Post by workingonit on Apr 16, 2019 21:09:21 GMT -5
So, as our esteemed brother ironhamster coined as a term, my Give-A-Fuck is done broken.
I was telling my h about an intense 2 hour long conversation (loose term, it was a freak out with tears and only lasted because we were parked in my car but that is another story) with our problem child. I got a bit emotional as the situation with my son is anything but simple and is enough to break any mother's heart. I then said something like "I am realizing I cannot change who he is and the path he is on. All I can do is continue to present him with options, hold good boundaries and love him. At some point it will become necessary to just let him go and hope he does alright. I cannot make him want to get well."
My h, in a dick head move, nods his head sympathetically. Then he says, "That is what I have had to do with you. I realize that I cannot change how you feel. I have been beating myself up to try to figure out what I could do to change your mind and get you to stay. Now I know it is not me and there is nothing I could have done to change your mind."
Ok, motherfucker. In my mind I had 2 immediate thoughts:
1. This is about our son, who you STILL do not parent. You still do not spend any time with him, take time to understand, or parent in ANY FUCKING WAY. STOP MAKING IT ABOUT YOU!!
2. What in the world do you mean there was nothing you could do?? You could have worked on your extreme sexual anorexia and actually had a sexual relationship with your wife!! How about that?? Or how about showing me some (ANY?) physical affection, like I begged for a million times? Or how about taking ANY of the things I told you were NEEDS for me seriously? Or how about stepping up and being a father to your child and a co-parent to me? How about a million things I asked for and you denied again and again and again???
But, my dear ILIASM family, even as I felt those things in my core they washed over me and left me. Even 6 months ago I would have pointed out 1 and 2 to him and wanted him to SEE and AGREE that he fucked up. But I just looked at him and realized that he is shifting the story, shifting the facts of our marriage, to protect himself. He knows we are over (this is an open fact now) and he is trying to paint himself as some sort of victim that his bulldozer of a wife would not change to accommodate. This shifting allows him to feel good in the separation instead of guilty. He is able to protect himself emotionally.
And then, a glorious miracle occurred. I just saw exactly what he was doing and why. I simply DID NOT GIVE A FUCK. Really! He can think whatever he wants about me. He can tell his next female victim all about what a bully I was, how he had issues and I just mowed over them. Whatever!! Not my fucking monkey, not my fucking circus. Tell whatever tales you want to yourself, your buddies, the world. I know the truth. I know what I have given of myself to this relationship. I know what I have done wrong and have taken a full accounting of every step.
It was with a true and peaceful heart that I just said "Ok." and walked away. I am sure he was hoping to provoke a discussion. But the only discussions left to be had are who gets what.
My Give A Fuck in this marriage is broken and not fixable. Or, if we prefer to be positive (which is my nature generally), maybe my self esteem is repairing itself and my confidence in who I am is returning? Either way, felt pretty fucking good to me!
I was telling my h about an intense 2 hour long conversation (loose term, it was a freak out with tears and only lasted because we were parked in my car but that is another story) with our problem child. I got a bit emotional as the situation with my son is anything but simple and is enough to break any mother's heart. I then said something like "I am realizing I cannot change who he is and the path he is on. All I can do is continue to present him with options, hold good boundaries and love him. At some point it will become necessary to just let him go and hope he does alright. I cannot make him want to get well."
My h, in a dick head move, nods his head sympathetically. Then he says, "That is what I have had to do with you. I realize that I cannot change how you feel. I have been beating myself up to try to figure out what I could do to change your mind and get you to stay. Now I know it is not me and there is nothing I could have done to change your mind."
Ok, motherfucker. In my mind I had 2 immediate thoughts:
1. This is about our son, who you STILL do not parent. You still do not spend any time with him, take time to understand, or parent in ANY FUCKING WAY. STOP MAKING IT ABOUT YOU!!
2. What in the world do you mean there was nothing you could do?? You could have worked on your extreme sexual anorexia and actually had a sexual relationship with your wife!! How about that?? Or how about showing me some (ANY?) physical affection, like I begged for a million times? Or how about taking ANY of the things I told you were NEEDS for me seriously? Or how about stepping up and being a father to your child and a co-parent to me? How about a million things I asked for and you denied again and again and again???
But, my dear ILIASM family, even as I felt those things in my core they washed over me and left me. Even 6 months ago I would have pointed out 1 and 2 to him and wanted him to SEE and AGREE that he fucked up. But I just looked at him and realized that he is shifting the story, shifting the facts of our marriage, to protect himself. He knows we are over (this is an open fact now) and he is trying to paint himself as some sort of victim that his bulldozer of a wife would not change to accommodate. This shifting allows him to feel good in the separation instead of guilty. He is able to protect himself emotionally.
And then, a glorious miracle occurred. I just saw exactly what he was doing and why. I simply DID NOT GIVE A FUCK. Really! He can think whatever he wants about me. He can tell his next female victim all about what a bully I was, how he had issues and I just mowed over them. Whatever!! Not my fucking monkey, not my fucking circus. Tell whatever tales you want to yourself, your buddies, the world. I know the truth. I know what I have given of myself to this relationship. I know what I have done wrong and have taken a full accounting of every step.
It was with a true and peaceful heart that I just said "Ok." and walked away. I am sure he was hoping to provoke a discussion. But the only discussions left to be had are who gets what.
My Give A Fuck in this marriage is broken and not fixable. Or, if we prefer to be positive (which is my nature generally), maybe my self esteem is repairing itself and my confidence in who I am is returning? Either way, felt pretty fucking good to me!