped on her teddy thing, I took it off in a flash and we got to town. Next day morning sex and a drive to Jackson Hole WY,where we got another motel room, had sex and then dinner. After dinner back to the motel for more sex. Next day, morning sex, drive around the the mountain roads north of Jackson Hole. (click on the R-L arrows to see more pictures) www.jacksonholenet.com/mountains/then something to eat and sex again before bed time. My W said she was getting a little chafed so we just had sex once a day for a couple of days. We sort of waited but played around before marriage so I can't imagine no sex on the first chance possible and then none on the honeymoon, atrocious and un-real. Sorry guys, the no sex when just married isn't fair. And Irommaster, waiting almost a year dos not compute in a fair and just world. Great pictures handy...beautiful country...I have always hoped to live in West Yellowstone some day...one of my favorite small towns.
|
|
|
Post by flashjohn on May 9, 2019 14:18:57 GMT -5
My wedding night, we were both exhausted. Nothing happened on our honeymoon. It took a year before we finally consummated the marriage. Excuses from her, and loving patience from me, paved my path here. Ok, my no-sex honeymoon was bad, but no sex for a year after the wedding is horrible. I am so glad you are gone.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on May 9, 2019 15:10:39 GMT -5
Northstarmom This is a lesson I had to learn for myself as my marriage was completely sexless for 8 years til I divorced.
So in our next life we know to not put up with no sex on the honeymoon and there after, right?
It is just too bad most of us had to learn the hard way to stand up for our-self.
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on May 9, 2019 16:59:44 GMT -5
We had sex on our wedding night and daily or twice a day for the first 2 weeks. That is the ONLY time we had that level of frequency. Every day I learned a new hang up regarding positions, touch, his anxiety, his severe PE, his inability to make me orgasm or take direction to help me get there, his shutting down around sexual discussions, his seriousness and offense if I was playful, his assessment that some of the things I wanted were due to internalized sexism and that I shouldnt want those things, his flat "no" to any touching in public and discomfort with casual affection. I assumed it would improve with time, familiarity and frequent sex. It did not.
Ironically the first halt to the frequent sex was me. After 3 weeks of marriage (24 days to be exact) I started throwing up with severe hyperemesis because I was pregnant, likely from the wedding night. The multiple times daily vomiting and 24 hr nausea with inability to even drink lasted 4 months.
Our sex life never even had a chance, poor thing.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on May 10, 2019 5:43:52 GMT -5
I don’t see it as reflecting something wonderful about iron hampster that he stayed faithful to his wife who didn’t consummate their marriage for a year. I believe that if he had had divorced her or annulled the marriage that would have reflected self preservation, assertiveness, and good sense. It’s not niceness to wait patiently while you are not getting what your spouse committed to. This is a lesson I had to learn for myself as my marriage was completely sexless for 8 years til I divorced. I recall an old phrase, "nice guys finish last." There is a lot of truth to that. Whether it is admirable or condemnable is a matter of judgement, and the case can be made either way honestly. I take a Zen like approach to it. The truth is what it is. I think it is normal for most of the refused to have more hope and love than needed in order to be healthy. I maintained my belief I could fix my situation for months after people I met online were telling me the truth.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on May 10, 2019 10:39:47 GMT -5
My situation is very similar...wedding night, W not in the mood...first time ever. You almost feel that you were tricked. Yup, mine wasn't in the mood on our wedding night either. Difference is, we waited for marriage, so I was really excited... and then really disappointed. At least deadzone75 got to have sex on his wedding night. h your situation really sucks. That's REALLY bad when you were waiting for the wedding night and then get denied. Hugs to you.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on May 10, 2019 10:44:00 GMT -5
I agree with whoever said most of us on this board are really exceptionally nice, patient and marriage-committed people to stay in our sexless marriages as long as we did or do. I think most people leave sexless marriages much sooner than those of us who are active on this forum do.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 10, 2019 11:17:40 GMT -5
saarinista: "I agree with whoever said most of us on this board are really exceptionally nice, patient and marriage-committed people to stay in our sexless marriages as long as we did or do. "
Most of the people here are far nicer to their spouses than they are to themselves. Most people here also falsely think that most people would view them as being exceptionally nice people for staying so long in marriages without sex. Truth is, however, that most people who value sex as part of marriage would be baffled about why anyone would choose to stay so long in a marriage in which a sexually capable spouse is refusing sex. The words they'd use for such refused would be closer to "masochistic," "foolish," "lacks self esteem" than "nice."
If you don't believe me, ask a friend or relative whose opinion you trust what they think a person should do if their spouse refuses to have sex with them until a year after the marriage. If you don't want them to guess that you're in a similar situation then say you read the question in an advice column.
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on May 10, 2019 12:47:25 GMT -5
northstarmom- I’d have to disagree with your statement. I don’t think any one of us is under the impression that others would think us incredibly nice to have stayed in our marriages so long. We all DO know that leaving a marriage is much easier said than done. Asking a trusted person about what they would do is not helpful as we know what they would say. It doesn’t preclude the fact that leaving a marriage is incredibly difficult. It’s got nothing to do with being nice.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on May 10, 2019 14:06:13 GMT -5
Often, when I use the word "nice," I end up regretting it.
I do not like the word. it's vague and overused to the point of being meaningless.
Take it from Little Red Riding Hood, who sings the following after being released from the belly of The Wof in Stephen Sondheim's musical , "Into The Woods."
🎶🎶 And I know things now, many valuable things, that I hadn't known before: Do not put your faith in a cape and a hood, They will not protect you the way that they should. And take extra care with stranger. Even flowers have their dangers! And though scary is exciting… 🌸NICE is different than good. 🎶🎶🎶
I could say so much more about “nice” but I have to think. There are no easy answers. Not to me, at least.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 10, 2019 14:19:28 GMT -5
Some here do view a person (including themselves) as “nice” to stay in a sm. There certainly are people here who say that their own niceness has kept them in a sm.
I even remember people on the old EP praising a woman for staying with her ungrateful, verbally abusive, I’ll (but in remission) refuser.
Someone here also praised a poster for not cheating even though he had been married a year before the marriage was consummated. By contrast, people with a firm belief that sex is important and is part of a marriage would be wondering why he didn’t annual since in most jurisdictions and even many religions, a marriage doesn’t exist until it’s consummated.
That’s why I suggest that the refused ask someone whose opinion they trust what advice they’d give if someone said their sexually capable spouse had refused to consummate their marriage of a year. Pose this as an interesting hypothetical that has nothing to do with your life. I doubt that the response would apply the word “nice” to either spouse.
My point is to highlight the difference between how people who end up here differ from people who don’t. Divorce or annulment is difficult for most people to do. People who have major marital problems (especially those evident from their honeymoons) who take years to end the marriage are people who have difficulty honoring their own feelings and rights. Btdt. I cared more about my spouse thanabout myself.
|
|
|
Post by flashjohn on May 15, 2019 11:00:38 GMT -5
There is a very fine line between being nice and being a doormat. I know because I went way past that line many many times. I now know that I don't deserve to be mistreated or neglected in any way. What is sad is that I did not accept that kind of treatment from anyone else. Part of the reason I left my job as a prosecutor was that the boss was verbally abusive. I was no longer going to accept that kind of treatment any more.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on May 15, 2019 19:55:53 GMT -5
Steve jobs once said, roughly, "if I am coming into work day after day and not wanting to, that is god telling me that it is time to do something else." I took that to heart in my career. If I am not enjoying the challenges of my job and the company of my coworkers, I will find something else to do. The same applies to other relationships as well. If someone realizes the relationship they are in is doomed to be miserable, god is telling them they need to make changes.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on May 15, 2019 22:00:40 GMT -5
I quit a job at a new car dealership after working there 10 years. The new owner was manipulative with employees and customers. the final straw was the new owner wanted the older employees to give up 2 weeks of vacation we earned because supposedly management didn't take vacations. I asked why the manager went to Spain for 2 weeks. He said it was a business trip. OK, we are selling Japanese cars so you went to Spain? I said I wasn't giving up my 2 weeks. I took the 2 weeks vacation pay and worked a new job. The next employer wasn't very much more ethical.
|
|